Why Being A Nerd Is A Good Thing

Yep, you read that title right. I am Melissa and I am a nerd. I LOVE to learn and never get tired of gaining more knowledge. I LOVE to read anything I can get my hands on and I LOVE watching nature shows or the History Channel. I LOVE doing research. Yep. My favorite part of English class was doing research papers. I spend hours on google or yahoo searching for answers. I love to be challenged with something new that I dind't know and I love trying to find the answers and attaining more knowledge. I have an insatiable curiosity and a constant, continual thirst for knowledge that is never quenched. I simply can't enough of books or learning. Yeah, like I said, I am a genuine, true to life nerd. And I am so proud of that.

I have no shame in being called a nerd because I can think of far worse things to be called. For example, I would hate to be called ignorant considering that ignorant means uneducated or having a lack of knowledge and that is the worst thing you can ever call me. If I am ignorant on a topic, I will not rest until I find some facts and gain knowledge about that topic. I also never settle for knowing a little bit about something. I have to attain more knowledge and seek even more understanding in everything I do learn. I believe with everything in me that knowledge is power and that education is the most important weapon we can ever carry. Forget the guns and the knives and the missiles. As the old saying goes, the pen is mightier than the sword. And it is true. Why do you think that the Taliban over in Afghanistan is taking to bombing girls' schools? They don't spend their time bombing boys' schools or trying to erase any means of boys being educated. They spend all their funding and time on trying to keep women from learning. Why? Because the Taliban know that what I said above is true. Knowledge is the greatest weapon that is far more dangerous to their operations than any other type of warfare. They know this because it is written in the Holy Koran. In fact, many people attribute the line about the pen being mightier than the sword to Mohammed himself. So the Taliban leaders greatest fear is not America or being attacked by armies or being blown to bits by atomic bombs.......but by young girls and their ability to gain an education.

The reason why is because when these girls go to school, they learn to read. They learn to write. They are no longer ignorant in literacy and so they can read the newspapers. They now have a direct link to the world outside of what the militant leaders tell them. The Taliban and other militant organizations count on gaining new recruits who are ignorant to the ways of the world. Ignorance is easy to brainwash. Ignorance makes an easy recruit because they don't think for themselves and ask the tough questions. They blindly obey without ever second guessing or thinking for themselves. So imagine what will happen when these girls take their newfound knowledge of reading home to their mothers and their brothers. And so now the mothers have their daughters read them the newspaper. They start to learn what the affairs of the outside world is. It is not quite the way the men make it out to be. And so the more the girls get educated, the less the Taliban's ability to brainwash and have blind and loyal followers is. They are starting to become obsolete if these girls learn to read. So you can see why these girls schools are the biggest fear and the main target of the Taliban. The eventual downfall of these organizations, in my belief, is by having girls and boys too, learn more and begin to think for themselves based on the facts that they learn. They begin to challenge authority because they know better. They know more. They don't just eat what the Taliban leaders say with a spoon. And that is how the mind of a scholar is far more of a weapon than the rifle of a soldier. Let them be soldiers.......soldiers of truth and knowledge.

So the girls increase the literacy rate and through that, they begin to seek peace. That is how knowledge is both powerful and hopeful. It gives a light at the end of that tunnel of war, famine, and submission. It is also not lost on the men of these countries. Why do you think they oppress their women so much to the point the women have no voice of their own or think freely? They are so fearful of what will happen if/when females ever gained knowledge. The key to ending poverty is through ending ignorance. The way we do that is by going into these countries and building schools and teaching these young girls and boys new things. Education is truly the most vital aspect of a peaceful and prosperous future. It is why I take the education of our young people so seriously. It is the best defense against hate as I feel that what breeds all the hatred is ignorance. Ignorance makes people hate anything that is different than their way of thinking and living. If it is different, it is wrong and instead of seeking understanding or attaining knowledge, they just keep hating and being ignorant. That is why my sincerest belief is that if we can teach young people and give them a vast and wide range of knowledge, we will begin to see the hatred dissipate until one day..........there is nothing left of hatred. It can happen. We just have to do our parts. Let's teach our children in this country and in every country throughout the world. Teach them well and let them lead. They will lead us home. I believe that.

One more reason why education is so important, especially to young girls, is this world is overpopulated. Why? Well, uneducated women have more children. It is a fact. The numbers are staggering really. In Afghanistan and Pakistan in the last 20 years, as the literacy rates have increased, the average number of children each woman is having have decreased. It is not coincidental at all. These numbers show the correlation between education and population. And we need to find ways to decrease population, especially in places like Pakistan and Afghanistan. So once again, I say knowledge is power. I have always been a firm believer in the value of education and how important learning truly is but as I do research and find this information, I am even more convinced of it.

So what the world needs in my opinion are more nerds. More people who have an unlimited and continuous craving to learn more, to know more, to understand more. That is what it means to be a nerd and just think how much better this world would be with more nerds like me. Those of us who would rather spend time reading and researching and expanding our minds rather than suppress and bully and impugn others peoples desires to learn. I can't imagine not being able to read or go to the library to hit their resource center or get on google and look things up. I love a mystery and asking questions and seeking answers to those questions. I can't think of a better way to spend my time than exploring. What a feeling and I am glad that the seed of knowledge is being sewn even in the most oppressive and peaceless places in the world. That knowledge truly is power......in fact it is empowering. And it is that empowerment that will eventually wipe away all the ignorance and eradicate all the hatred this world has in it right now. So see, it isn't so bad to be a nerd is it?
Being a nerd is a powerful thing.....................join in and get the power!!!

Until next time
Mel

A Day of Thanks

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!!! I hope the holiday is finding you all safe, happy, and healthy and that you are surrounded by love and peace. I know that I am safe, happy and healthy which I am so grateful for. I am also very grateful for being surrounded by love, both from incredible friends and amazing family. I love them all so much!!!! I am blessed beyond the telling of it and I know that I live a pretty charmed life. I know that I am finally in a place where I can see that and recognize that and appreciate it all. So I am most grateful for having my eyes opened and being awakened to all that I do have in my life and that I have stopped worrying and complaining about what I don't have.

Now the one question I have is why does it take a day like Thanksgiving for everyone, myself included, to realize how fortunate they are? I take everything for granted all the time. Like my good health for example. I am healthy and rarely do I get sick enough to be down and out for long. I do get the sniffles now and again or my sinuses act up every so often, but for the most part, I am healthy. But I don't appreciate it the way I should. I only recognize how healthy I am whenever I get sick or today when I am asked what I am grateful for. I am grateful for my health and the fact that my mind and body are fully functioning with all parts still active and capable. I am so blessed in that area and yet I don't often I don't admit that. I guess its just human nature for us to take good health for granted.

I am also very grateful for my family and friends who show me such unwavering and unflinching support and love. There are times I feel pretty low or down and out but they are there to pick me back up and bring me back to the light. Sometimes they may not even know that they have done that, namely because I don't tell them. But in case they don't know or I don't show them or tell them enough, thank you all for your love and your support. It brings me so much joy I can never try to define it or repay it back to you. The inspiration I receive from your beauty, strength, and courage is something I am so humbled by. I truly feel as though I am the most fortunate person in the world to have people around me that care so damn much about me. In the past, I felt unlovable and like an outsider who didn't belong but you all make me realize how wrong I was. I am lovable because I am loved and I am not an outsider because you guys embrace me and accept me. So I am so, so very grateful for all of you. God really did bless me with some of the most amazing people to surround me.

I am also very grateful for my imperfections. I know that might seem odd to say but it is the absolute truth. I find that every day I live, the more I appreciate how imperfect we all are and how life is so full of imperfections. I thank God that I am not perfect for lots of reasons (and if you read a certain blog from a week ago you will see why) but mostly because it is far less work to be imperfect self than to strive to be a fake model of perfection. I don't have to try so hard and I don't carry around as much stress or anger as I did when I was trying to be perfect. I am happier, healthier and much saner than I was back then. So I am  beyond thankful for being full of blemishes and spots.

