I have been sitting around thinking.......yeah I know I was supposed to stop doing so much of that. But, before you get on me too much and start reaming me out for lasting a whole 36 hours in my new stop thinking and start doing approach, hear me out. I have been thinking on other things that I do too much of, such as thinking and worrying. Those are two of my vices for sure. But I have many others and I need to bring those to light as well so that I can work on doing those less while I continue to learn how to stop thinking excessively and worrying so needlessly to the point my stress level goes through the roof.
Okay, now to my other vices. The things that I really need to focus on and try, TRY to change or at least modify. One of the biggest ones for me is dessert. I am a cookie junkie, yes I admit it. I am addicted to cookies. If you put a cookie in front of me, I will NOT be able to control myself. As my sister can attest to, I am the real life, breathing cookie monster minus the blue fur and the excessive rambling (although on occasion, I do ramble and sound like the cookie monster.) My sister and brother-in-law recently moved in with us and, I love my sister to death, but please please please STOP BAKING COOKIES SIS!!! I mean she is not helping curb my addiction. I am perfectly okay and can live without cookies and don't get tempted at all, when I don't smell them and see them up close and personal. But anytime I smell her baking some cookies, I run upstairs and just wait for that oven timer to go off, all but shouting "Gimme Gimme a cookie". I swear I should just paint myself blue and become the official cookie monster because when there are cookies around, I can't resist. I have no will power. I have packed on 8 lbs. since my sister moved in two months ago and that is because she is constantly baking cookies. And yes, if you are thinking that I am blaming this all on my sister, you would be totally right. Sorry sis, but its YOUR fault since you know I can't help myself. I mean is it my fault I am addicted to cookies? And yet, living with a cookie addict does not make you stop baking them. I am an addict and she is my enabler. Its just a fact. And let me tell you that the madness does not stop with cookies. Nope, my sister, the resident Betty Crocker also bakes pies. Yep, pies. If I am an absolute hard core cookie addict, than I am a pie junkie. I can't stop eating pie. It is my weakness for sure. In fact, when I die, just carve this on my head stone. Here she lies, the girl who LOVED pies. I am that sick. I need pie like most people need oxygen. Thanksgiving is approaching and it scares me because there is so much pie around during all those dinners I go to ( I don't think I mentioned yet that I am Amish and have like 800 cousins on each side and so the family get togethers are rather large) and I just love pie. Apple, cherry, peach, pumpkin..........or my personal favorite mincemeat. It doesn't matter. I love them all. Pie is just...............ecstasy. If you want to get to me to that place, you know the one I mean, give me some pie. Pie is like sex for me........... I am not joking either. I literally go weak for a slice of pie. And I just admitted to it so there is step one. Step two is actually having the strength to not eat pie when and if it is in front of me. I don't know how to do that. I need some serious intervention on this. Is there a pie anonymous out there anywhere? I need the number stat. Oh and I need for you sis, to stop baking that awesome pumpkin pie.
But its not only cookies or pies that make me weak. I love sugar. I crave it every day. I eat too much of it. Whether its the cookies or the pies or that bag of peanut M&Ms I get at work, I am always eating junk food loaded with sugar. And it makes me so mad because I lost 80 pounds and I got there by not eating that stuff. I had the will power for months, and now its all gone seemingly. I have to get that back. I have to tap into that place deep inside me that makes me NOT crave it, or if I do crave it, have the strength to not eat it. I have done it before and I can do it again. And I really am only joking about my sister being to blame. Its my fault. She has every right to bake that stuff and I hope she does honestly because what better way to test my will power and my strength than by having it around me and tempting me. If I can have it around me and can see it and smell it, but not partake in any of it, than I have succeeded. I want and need to succeed in this goal. I just do. So I need to stop being the cookie monster and that pie junkie who is longing for a sugar high constantly. I need to just stop. I will let you know how that goes for me.
But sugar and dessert is not my only vice. I wish it was but I have some more that are far more dangerous to my health than sugar, which sugar is bad for me but not as bad as some of my vices. I love booze, like I love it!!! I love drinking alcohol. I really do. I don't drink all the time, but when I do, I drink way too much. I am pretty sure I am the definition of a binge drinker. I prefer to drink at least one beer a day but the problem with that is I can't stop at just one. Drinking alcohol to me is like freaking potato chips: I can't have just one. I don't think I am addicted to alcohol though because I did not drink any at all for a long time. I stopped drinking entirely when I was trying to lose weight and I had a hard time with that. I missed drinking. So occasionally, I would still succumb to that desire with very bad results. I drink and drink and drink. I know my limit, but I choose to keep drinking anyway. And I spend far too much of the money I don't have on booze. Take last night for example. I went out with some friends who I had not seen in a while to catch up and we went to a restaurant and I ordered a beer to eat with my food. Well, before my food even arrived, I had that one drank and half of another. And since I have lost weight, I can't drink near as much before exceeding my limit. I used to be able to drink about a case of beer on my own. I could drink anyone under the table and I was proud of that. Now, I can barely handle two. But I had two last night, and then two became three. And I was out of it. I stopped thank goodness since I was driving and we sat and talked forever but I still didn't like the fact that I spent so much money on such a needless thing. Now, I am not saying that alcohol is bad or that you are a bad person for drinking because I don't believe that and I am not saying that. However, I feel if you spend too much time and money on it, it can become a problem that just adds to your stress level. I don't make enough money to keep spending it on alcohol. Especially considering I have places I want to go and dreams I want to achieve.
The other problem I have whenever I drink are the choices I make. I don't make good ones at all. Surprise right? Alchohol inhibits your ablity to make good choices. Well, in my case, its not just me making bad choices, its multiple bad choices that are dangerous to my health. Namely, whenever I drink, I smoke. I hate smoking. I detest the smell of it. I detest the taste of it. I detest the way it makes you smell and the way it stains your teeth when you light up a cigarette. I hate the way it blackens your lungs. But when I drink, I smoke. I can see myself doing it and I cringe but yet I still take one out of the pack and light it up and inhale. I want to smack myself when I do this but I just keep smoking instead. And the other thing I do when I drink that is bad is that I get really bulletproof. I don't just mean hahaha get up and dance on the table, funny, lighthearted kind of stuff. I mean real serious, dangerous stuff. Like jumping off of porches or almost getting in fights with other people because they looked at me and I took it offensively. I will do anything when I get inebriated and I won't listen to the voice in my head that says what I am doing is wrong. I hear it and ignore it. I like the feeling of losing all control and not being so predictable and safe. I want to be bad and dangerous and so I am. I do harmful, potentially self-destructive things when I drink too much. So, needless to say, I am not an alcoholic in that I have to drink or that it is all I think about. But I am definitely a binge drinker and I have the capacity to drink lots and the potential to do harmful and unhealthy things when I do. So I am really trying not to let that control my life too much.
So there it is. There are my vices I am going to try hard to not do anymore, or at least modify it so that I don't eat too many cookies or drink too much alcohol. I know I can focus enough and that I have enough will power to not give in to temptation, but I just have to find it. I seem to have misplaced it somewhere. I will get it back and I will stop being the living, breathing cookie monster. And I forgive my sister for baking so much. She can continue to be Betty Crocker and I will be a good sister and keep away from the kitchen.
Well this has been a revealing blog hasn't it? I seem to have said a lot, maybe too much? Anyway, I will be back later to blog some more.
Until next time,
Best regards and don't eat too many cookies (believe me I know how hard that is to do)
Mel
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