Living for Myself and No One Else

So,  here I am sitting at work...bored and all caught up with my work left alone with nothing but my thoughts. WOW, what a scary place that can be!!! I have always been a heavy thinker and at times, can be described as an over thinker. I tend to think things that no one else seems to think (probably because they aren't slaves to their thoughts the way I am). Whenever I get a thought, it just consumes me until I can no longer focus on any other task. It becomes an obsession to me....as if I have to think this through this very moment or risk going crazy!!! I am aware that thinking too much is a stressor and the last thing I need in my life is more stress. I already tend to hold onto things until I become prisoner to them. I am someone who just doesn't seem to know how to let it go and live in the now. I always want to think of things in the future, and when I say think, I mean worry. I worry too much. I think too much. I make myself miserable at times with how much I overthink and worry. And I need it to stop. I need to stop thinking and start doing. I need to live my life in the now because the now, the here and now, is all I have. There is nothing else. The future is not guaranteed to me and the past is forever gone. I need to stop letting my past sins (which are numerous and, in some cases, pretty egregious) go and stop worrying so much on the future and just live in the moment, and know that the choices I make in the here and now will directley affect my future. So why worry so much about something that I can make for myself by living for myself right now? To not be such a prisoner to my thoughts (although I don't necessarily believe that thought are a bad thing, just too many of them) and to not be such a slave to my worry over the future are the two things I am focusing on changing about myself. I am now self-aware enough of these two big negative aspects of my life that I hope to move beyond them.

The other thing I have decided to no longer allow myself to do is to let others speak for me or, worse than that, silence me. I am very opinionated and very passionate in the things I think and feel. But I have a horrible habit of not wanting to be confrontational in any way. I want to keep the peace, even at the expense of being heard or seen. I become invisible and silent and let others take my place in the spotlight. Now, this may sound selfish as it probably is selfish to think and say this but, I am tired of being ignored and not having my chance to speak up and be the person who has everyone's attention. I want to be heard because my voice matters DAMN IT!!! I need to be seen because I MATTER!! And I am through being silenced and being tossed aside. I have spent my whole life in the background begging, pleading, just hoping that somehow, someway someone would step in and say let her speak, let her stand forward. But no one ever did and part of that is my fault. See, I am now aware that I have to validate myself and make myself be heard. I was playing right into other people's hands by standing back and taking the road of least resistance and placating everyone. I just shut up because they told me to. Well, things have changed. I have my own thoughts, my own ideas, my own opinions and whether others agree or not, my feelings will be taken seriously. I am no longer naive enough to think I can please everyone, nor do I want to. I want to follow my heart and stand strong in my convictions, popularity and conformity be damned. I just want the life I deserve. And if anyone doesn't appreciate that or respect that, too bad. It is my life to live and my choice to make. I am the master of my own happiness. No one else is responsible for that. This is me going for what I want and for what I demand. If in doing so, that makes me selfish, well then I am selfish and wear that label proudly. Because I am burnt out and tired of being selfless and letting others control my life.

So, as you can see from the above paragraphs, I am very passionate about the things I believe in and I am no longer afraid to say it loudly and proudly. Heck, I will scream it out as loud as needed in order to get people to listen. I am not conceited or self-centered, but I have more self-confidence and a stronger sense of self than I have ever had before. So this is me world. For better or worse, I am throwing myself into the middle of it all and hoping that I get to that place I was always meant to stand. I will get there, or will die trying. And one thing is for certain, I will not sit back and wait worrying or thinking. I am going to simply start doing. I hope all of you out there start to do the same because life is way too short to spend it living for anyone else.

Until next time,
Best regards to all
Mel