I am grateful for the ability to write. I am so glad to have found my purpose in life and to have such a passion for something because I know I used to walk around without any passion for anything, or I never was comfortable with admitting that writing was my passion due to fear of what others might say about it. I am no longer afraid to say that I am passionate about writing and that I have so many dreams I want to seek from this passion of mine. I am grateful for having this passion because I know my voice and my words matter and I can use my words to illustrate that. I can maybe reach someone enough to get them inspired, which is the greatest gift anyone can ever be given. So I wake up every day knowing I am so blessed to have found my path in life and my passion moving forward. I hope everyone else out there finds the same.

I am grateful for the many men and women who sacrifice so much, namely their lives, to keep our freedom and liberty. I love that I can write what I want and desire to and can raise my voice for or against a cause because I have the liberty to do so. If not for these brave and courageous people, I would not have that opportunity to reach anyone with my words and would not be able to pursue what I am passionate about. Thank you is such a small, seemingly insignificant thing to say, but I say it loudly: THANK YOU!!!!!!!

I am also grateful to have had the chance to see a play that literally changed my life. I have had some life changing moments before and I am sure I may have some more at some point, but none of them have ever made me feel so gutted or that have left me so haunted and consumed by the message that the play Underneathmybed did. That play just stirred up emotions in me that I had not ever felt before and ignited a fire deep in my soul that was laying dormant before that night. I walked away from that play a better, stronger, more self-aware person and I will never forget the lessons I took from seeing it and the powerful message that I still carry with me in my heart. I am so grateful to have been given the opportunity to see that play because it truly helped me along this path and gave me so much more confidence to be myself and follow my dreams.

So those are the things are I am most thankful and grateful for. I am not just going to be thankful for these on Thanksgiving though. I am going to be grateful and appreciative of these blessings as I walk through every day of my life and with every breath I take, which reminds me that the biggest thing I am thankful for is each day the Lord blesses me with. Whether it is filled with sunshine or rain, joy or sorrow, good times or bad times, I enjoy every last second I get because it is precious and something I will never get back. So thank you God for this and every day I get to wake up and partake in this amazing journey called life.

So until next time,
Best wishes

(and I hope you all didn't eat too much)
Mel

The Green Monster

I remember when I was a young child and I would go to the store with my mother and I would go by the toy section and see all those bright, shiny, new toys everywhere and I would beg her to let me have one. I would plead and plead with her to buy me one and if she did that, I promised I would never ask for anything again........until the next time I wanted something. But my mother always told me no. She told me I didn't need any of those toys and I would get mad and put on my pouty face the rest of the day because I thought she was the meanest mommy in the world. I just wanted one toy for goodness sakes. Why couldn't I get that? Looking back on it now, I am so glad my mother didn't buy me a toy every time I asked because I would have taken it home, played with it for a day-if I was really interested two days- and then I would put it off to the side and never play with it again. And it would not have been a good investment on her part because let's not forget, she is the one who would have paid for those toys. And by not buying those toys for me, she taught me a very valuable lesson about life. I can't always get what I want.

Now you might be wondering  what exactly is my point? Why am I bringing up my childhood visits to the store with my mother that always had me turning into a whiny, greedy little baby? Well, you see, the reason I wanted all that stuff was because I knew other kids had those things and I always wanted to fit in and be accepted. And I have already mentioned in a previous blog about trying to be perfect and thought that a key to that was getting those bright and shiny new toys. My motivation was not simply that I wanted the toy. It was of little significance what the toy was. I couldn't have cared less what it was. I wanted the toy because others had it. My motive was sheer, unadulterated, pure, full fledged jealousy. I was jealous plain and simple and I wanted what everyone else seemed to have. I wanted acceptance and the toy was just the physical manifestation of that desire. My mother didn't let me have those toys because we were poor, money was tight and she knew as well as I did that I was never going to use that toy after one use. I may have many issues with my mother, but her teaching me this lesson is not one of them. Today I am not spoiled, I don't feel entitled and I don't walk around looking at what others have and get envious. In fact, I view jealousy as a completely wasted emotion. Why bother coveting what someone else has? Why get mad or upset that they have all that and get motivated enough to go out and get that for yourself, if you truly want it? And that is the other question, do you really want what they have or is it just easier to focus on their life and bitch about all you don't have to cope with your unhappiness? That is how I feel about jealousy. You are jealous because you are miserable and unhappy and can't stand the idea that someone else may have just a tiny bit of happiness and joy. That is what eats you up but instead of admitting that cold, hard truth you would rather hide behind the mask of envy. You would rather be immature and whine about how they have all this and you don't. I don't know about anyone else but being jealous makes no sense to me because if you truly want what your neighbor has, go out and get it yourself (and no I am not telling you to go break in and steal it). I mean get yourself motivated and realize that you can have a lot of that same stuff if you work for it. And who cares if they had to work for it or got it honest or not? Stop living your life based on other people and live it for YOU. There is simply no other way to put it. Don't be jealous or envious or wish you had other peoples' luck. They most likely didn't just fall into what they have now, they most likely worked for it or made choices to influence their present. Understand that your choices are half chance and so is everyone else's. Sometimes you are ahead and other times, you lag behind but the game is long and no where near over. Stop being jealous because it only wastes your time feeling it and brings you down, along with those who have to constantly hear that whining come out of your mouth. Jealousy also wastes your life because you sit around feeling sorry for what you don't have instead of enjoying what you do have and being motivated to go after what you don't. When you are jealous, it is not going to change a damn thing. You will still be where you are and they will still be where they are. Take my advice on this and this is something I have learned first hand. Live your life and let others live theirs. You will be far happier by not focusing on what others have. And I look back now at those times in the store with my mother and I thank her so much for NOT giving in and letting me have it.

Until next time,

Mel

How We Are Letting Our Children Down

"I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them show the way..." These words make up the opening lines of Whitney Houston's song "The Greatest Love of All" and I believe them with all of my heart. Children are the leaders of tomorrow. They are our future teachers, doctors, scientists and so on and so forth. They will be the ones who make the decisions and lead the next generations onward. And we owe it to them to teach them well and show them the way, just as the song states. And herein lies the problem. We are not doing our jobs. We are disappointing our children, and in turn, many future generations. This country's educational system is not cutting it to mold and inspire children the way it is intended to do. The kids are becoming farther and farther behind in the basic skills and are being taught little in the way of respect and responsiblity or what it means to have a good work ethic.

I was talking to one of my friends last week who is a teacher and she was telling me about how they had all recently gotten "audited". They had the big shots come in to the rooms and evaluate the way they taught and their methods. And the results they ended up with absolutely astounds me!!! But they really don't shock me that much because it is not that hard to figure out just where the decline in our educational system has happened. When we  have administrators who think that our children are being taught too much in schools that they are getting overstimulated. Or that teaching them a foreign language at a young age is overstimulating their minds and a detriment to their growth process it really can't be that amazing to see why the literacy rates are as low as they are. And when teachers are told that they can not say the word no to their students as it does irreprable damage to their self-esteem, is it any wonder why there is so much damn bullying and fighting and disrespectful behavior in schools today? And that these kids take that attitude with them wherever they go in society. If any of you wonder why our youth seem to be so disrespectful and lazy, look no further than our school systems. It stopped being about what is the best for our children long ago and was replaced by what is best for the political agenda whomever is in charge has? It is no longer about teaching our children well and preparing them for life as leaders out in the real world some day but about how can I use this to my advantage in my political campaign? It is atrocious and beyond reprehensible that that is what our nation's education system has been reduced to, but it is the harsh truth that surrounds us.

Teachers have to be able to inspire the children under their care and to do that, they have to be able to use methods that include getting the child to reach to the highest limit and give everything they have. When I was in school, my teachers wanted and expected me to give it my full and complete effort. They commanded that I be willing to commit myself to being the best I could be and never being willing to settle for anything less than that. And they taught me to not just get by. They taught me to strive for more, to be more, to never stop learning or growing. Maybe that is why to this day, I love learning and I have an endless thirst and an insatiable desire to know more. I am curious on so many topics and I never like to hear that something is the way it is just because. I love being able to research and understand more and fill my mind with more knowledge. My mind knows no limits and that is due to the work ethic and desire to learn that my teachers instilled in me while I was under their guidance. Where is that guidance today? Where is that work ethic and that desire to learn? I believe it is still there as my ten year old niece loves to learn. She reads and loves to gain knowledge and has the same insatiable curiousity that I do. But she doesn't like going to school. Why? Because she is bored and she is bored because the teachers are not stimulating her at all. They don't seek the very best of herself. They don't ask her to go to that limit in her mind and reach even farther. They are so afraid of "overstimulating" her that they have now completely made her hate going to school. She sits there in class and can hardly pay attention due to how her teachers are holding back on what they can teach. They give the bare minimum of what they can teach because they don't want to break the rules set by those people who have no actual clue what it is like to teach or what it is like to implant that grain of knowledge into someone and have them grow that seed into a beautiful tree of knowledge. These higher ups are letting the kids slide and are undercutting the teachers ability to implant any seed of inspiration or any ember of curiousity and they just let them fall through the cracks. My niece is very smart and is very capable of greatness but is being held back due to this new idea that less is somehow more. I truly don't get it and I don't like it at all. Our children are suffering and no one who is in a position to do a thing about it seems to care enough to fix it. They just keep making it worse. The kids are getting less and less stimulated and less and less motivated and somehow, this is a good thing to the highest levels of education officials. They will compliment the teachers for implementing these plans even though it is literally debilitating our young people. Oh well right? As long as they still get paid and still get elected who cares about a little thing like our children or the future of this country?

The other thing that irks me with these rules is that it teaches children it is okay to be average. It is okay to settle for less. It is perfectly fine to not give your best. If you pass and get a C, well you passed. You did enough to pass onto the next grade. But did they really learn the material or are they just barely getting by? My niece is bored because the teachers teach beneath her. They teach the bare minimum and the basics so that the ones who don't have that same drive or work ethic don't get behind. The teachers are catering to the ones who don't mind settling or who don't have that insatiable curiosity and because of that, my niece becomes bored and withdrawn. It is a shame to turn people who are so bright and intelligent away from school where those things should be embraced because those things are not embraced, but rather, looked down upon as wrong somehow. It is giving them too much to think about and too much to work on. Give me a break already. Kids need to be stimulated and need to be given more than the "bare minimum". With that attitude, our children are slowly being turned away from the greatness and brilliance they possess because it is now wrong to teach them to be that way. And as an example of what this type of teaching is doing and how it is hurting every single student by teaching down to the lowest level and allowing everyone to settle is that when I was in English Composition I a few years ago, one of my fellow classmates got asked to identify the verb in this sentence: The cat is hungry and tired. He chose cat as the verb. I rememeber sitting there feeling sorry for this guy because he was being snickered at sitting there in college level english and he didn't know that cat is not the verb in that or any other sentence.  I didn't snicker, but rather, held my head down because I felt sad and bad for him. He had no knowledge or understanding of even the basic skills necessary to be in college, yet alone succeed. So from that moment on, my professor had to prety much teach remedial english to us because he couldn't fear that this young man would be even further behind. And so we all sat there bored and subdued because we had to wait for him to catch up to a level that he could succeed in the course. It is not fair to any of us in that situation. Not for myself or those of us who were beyond that basic level, not for our professor who had to go back and teach the fundamentals of english to this one student, and most of all, not fair to the student in question. Somewhere, somehow he was lost in the mix of this nonsense where education has become secondary to politics and he was passed on grade after grade because the teachers are told to not overstimulate and teach too much, so that the complete opposite happens. They don't teach at all and the students ability to think, to learn and to succeed falls by the wayside. It is as if suddenly the trend is to do as little as possible and still get by. What happened to being challenged and to be the very best you could be? When did that become a bad and evil thing? I don't know but it scares me to think this is what is now considered the wrong way to teach for fear of overstimulating the mind and overexposure. Is is just me who feels this is completely and utterly wrong?

This is not helping out the future of this country. If we keep on this downward slide, we will have children who grow up without the necessary skills to go out in the world and not only thrive but do well. They will be hanging on by a thread due to the lack of knowledge they received while in school. And I am not blaming the teachers for this as they are bound by a set of rules they have to follow. It is not their fault that these students are slipping through cracks and are being allowed to just settle for mediocrity. They do what they are told. This is soemthing that has to be changed from the top. The people who are truly in charge of the school systems and the guidelines the teachers have are the ones that have to repair this damage. I hope they do so before it is too late. The education of our young people is being neglected and so we are not teaching them well and letting them lead the way. We are failing them. They are the leaders of tomorrow but have no concept of true work ethic. They seem to be getting left further and further behind.

They are also allowed to behave in certain ways that lets them believe they can misuse, mistreat and disrespect others. The children have become the bosses in the classroom and that is NOT the way it is supposed to work. Those kids are suppposed to be learning and a lot of what they should be learning is how to respect others and the different points of view every one has. They should be learning how to share and how every one is an individual and should be respected as such. But, instead, the word no is not allowed for fear of what that may do to their psyche. What will them being allowed to do whatever they want affect their psyche? They will begin to think it is okay and acceptable to act however they want and that the world revolves around them. They will feel like they are entitled. That is not something any child should be learning in school. The youth of tomorrow are being led alright......but in the wrong direction. They are being taught to be lazy, be disrespectful and do the bare minimum both in the classroom and in the community. They are being taught the wrong things and the teachers hands are tied. They are being led as well. Being led into letting kids down and letting kids fail at life. That is why so many people don't want to teach. Why would anyone subject themselves to being told how to inspire and guide young people, especially when you know it is the wrong way? I know for me personally, it is why I cannot be a teacher. I thought about it for a long time but I am the type of person who doesn't like a lot of rules to begin with, as I feel they are just arbitrary and unnecessary. But these rules they are starting to implement with teachers being subjected to underachieving and allowing their children in their care to barely get by is something I could not ever deal with. I know in my heart and believe with everything I have that our children deserve more than that and they command more than that. Ask my nieces, both of them, and they will tell you they want to learn. They want to expand their imaginations and their knowledge. They seek to know more and understand more. Children crave learning and to hold them back in that journey is wrong as can be. As Whitney Houston said, "children are our future" and judging by the way things are going now, it is not a future filled with greatness, just mediocrity because that is what the new political agenda is.

Sorry that took so long but this is something I just feel really passionate about
Until next time,
Mel

Living in the Surreal World!!!!

Hello everyone!! I am back after a little lay off there. I hope you enjoyed the break cause I have been re-energized and refreshed for much more blogging this week. Sorry for being so AWOL lately but it is hard and tremendously challenging work getting a book ready to be published. I have been in the trenches trying to get all the details finalized. I can now report to you that my book has a title, Lamentations of an Idealistic Individual, and that its release date will be some time in the earlier part of the year (we are shooting for some time in February, or early March). So at that point in time, I will be up so high in the clouds I will not ever come down because it has been my dream since I can remember to have a book published. I have longed for that day to happen and now I am on the cusp of it and I just want to shout out FUCK YEAH BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To everyone who has ever had a dream, keep dreaming and don't ever stop believing that you will one day live it. I spent years shoving my dreams aside and living for others and settling for less than I deserved. I always told myself some day. Well, that day is now here. It has arrived and I can only imagine what it will feel like whenever I get to hold an actual live copy of my book. It will probably sink in then because right now, it still feels like my mind is playing tricks on me and that its all just a beautiful dream I don't want to wake up from. And so, if is a dream, don't wake me up. Please just let me sleep. I want to breathe this all in forever and never let any part of this pass me by. I love the fact I am almost actually there. I am almost a published author. I was looking over my initial book lay out yesterday and the first page said Copyright 2010 by Melissa Knepp and I nearly fell out of my chair because OMG OMG OMG, that is ME!!! I am the legal copyright owner of all of those words inside. And it also says no one can copy or reproduce any of it without the author's written consent, which again means ME!!! Guys, I don't know what to say truly. I feel elated, stunned, and happier than can ever be imagined!!! I only hope that others go out and take a chance on my book and buy a copy. And not because I will make some money, because I will, but because I truly can't think of  a better gift to give someone than inspiration. I love to feel inspired and I hope that by my words, others can be implanted with a seed of inspiration. If that happens, then I know all this hard work and staying up until five a.m. to check and revise and edit and read is worth it. My dream is becoming a reality, and I am so thrilled beyond measure to be living this reality!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until next time,
Best regards to everyone
Mel

Chasing the Impossible

Nothing is impossible. If you can dream it, you can live it. You can do anything if you put your mind to it.
Wonderful words of wisdom and they are very motivating and encouraging. However, they are not true. There is something that is impossible and no amount of effort will get you there. You can dream about it all day long and all night long if you want. It is a fruitless and futile endeavor. You will never reach this dream. What exactly am I referring to? Perfection. Plain and simply put, perfection is an impossibility that none of us have never reached and will never reach. You can spend the rest of your days trying to get there but you will fail and will fail miserably.

And I know this from first hand experience. You see, when I was younger I spent all my time chasing after perfection. Thinking that being perfect was how to fit in and be a part of the crowd, I became obsessed with making myself perfect or at least thinking that I wasn't perfect and that was what was wrong with me. I thought my weakness and what made me so unlikable growing up was my inability to be perfect or say the perfect thing or wear the perfect clothes. I tried desperately to belong and fit in. And I would get rejected time and again. And so my thinking was I am just not trying hard enough cause I am obviously not perfect enough. I have to go buy more clothes and I have to wear better clothes. I just have to get up on that pedestal of perfection or I will never be anything of significance. I am nothing without perfection. That was how I thought and felt at the time. And I would spend endless nights crying myself to sleep after cursing myself in the mirror for not reaching that goal. I would hate myself for not being perfect and what they needed me to be. I was hell bent on being perfect and I would get there or die trying.

And yet as of today sitting here writing this, I have still not attained perfection.I have still not become flawless or without faults. I still have blemishes and I am still damaged. I am imperfect as can be, and you know what? I am proud of that. I embrace it and accept it because why would I want to be perfect? How boring would I be then? How predictable would I be? The longer I have lived, the more I know that true beauty does not lie in perfection, but rather in the imperfection. The imperfection is where the passion and the joy comes from. Because imperfection is a lot less safe or boring than perfection. And I can't stand to be bored. So I may be imperfect but I am not boring, and that makes me okay with not being up on that perfect pedestal that I once craved above and beyond anything else. And I also now know that I am somebody and I am special. I am not nothing just because I am imperfect. In fact, I now know that I am beautiful and part of that is BECAUSE of my imperfectness. People love me because of my imperfections. And I love them the same way. I don't want them to change because I love who they are as individuals and that includes their flaws. I don't love them any less because of those things. I probably love them even more. So I have come a long way from hating myself for not being perfect to loving myself for being far from it.

It is so amazing how much time I spent wasting trying to be perfect. I can't believe how much I longed for perfection to come my way. The money and the effort I wasted trying to be something I was not and was never going to be. I should have just accepted the blemishes, the faults, the spots and all a long time ago as I believe my life may have been much happier that way. But I guess I wasn't supposed to find all this out that soon. Everything happens for a reason and though I don't really know the why, I don't need to. I just know that I no longer spend one single second trying to chase down an impossible dream. It is a game I will never win and I am far too competitive of a person to enter into that type of game. I no longer want to be perfect at all. I want to be the very best of who I am and I understand that even then, at my very best, I am still loaded down with imperfection. But I am okay with that. I no longer view imperfection as a weakness. It is a part of me and I am beautiful and I am wonderful and being imperfect is part of that package. So I no longer chase after something that won't make me any happier than I am right this second. There is joy in the imperfection and beauty in the chaos.Imperfection is what makes life worth living. It is what adds variety and unpredictability and beauty into the world. Imagine a world where we were all perfect and all thought the same and acted the same "perfect" way. I would be far less happy then because I would be bored out of my mind. So I don't know what the rest of you want to do, but  I know that I am going to spend the rest of my life enjoying each and every last minute I get no matter how full of imperfection it may be. I am not perfect and I thank god every day for that. I am a fucking hell of a lot happier and better off now than I was whenever I was trying to chase that impossible dream of being perfect. I am not perfect..........and that is perfectly fine with me!!

Until next time
Take it easy
Mel

American Pride

Good morning everyone!! I hope all is going well in your neck of the woods as I know its going fantastically, superbly, beyond amazingly well in mine. I feel as if I am walking in the clouds right now and have the urge to climb a mountain and scream at the top of my lungs. But I will get to that in a few moments. First things first.

Today is a very important national observance. It is one of the truly special day of rememberances we have. Today is Veteran's Day and I feel the need to take a few minutes to say thank you to all of those men and women who have fought and/or died for our continued freedom. They have endured so much for all of us so that we have the freedom to speak and write what is on our minds and to worship whatever god or gods we choose. If not for their sacrifices, we would not be able to express ourselves as freely as we can now. These men and women are the epitome of brave and courageous. I know that saying thank you is NOT nearly enough to repay them for everything they have put into the fight, but I will say it loudly and resoundingly: THANK YOU!!! You are all remembered and honored as the true heroes you are. And whether you are for war or not, as I am a strong pacifist and don't agree with most wars, you cannot be against the people who go out and fight in them so bravely and honorably. That takes immense strength and way more courage than most of us have inside. I am taking a moment now to bow my head and remember all of our heroes from the past, those who are presently serving in harm's way, and to any future men and women who dedicate themselves to preserving our freedom and liberty. Without them, we would not be sitting as pretty as we are. Yes, this country has problems, but one of them we don't have is lack of liberty or freedom. And that is because we have some extremely good men and women to thank. And we should not just do this on Veterans' Day, but on every single day we are alive. These people deserve our unending praise and unwavering support. God bless every last one of them.

Okay, now that I have given credit and respect where it is due, I am going to give you guys the GREATEST NEWS EVER!!! I am simply over the moon about this. I really can't even believe I am getting ready to type this but, I am getting pubished. Yes that is right. My poetry is going to be put out in a book for people to buy. I don't know what else to say other than I am truly blessed and feel like I am walking on air. But the fact is, this is only the beginning. There is an old Chinese proverb that says "a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". Well, this is my single step. Onwards and upwards is the direction I am headed now and I couldn't be more thrilled. I feel as if this is only the beginning. I know that I have lots more dreams to accomplish and I am not settling for this, as amazing as this is. I simply have started down a path to having all of my dreams and hopes realized. And I am here to tell everyone that if you want to achieve your dreams, believe in yourself enough to make it happen. Don't sit back and wait on fate to intervene. Because guess what? We will never get there if we wait and maintain the status quo. We have to get off our asses and work for it. Then we can and will accomplish our goals. I finally realized this truth I just shared with you and, yes I feel as if I waited longer than I should have as I am now in my late twenties. But it is never too late to reach your full potential and have your dreams realized. I can tell you that for a certainty.

I hope that everyone of you finds that belief in yourself and that you reach your full potential. You can and will get there, I have no doubts of that. Just keep the faith and never let anyone, including yourself, hold you back from going for what you want. Dream big and dare to live them!!!! I am sitting here rooting you on and cheering you with everything I have inside. I KNOW you can do it!!! Now go out and do it.

I will be keeping you all updated and informed on my book as more details emerge but as of right now, I am just elated to know that I am getting some of my work published. That is enough for me in the present moment to keep me motivated and driven to continue on in my pursuit of following my heart and living my dreams!!!

And it is not lost on me that a big reason why any of this is even possible for me or anyone else is because of our true American heroes who have fought on the front lines and bled and died in some cases so that you and I have the ability, the freedom and the liberty to follow our dreams and accomplish our goals. If they had not been willing to sacrifice it all, I would not be so free to express myself and do what I am passionate about and share it with others. So once more I commend every single one of our soldiers, past, present and future for all their bravery.

Until next time,
Best regards to all
Mel

My Favorite Word

Hello everyone!!!! I hope all is well with you guys as everything is going fine in my corner of the world. I could complain...but it wouldn't help any so I won't. This week has already been hectic.......and its only Monday!! Judging by the way things went today, it is going to be one very very very LONG week. Yay!! That totally excites me to no end (inserting heavy sarcasm here since you can't actually hear me say this). I don't have a problem with work usually. I just don't like when it gets beyond crazy and wild, like what happened tonight. I prefer busy, not fucking CHAOTIC!!!! ARGH! (and here I said I wasn't going to complain.oh well, I guess I lied.) But anyway, enough of that. What I want to talk about today is my favorite word. I love English and I love reading because it expands your mind and it increases your vocabulary. I know lots and lots of words, and I have lots that I adore and love. But none of them do I love as much as the word fuck. Yes, that is what I said. I love the word fuck. It is the most awesome word ever invented and I for one never get tired of saying it or hearing it. I know what you are thinking. I must be nuts to think that a curse word is the best word ever made or that I think of it as my favorite, but it is true. And in the next few minutes, I will explain to you just exactly why I adore the word so fucking much (heehee, sorry I can't resist that).

So, why would I feel that the word fuck is so damn amazing. Well, first of all, the versatility of the word is the most beautiful thing to witness. Fuck is literally the only word I can think of that can be used as any part of speech. It can be used as a verb as in fuck off or fuck you or fuck a duck. It can be used as an adjective as in that fucking prick or you are a fucking moron. It can also be used as an adverb as in that stupid fucking moron. Or of course it can be used as a noun as in the fuck-up isn't so bad. Admit it, there is not another word like it in the english language. Believe me, I know. I have checked this out and no other word can be thrown into so many sentences and still be grammatically correct.If you don't believe me, google it. You will find the true amazingness of this word then. The versatility of this word makes it unique and extraordinary. I think that being versatile is very important and for that very reason, the word fuck commands my respect and whomever invented this word is an absolute fucking genius (there I used it again).

Seriously, I love the word and I tend to use it a lot. I think I use it on a pretty regular basis no matter what the occasion. But if I get really angry, I will almost wear it out. What can I say? I fucking love to say fuck.
And some people would call it a vice of mine, and I can't say that I disagree if you go by what a vice is defined as. But I still love to say it and I don't really care that it is a vice or  not. I don't think it is a vice because I don't think it is a bad word. Unfortunately, by today's standards, the use of the word fuck is not deemed to be appropriate or acceptable.It is one of the "bad" words we are taught not to say because it is offensive and foul. But, as usual, me being such a pain in the collective world's ass, I on't agree. I think it is just a word.  A very descriptive and brilliant word. I get that it can be used to inflame, to degrade or offend. But so can nearly any other word in the dictionary. If I thought about it long enough, I could make any word become offensive based solely on how I used it and how I said it. So it is not the word itself that is offensive or inappropriate. It is how and when and where the word is used. I don't say the word around my mother (although if she reads this, I really am fucked-not the good kind either LOL) because it is just not something she would approve of.
And as much as I don't have a problem with saying it around people or not giving a fuck what most people think, I do respect my mother enough to not say it in front of her. However, she knows I say it and she has accepted that fact. So if my mother can accept it, I think the rest of the world will have to as well. I don't use it around young children either. I don't really think it is all that bad but I don't want to be the one they point at whenever the parents ask them where on earth they learned that word. But a big part of me thinks it should not be such a big deal to say. I don't know. I guess to me fuck is just not the worst thing I can say or do for that matter. I think if my child learned that word and said it, I would laugh at them and the only real problem I would have is if they used it wrong and made the sentence become erroneous. Is that wrong? I suspect this idea is not universally accepted or popular, but since when have I ever been one to conform or go with the popular choice. I feel the word is brilliant and should be used more. I also feel that people should not be so ashamed to say the word because really, who says it is bad? When did the word become a "bad" word? I just don't get the big deal about a word. It is context that I have a problem with. If I am around town and someone says hey there you fucking moron, I don't care that they used the f- word nearly as much as the fact they called me a moron. I think that is more offensive to me (or at least as offensive as I can ever deem anything considering I am pretty unoffendable) than the "foul" language. I don't find it foul language at all to say fuck or shit or hell or damn. They are words. And they can make for some pretty interesting combinations also. Sometimes  I can't help but laugh when I hear somebody throw some of these words together to reem somebody out. I think it is pretty brilliant and ingenius of them. But hey, I am sure that is just me. Like usual, I am a rebel with a fucking foul mouth (heehee).

Until next time,
Best regards
Mel

A Sneak Peak Special

Hello ya'll, its me again!!! I am coming back down after being high (on sugar so don't give me that look) all weekend. I have had an endless supply of sugar in various forms this weekend, be it cupcakes, cake, ice cream or pie. I know I just admitted to being a sugar addict and well...........this weekend did NOT help me on that front. So I had to make up for all that sugar eating with a whole lotta walking on the treadmill. I mean, a whole fucking lot of walking. I walked on the treadmill, well lightly jogged, at a ten incline for 60 minutes. Talk about a work out!!! But after my doctor visit on Friday, when I weighed in at 182 fucking pounds, I knew I had to start burning more calories off and work out harder. I had been slacking for about a month and a half and I knew it was causing me to gain some weight again, but 182 pounds is UNACCEPTABLE!! I did not work as hard as I did this past year and a half just to put it all back on, or even some of it. So no more taking it easy or slacking. I have got to get back to being an exercise junkie instead of a cake, pie, cookie, cupcake, fried food junkie like I have been for the past few weeks. I have to get back on track.

But enough about the negative. Lets talk about the positive. I am very excited to say that on the prospect of being published, I now have one more week of waiting on the second company to get back to me and then I will be able to proceed by deciding which company I go with. I can then arrange my finances to pay for the services and by mid to late spring next year, SHAZAM!! I will be a fucking published poet (sorry about using the f word so much as it is yet another of my vices). I am just so excited, or as my friends would call it, sexcited at the idea of having my poetry out there for public viewing. It is both exciting and a little scary. I will be honest by admitting it is a scary thought to have my words out there for praise and ridicule alike. I know not everyone will like my poetry as that is the nature of the world, but I really hope that more people like it or at least find something positive with it than don't. If I can make one person a little happier or a bit more inspired by my words, or I can give them some light or hope, then I can safely say this book of mine will be a successful endeavor. So, here is to hoping.

Now, I would like to share of my poems with you today. I feel that if I put my words out there for you guys to see, almost like a preview, it will make you more inclined to go buy my book (not that I am putting any type of pressure on any of you). But for your viewing pleasure (or I hope it will be a pleasure anyway), here are a few of my poems from my vast and varied collection.

Eternal Victim

lonely shadows in my heart
filled with anger and pain
there is no light left inside of me
only sadness and misery remain
what have I done to deserve this 
I wonder to myself
the way you scream
and always hit me and yell
at me for whatever is wrong 
in your life
I am the victim
yet I am the one left holding the knife
I can't comprehend  how it happened
but you got to me
now I have no confidence
only self-loathing and misery
I feel myself drowning 
and floating away
If only there were something 
I could do or say
but you are in control
and that I know is true
no matter what I try 
I can never break free of you

 GONE TOO SOON

just like a page that has been ripped from a book
or a shooting star that disappears after a single look
you were here with me for such a short time
how can I go on without you by my side
I thought I would have you longer than I did
but death is incomprehensible to a little kid
I yearn for the healing touch only my daddy can bring me
and now all I have left to cling to is your memory
the life you lived was so full and happy
but too short for any of us to love you completely
you are in Heaven, this I know
I am still here longing to be with you so
but until God sees fit to reunite us one day
I will keep you in my heart with all that I do and say

POINT OF GRACE

Millions of people starving all over
Craving for food, love and most of all hope
How can we keep turning our backs
To those people at the ends of their rope
Children dying of disease and famine every day
Not just in the villages of Sudan and Chad
But even in the houses on Broadway
How is gotten so unbelievably bad
The poor and underprivileged without a place to live
And yet we pass by on our way to work
Failing to notice or ignoring the urge to give
We keep chasing after more money and clinging to what we already have
Explain to me how we have let it come to this
And let the human condition deteriorate
Can we continue to look at ourselves in the mirror
And not try to turn over our fate
Some people say what is the use in trying
Its useless and pointless to expect change
Call me crazy, naive, or stupid but there is no denying
That I myself will stop nothing short of progress
For my dream is a vision of a future without fear
And my hope is for peace to find a place
Inside of every human being's heart everywhere
And let us all find that point of grace
We can get there if we are all willing to fight
Let us leave this world a better place than how we found it
You and I have the ability to make all of the wrongs right
We must come together now to make this dream a reality


DRUNK OFF OF YOU


soft skin
like a pillow on my chest
a mess of hair
fills up the bed like a bird's nest
the beauty of your soul
the warmth of your smile
I embrace you 
for a little while
you are my wine
my intoxicated spirit
is addicted to all of you
I can't believe you are all mine
all of you
together with me
is everything I will ever need
you are my dream come true
my addiction is growing every hour
the love I feel 
is gaining power
how can someone so perfect and pure
be happy with me
just an ordinary girl
trying to be all that you deserve
my wine is sweet 
its of the best quality
and it feels me all the way to the top
I drink it up everyday cause I love it so much
and I can never stop
drinking from your bottle
that feels warm to the touch



NOTHING

if there were a way 
to make it all disappear
I would find a way to leave
but, alas, I can't stop
this speeding train
from imminent derailment
And I can't start to believe
In all those things
others speak of
hope, faith, unconditional love
If I could control this life
I would do just that
and would rise above
all this fucking bullshit
that doesn't even fucking matter
Or mean a damn thing to me
it is all for nothing
just being wasted
so why can't I just be me? 


PHONY

there is a darkness
in my soul
that I can not define
buried beneath 
all of the smiles
is a sadness so divine
it makes me weep when I am alone
and have only the walls 
to hear me cry
outside of those walls
I put up a front
and keep living a lie


I KNOW I SHOULDN'T


I know I shouldn't love you
but I can't help this feeling I have inside
I know I shouldn't long for you
but I am having difficulty trying to hide
I know I shouldn't reach out for your hand
but I just can't help it
I hope you understand
I know I shouldn't call you on the phone
But I want to talk to you
always whenever I am all alone
I know I shouldn't 
think about you so much
but I just need you close to me
to feel your touch
I know I shouldn't want you and should turn away
But I cannot give up
the unbelievable love you sent my way
I know I shouldn't dream about you and your gorgeous face
but you are there in my dreams each and every night
I know I shouldn't want you as much as I do
but I can't control myself to turn away from Mr. Right

Okay, guys. There you have it. A sample of some of the poems you will be seeing in my book, when and if (crossing every last finger, toe, arm, leg, and whatever else I can) it is published. The subject matter is varied and versatile, which is the way my life has been as well. I sincerely hope you felt something reading those and that you took something away from those words. I have taken something away from them myself. Every time I write a poem, it is a release for me. It takes away some of the anger or the hurt or the pain or it helps me convey my happiness in that moment. I love writing poetry because it is so cathartic for me. I would have given in to the madness long ago if not for this outlet. So, I hope you enjoyed the reading and just know, there is plenty more where that came from ........literally.

Thanks for stopping by. And until next time, best regards.
See you on the other side some time.
Mel






 






 

Longing for Home

So I have been sitting around today reminiscing. One month, thirty whole days, 720 hours. That is how long it has been since I left NYC. That is how long I have been out of it, not myself due to missing the city so much. I never thought in a million years I would fall in love so deeply and completely with anything, much less a city. I am from the country and grew up around the same fifty people and the same old routine day in and day out. I always told myself I loathed the big city and that life wasn't for me. Little did I know how wrong I was on that matter. I guess it was just that I had never been to the city when I was growing up so I didn't know what I was missing. I had no reason to miss it cause I was never there. I did go to NYC back in 2002, but I was still too young and too naive to the ways of the world and still didn't grasp my own ideas or beliefs too firmly. I was still, at that point, trying desperately to be what everyone else wanted me to be and that was a small town girl. They wanted me to be happy, secure and content in that small town. That was who I was supposed to be to them. But, as I have found out recently, that is not who I am. I want to be in the city that doesn't sleep. I want to be a part of it. Yes, I am citing lyrics from "New York, New York" here but that is how much I find myself missing it. I am consumed by one and only thought. The severe need, yes it is a
physical need, to get back to the city. I long for it. I am heartbroken due to not being there. I feel lost and out of place as I sit here typing this even though I am "home". But this doesn't feel like home to me. It feels like a temporary place to stay until I get back home. I realize, upon reflection, how much I don't want to be in this small town and continue the same old routine I have done the past 26 years. I want to live. I want to see the world. I mean, going to NYC and being a part of that culture for six days, felt like the most right and most true thing I have ever felt. I felt at home. I felt I was where I belonged. My heart was at peace and at rest and I felt so happy. I have never felt such unadulterated bliss in my life. Who knew that the bright lights and the big city would have that effect on me? To me, New York City is just the place to be. It is where I can get my daily fix on art and creativity and inspiration. I have never in my life been so inspired as I was walking down the streets of New York. Everywhere I looked I saw something inspiring. I saw something all the time that ignited that flame of passion in my soul. It was such an incredible rush. I miss that rush and I long for that rush. I need to get back to that feeling of euphoria, that feeling of pure and complete happiness. My soul needs to feel alive and my spirit needs to soar free. So I have to get back to New York City. It is vital to my life, my health and my sanity.

Now, I don't love New York City just because those six days I spent there a month ago where the most amazing days of my life, which they were. I had dreams come true that I have dreamed longer than I can even remember. I had a life changing moment one night when I saw the most amazing, beautiful piece of art ever. I still carry that message from that play with me with every single breath I take. The play, Underneathmybed, was so powerful and compelling, it still resonates. It truly changed me in ways I still can't really grasp at times. But I owe a lot to seeing that play. I loved seeing it and I loved the whole experience I got that night and every other night I was in the city. But, as much as  I loved it all, the reason I know why in my heart that NYC is the place for me is because of how it made me feel. I didn't even have to be doing anything to feel happy. I could just be laying down in the apartment and listening to the hustle and bustle outside of my window. Some people may call what I heard noise, but I called it music. I love the fact that in New York, you can always move. The movement is endless. Even at 3 am, there is something to do and there are people out. It is not a ghost town. It is not a place where boredom can ever find you. I mean, I don't think it is possible for anyone to become bored in that city. There is just constant and continual movement in NYC and I love that. I crave that actually. So, for me it is a deep need to get back there one day..........and SOON!!! I don't think my sanity can take it.

Something else I realize after my trip is this: how big the world is and how small I have been allowing myself to be. I am 26 and have barely even made a dent in the world. What I mean is that there are so many people and so many places to see and things to do that I have been wasting my time seeing the same people and doing the same thing every day. Maybe it is just that I am a restless soul at heart and don't like to be a slave to monotony or a prisoner of the ordinary. And, don't get me wrong, I am not knocking anyone who feels the need to stay in one place their whole life and do the same monotonous duties every day. God bless those that can do that. I am not one of those people. I want to see new things and new people. I desire being able to experience a plethora of experience, and I know that I will never achieve that if I stay here. I know by being in New York City, I will never be bored and I will never see the same things or people (if and when I do, it will be time to move on again). I don't know if any of this makes sense to you guys or not, but to me, it is the most sensical, logical, and natural thing in the world. I just know in my heart and feel in my gut that NYC is my home. I remember every detail of those six days even a month later. I remember the way I felt so serene and didn't get angry or frustrated at the things I know I would have tripped out over if those same things would have happened here. New York is just that calming effect on my soul. I also remember how much I did not want to come back. I started getting heartbroken that Saturday night when I started to understand fully that I was not long for the city. I had to leave. And I did not want to go. I remember how heavy my legs felt walking down the tunnel to get on my return flight. I remember how heavy my chest felt from all the hurt I was feeling due to having to leave. In that moment, I would have sold all of myself to not get on that plane. I seriously contemplated not getting on the plane and just staying with the few dollars I still had and just winging it. I felt that I would have been happier being in NYC with no plan or  place to stay or job than going back to this one horse, small, mundane town that I had always, up until then considered home. But I knew in that moment, this place was no longer my home. It was just the place I grew up. I was leaving my home but as sad as I was, I promised myself I would be back one day. I would come back and next time, it would be for good. That was the only way I could get myself on that plane. I didn't even miss this place either guys. I didn't spend one second longing for this place while I was gone. I never even thought about what was going on or spent any time dwelling on the things going on back here. I had only the thoughts of how much I loved NYC, even in the chaotic and crazy moments of carrying our luggage with us all through Times Square. Even when it took 3 hours to get home one night from Jersey, I never hated the experience. Hell, even when we got into the death cab for a minute and got dropped off on a dark, back alley street corner, I didn't hate it. I don't think there was anything that could have happened to ruin my mood while in the city. And that is highly unusual for a moody person like me. But, for whatever reason, the city does that to me. And that is why I need to get back as soon as I can. It is the key to my sustained good mood and success. I have found so much happiness and light from going to NYC for those six days. It did my body, my mind, my spirit and my soul good.  I miss the city because for me, there is no place else on earth I would rather be.

Until next time
Best regards to all
Mel

On the Verge of Somethinng Wonderful

Okay guys I am back. Yes, already. What can I say? I couldn't stay away from blogging for long. Blogging may actually be my new addiction (which at least I won't gain any weight by writing heehee). I just love to write and love sharing stuff with others and I apologize if its too much, but I will be the first to admit I am unabashedly long winded (we all have the things we were gifted with). And as you can tell, I can make a long story exponentially longer with my incredible and amazing gift for gab. But I digress. Back to the subject at hand which is the wonderful and exciting news I received today. I am a poet as I have already said, but I have never ever taken the plunge of actually trying to get published...........until recently. I finally had a life changing moment occur where I realized that what good was all the words I had spoken if I was not willing to share them with others. So I started shipping around my poetry to publishers. And I sent off my manuscript to two firms last week and I heard back from both today. The one publisher wants to get started publishing right now and says that my poetry is some of the best he has ever seen (but I do take that with a grain of salt because, well, he is trying to sell me his services and what better way than by buttering me up). The other publishing company said they will get back to me in about 10 days or so. So here is my dilemna. Should I go with the one that has already offered their service? I still have to go through the editing and marketing process and make a plan and, of course, pay for the service but he seemed genuinely thrilled about the prospect of my work getting out there. Or should I wait for the other one to contact me and then compare the two? Or should I maybe see if I can get two books published ( I honestly don't know if that is even allowed)? So many questions and yet, I can't stop floating across the sky with this news. I am on the cusp of success. I am on the verge of something wonderful, something amazing, something I used to only dream of. I am on my way to making my dreams happen and living my dreams. I am so deliriously happy right now at the thought, the mere prospect, of me being a published poet. How fucking sweet is that? I can't help but be super excited about this!!!!!!!! I feel like my life is finally moving forward and in the direction I want and need it to go. And I have done it on my own. I stopped waiting around for fate to intervene. I believe in fate totally and  completely but I have also come to realize that fate is in our hands. Fate sets us up to get to the finish line but we have to be willing to go the rest of the way on our own or we will never get there. Fate only takes us so far. I am going the rest of the way. I am motivated and committed to getting this book published. Hopefully, very soon, I will be able to give out more detailed info such as title and release date. I won't know what to do when I actually see my name on the front cover of a book in a bookstore or online somewhere. What a fucking trip that will be!!!!!!!!!!! So, everyone please keep checking in to see when this first (of many more) will become available to you. I may actually start to post some of my poems on here and I am going to also start doing poetry readings on youtube as well. I just want to get the word out there to as many people as I can that my book is on the horizon.....................................................which is some kind of wonderful as yet undefined by my mind!!!!!

Until next time
Best regards

Mel

These are a few of my favorite things (that aren't good for me).

I have been sitting around thinking.......yeah I know I was supposed to stop doing so much of that. But, before you get on me too much and start reaming me out for lasting a whole 36 hours in my new stop thinking and start doing approach, hear me out. I have been thinking on other things that I do too much of, such as thinking and worrying. Those are two of my vices for sure. But I have many others and I need to bring those to light as well so that I can work on doing those less while I continue to learn how to stop thinking excessively and worrying so needlessly to the point my stress level goes through the roof.

Okay, now to my other vices. The things that I really need to focus on and try, TRY to change or at least modify. One of the biggest ones for me is dessert. I am a cookie junkie, yes I admit it. I am addicted to cookies. If you put a cookie in front of me, I will NOT be able to control myself. As my sister can attest to, I am the real life, breathing cookie monster minus the blue fur and the excessive rambling (although on occasion, I do ramble and sound like the cookie monster.) My sister and brother-in-law recently moved in with us and, I love my sister to death, but please please please STOP BAKING COOKIES SIS!!! I mean she is not helping curb my addiction. I am perfectly okay and can live without cookies and don't get tempted at all, when I don't smell them and see them up close and personal. But anytime I smell her baking some cookies, I run upstairs and just wait for that oven timer to go off, all but shouting "Gimme Gimme a cookie". I swear I should just paint myself blue and become the official cookie monster because when there are cookies around, I can't resist. I have no will power. I have packed on 8 lbs. since my sister moved in two months ago and that is because she is constantly baking cookies. And yes, if you are thinking that I am blaming this all on my sister, you would be totally right. Sorry sis, but its YOUR fault since you know I can't help myself. I mean is it my fault I am addicted to cookies? And yet, living with a cookie addict does not make you stop baking them. I am an addict and she is my enabler. Its just a fact. And let me tell you that the madness does not stop with cookies. Nope, my sister, the resident Betty Crocker also bakes pies. Yep, pies. If I am an absolute hard core cookie addict, than I am a pie junkie. I can't stop eating pie. It is my weakness for sure. In fact, when I die, just carve this on my head stone. Here she lies, the girl who LOVED pies. I am that sick. I need pie like most people need oxygen. Thanksgiving is approaching and it scares me because there is so much pie around during all those dinners I go to ( I don't think I mentioned yet that I am Amish and have like 800 cousins on each side and so the family get togethers are rather large) and I just love pie. Apple, cherry, peach, pumpkin..........or my personal favorite mincemeat. It doesn't matter. I love them all. Pie is just...............ecstasy. If you want to get to me to that place, you know the one I mean, give me some pie. Pie is like sex for me........... I am not joking either. I literally go weak for a slice of pie. And I just admitted to it so there is step one. Step two is actually having the strength to not eat pie when and if it is in front of me. I don't know how to do that. I need some serious intervention on this. Is there a pie anonymous out there anywhere? I need the number stat. Oh and I need for you sis, to stop baking that awesome pumpkin pie.

But its not only cookies or pies that make me weak. I love sugar. I crave it every day. I eat too much of it. Whether its the cookies or the pies or that bag of peanut M&Ms I get at work, I am always eating junk food loaded with sugar. And it makes me so mad because I lost 80 pounds and I got there by not eating that stuff. I had the will power for months, and now its all gone seemingly. I have to get that back. I have to tap into that place deep inside me that makes me NOT crave it, or if I do crave it, have the strength to not eat it. I have done it before and I can do it again. And I really am only joking about my sister being to blame. Its my fault. She has every right to bake that stuff and I hope she does honestly because what better way to test my will power and my strength than by having it around me and tempting me. If I can have it around me and can see it and smell it, but not partake in any of it, than I have succeeded. I want and need to succeed in this goal. I just do. So I need to stop being the cookie monster and that pie junkie who is longing for a sugar high constantly. I need to just stop. I will let you know how that goes for me.

But sugar and dessert is not my only vice. I wish it was but I have some more that are far more dangerous to my health than sugar, which sugar is bad for me but not as bad as some of my vices. I love booze, like I love it!!! I love drinking alcohol. I really do. I don't drink all the time, but when I do, I drink way too much. I am pretty sure I am the definition of a binge drinker. I prefer to drink at least one beer a day but the problem with that is I can't stop at just one. Drinking alcohol to me is like freaking potato chips: I can't have just one. I don't think I am addicted to alcohol though because I did not drink any at all for a long time. I stopped drinking entirely when I was trying to lose weight and I had a hard time with that. I missed drinking. So occasionally, I would still succumb to that desire with very bad results. I drink and drink and drink. I know my limit, but I choose to keep drinking anyway. And I spend far too much of the money I don't have on booze. Take last night for example. I went out with some friends who I had not seen in a while to catch up and we went to a restaurant and I ordered a beer to eat with my food. Well, before my food even arrived, I had that one drank and half of another. And since I have lost weight, I can't drink near as much before exceeding my limit. I used to be able to drink about a case of beer on my own. I could drink anyone under the table and I was proud of that. Now, I can barely handle two. But I had two last night, and then two became three. And I was out of it. I stopped thank goodness since I was driving and we sat and talked forever but I still didn't like the fact that I spent so much money on such a needless thing. Now, I am not saying that alcohol is bad or that you are a bad person for drinking because I don't believe that and I am not saying that. However, I feel if you spend too much time and money on it, it can become a problem that just adds to your stress level. I don't make enough money to keep spending it on alcohol. Especially considering I have places I want to go and dreams I want to achieve.

The other problem I have whenever I drink are the choices I make. I don't make good ones at all. Surprise right? Alchohol inhibits your ablity to make good choices. Well, in my case, its not just me making bad choices, its multiple bad choices that are dangerous to my health. Namely, whenever I drink, I smoke. I hate smoking. I detest the smell of it. I detest the taste of it. I detest the way it makes you smell and the way it stains your teeth when you light up a cigarette. I hate the way it blackens your lungs. But when I drink, I smoke. I can see myself doing it and I cringe but yet I still take one out of the pack and light it up and inhale. I want to smack myself when I do this but I just keep smoking instead. And the other thing I do when I drink that is bad is that I get really bulletproof. I don't just mean hahaha get up and dance on the table, funny, lighthearted kind of stuff. I mean real serious, dangerous stuff. Like jumping off of porches or almost getting in fights with other people because they looked at me and I took it offensively. I will do anything when I get inebriated and I won't listen to the voice in my head that says what I am doing is wrong. I hear it and ignore it. I like the feeling of losing all control and not being so predictable and safe. I want to be bad and dangerous and so I am. I do harmful, potentially self-destructive things when I drink too much. So, needless to say, I am not an alcoholic in that I have to drink or that it is all I think about. But I am definitely a binge drinker and I have the capacity to drink lots and the potential to do harmful and unhealthy things when I do. So I am really trying not to let that control my life too much.

So there it is. There are my vices I am going to try hard to not do anymore, or at least modify it so that I don't eat too many cookies or drink too much alcohol. I know I can focus enough and that I have enough will power to not give in to temptation, but I just have to find it. I seem to have misplaced it somewhere. I will get it back and I will stop being the living, breathing cookie monster. And I forgive my sister for baking so much. She can continue to be Betty Crocker and I will be a good sister and keep away from the kitchen.

Well this has been a revealing blog hasn't it? I seem to have said a lot, maybe too much? Anyway, I will be back later to blog some more.

Until next time,
Best regards and don't eat too many cookies (believe me I know how hard that is to do)
Mel

Living for Myself and No One Else

So,  here I am sitting at work...bored and all caught up with my work left alone with nothing but my thoughts. WOW, what a scary place that can be!!! I have always been a heavy thinker and at times, can be described as an over thinker. I tend to think things that no one else seems to think (probably because they aren't slaves to their thoughts the way I am). Whenever I get a thought, it just consumes me until I can no longer focus on any other task. It becomes an obsession to me....as if I have to think this through this very moment or risk going crazy!!! I am aware that thinking too much is a stressor and the last thing I need in my life is more stress. I already tend to hold onto things until I become prisoner to them. I am someone who just doesn't seem to know how to let it go and live in the now. I always want to think of things in the future, and when I say think, I mean worry. I worry too much. I think too much. I make myself miserable at times with how much I overthink and worry. And I need it to stop. I need to stop thinking and start doing. I need to live my life in the now because the now, the here and now, is all I have. There is nothing else. The future is not guaranteed to me and the past is forever gone. I need to stop letting my past sins (which are numerous and, in some cases, pretty egregious) go and stop worrying so much on the future and just live in the moment, and know that the choices I make in the here and now will directley affect my future. So why worry so much about something that I can make for myself by living for myself right now? To not be such a prisoner to my thoughts (although I don't necessarily believe that thought are a bad thing, just too many of them) and to not be such a slave to my worry over the future are the two things I am focusing on changing about myself. I am now self-aware enough of these two big negative aspects of my life that I hope to move beyond them.

The other thing I have decided to no longer allow myself to do is to let others speak for me or, worse than that, silence me. I am very opinionated and very passionate in the things I think and feel. But I have a horrible habit of not wanting to be confrontational in any way. I want to keep the peace, even at the expense of being heard or seen. I become invisible and silent and let others take my place in the spotlight. Now, this may sound selfish as it probably is selfish to think and say this but, I am tired of being ignored and not having my chance to speak up and be the person who has everyone's attention. I want to be heard because my voice matters DAMN IT!!! I need to be seen because I MATTER!! And I am through being silenced and being tossed aside. I have spent my whole life in the background begging, pleading, just hoping that somehow, someway someone would step in and say let her speak, let her stand forward. But no one ever did and part of that is my fault. See, I am now aware that I have to validate myself and make myself be heard. I was playing right into other people's hands by standing back and taking the road of least resistance and placating everyone. I just shut up because they told me to. Well, things have changed. I have my own thoughts, my own ideas, my own opinions and whether others agree or not, my feelings will be taken seriously. I am no longer naive enough to think I can please everyone, nor do I want to. I want to follow my heart and stand strong in my convictions, popularity and conformity be damned. I just want the life I deserve. And if anyone doesn't appreciate that or respect that, too bad. It is my life to live and my choice to make. I am the master of my own happiness. No one else is responsible for that. This is me going for what I want and for what I demand. If in doing so, that makes me selfish, well then I am selfish and wear that label proudly. Because I am burnt out and tired of being selfless and letting others control my life.

So, as you can see from the above paragraphs, I am very passionate about the things I believe in and I am no longer afraid to say it loudly and proudly. Heck, I will scream it out as loud as needed in order to get people to listen. I am not conceited or self-centered, but I have more self-confidence and a stronger sense of self than I have ever had before. So this is me world. For better or worse, I am throwing myself into the middle of it all and hoping that I get to that place I was always meant to stand. I will get there, or will die trying. And one thing is for certain, I will not sit back and wait worrying or thinking. I am going to simply start doing. I hope all of you out there start to do the same because life is way too short to spend it living for anyone else.

Until next time,
Best regards to all
Mel

Getting down to business

Okay, now that I have introduced myself and I have already revealed my political affiliation, let's talk about a very important issue that is upon us. That issue is voting. It is a very big decision for us to make and it is also very imperative that we make it. Our country is based on the ideal that every person has a voice and that their voice matters. Voting has been an essential and vital process since the beginning of our nation. We, as citizens, should feel compelled to get out and mark our ballots. Why? I hear that from people all the time. Why vote? It is not like my vote is going to make a difference. Politicians are all the same anyway. They lie and cheat and steal. I am not saying they don't or that it is not a valid point to feel helpless in the process. But we have but two choices as far as I can see. We can sit back in silence and do nothing to help incite change and then when it doesn't change or, even worse, it changes to our detriment, then complain about how bad the country really is. It is totally unfair to not take part in the process of choosing our leaders and the ones in the position to make this country better and then complain and bitch and moan when no change you like occurs. If you are serious about making a difference and wanting to see change, you will get off of your butt and get out to the polls. The choice is yours. You can sit back and maintain the status quo and feel that you as an individual don't matter enough to participate or you can take part and have your voice heard and be seen. It is true that you by yourself can't swing the ballot in the favor of the best candidate. It is one vote but don't look at it like that. Look at it like this. You can be part of the team of people who choose the right candidate who does manage to change things for the better. How amazing would that feel if you knew you were a part of something so special and great? To be a part of that process would be amazing. And it will not happen if you don't go out and vote and try to make a difference. After all, if you don't vote, you don't matter. I mean that metaphorically of course because of course you matter but if you don't go to the voting booth and make yourself matter, then you forfeit your right to bitch about anything later. So please don't silence your voice and make it easy to be ignored. Get out and vote for whomever you feel is the best choice to lead and make the best decisions going forward. I love this country and want to see it thrive. And it will prosper with the right leadership. See you all on the other side sometime (hopefully at the polling stations).

An Autobiography Summary

 Hello to all. This being my first blog so we shall see how this goes. I am just going to give you a quick overview of my life story. I am 26, I am from a small town in Indiana and I am virtually the only Democrat in a Republican county. I am definitely an outsider LOL!!! I can describe myself in just five words: stubborn, loyal, opinionated, passionate, honest. I am a writer of all things and I love to entertain in any way, shape or form. I am in the process of getting my first book of poems published and I have lots of dreams left on the table that I will make happen. This is going to be my way of sharing it all with you guys. I hope you can and will find something in my posts that inspire you because the greatest gift we can ever give or receive is inspiration. Life is good, drink it up!!!!! I'll see you on the other side sometime!!!!

Mel