A Sneak Peak Special

Hello ya'll, its me again!!! I am coming back down after being high (on sugar so don't give me that look) all weekend. I have had an endless supply of sugar in various forms this weekend, be it cupcakes, cake, ice cream or pie. I know I just admitted to being a sugar addict and well...........this weekend did NOT help me on that front. So I had to make up for all that sugar eating with a whole lotta walking on the treadmill. I mean, a whole fucking lot of walking. I walked on the treadmill, well lightly jogged, at a ten incline for 60 minutes. Talk about a work out!!! But after my doctor visit on Friday, when I weighed in at 182 fucking pounds, I knew I had to start burning more calories off and work out harder. I had been slacking for about a month and a half and I knew it was causing me to gain some weight again, but 182 pounds is UNACCEPTABLE!! I did not work as hard as I did this past year and a half just to put it all back on, or even some of it. So no more taking it easy or slacking. I have got to get back to being an exercise junkie instead of a cake, pie, cookie, cupcake, fried food junkie like I have been for the past few weeks. I have to get back on track.

But enough about the negative. Lets talk about the positive. I am very excited to say that on the prospect of being published, I now have one more week of waiting on the second company to get back to me and then I will be able to proceed by deciding which company I go with. I can then arrange my finances to pay for the services and by mid to late spring next year, SHAZAM!! I will be a fucking published poet (sorry about using the f word so much as it is yet another of my vices). I am just so excited, or as my friends would call it, sexcited at the idea of having my poetry out there for public viewing. It is both exciting and a little scary. I will be honest by admitting it is a scary thought to have my words out there for praise and ridicule alike. I know not everyone will like my poetry as that is the nature of the world, but I really hope that more people like it or at least find something positive with it than don't. If I can make one person a little happier or a bit more inspired by my words, or I can give them some light or hope, then I can safely say this book of mine will be a successful endeavor. So, here is to hoping.

Now, I would like to share of my poems with you today. I feel that if I put my words out there for you guys to see, almost like a preview, it will make you more inclined to go buy my book (not that I am putting any type of pressure on any of you). But for your viewing pleasure (or I hope it will be a pleasure anyway), here are a few of my poems from my vast and varied collection.

Eternal Victim

lonely shadows in my heart
filled with anger and pain
there is no light left inside of me
only sadness and misery remain
what have I done to deserve this 
I wonder to myself
the way you scream
and always hit me and yell
at me for whatever is wrong 
in your life
I am the victim
yet I am the one left holding the knife
I can't comprehend  how it happened
but you got to me
now I have no confidence
only self-loathing and misery
I feel myself drowning 
and floating away
If only there were something 
I could do or say
but you are in control
and that I know is true
no matter what I try 
I can never break free of you

 GONE TOO SOON

just like a page that has been ripped from a book
or a shooting star that disappears after a single look
you were here with me for such a short time
how can I go on without you by my side
I thought I would have you longer than I did
but death is incomprehensible to a little kid
I yearn for the healing touch only my daddy can bring me
and now all I have left to cling to is your memory
the life you lived was so full and happy
but too short for any of us to love you completely
you are in Heaven, this I know
I am still here longing to be with you so
but until God sees fit to reunite us one day
I will keep you in my heart with all that I do and say

POINT OF GRACE

Millions of people starving all over
Craving for food, love and most of all hope
How can we keep turning our backs
To those people at the ends of their rope
Children dying of disease and famine every day
Not just in the villages of Sudan and Chad
But even in the houses on Broadway
How is gotten so unbelievably bad
The poor and underprivileged without a place to live
And yet we pass by on our way to work
Failing to notice or ignoring the urge to give
We keep chasing after more money and clinging to what we already have
Explain to me how we have let it come to this
And let the human condition deteriorate
Can we continue to look at ourselves in the mirror
And not try to turn over our fate
Some people say what is the use in trying
Its useless and pointless to expect change
Call me crazy, naive, or stupid but there is no denying
That I myself will stop nothing short of progress
For my dream is a vision of a future without fear
And my hope is for peace to find a place
Inside of every human being's heart everywhere
And let us all find that point of grace
We can get there if we are all willing to fight
Let us leave this world a better place than how we found it
You and I have the ability to make all of the wrongs right
We must come together now to make this dream a reality


DRUNK OFF OF YOU


soft skin
like a pillow on my chest
a mess of hair
fills up the bed like a bird's nest
the beauty of your soul
the warmth of your smile
I embrace you 
for a little while
you are my wine
my intoxicated spirit
is addicted to all of you
I can't believe you are all mine
all of you
together with me
is everything I will ever need
you are my dream come true
my addiction is growing every hour
the love I feel 
is gaining power
how can someone so perfect and pure
be happy with me
just an ordinary girl
trying to be all that you deserve
my wine is sweet 
its of the best quality
and it feels me all the way to the top
I drink it up everyday cause I love it so much
and I can never stop
drinking from your bottle
that feels warm to the touch



NOTHING

if there were a way 
to make it all disappear
I would find a way to leave
but, alas, I can't stop
this speeding train
from imminent derailment
And I can't start to believe
In all those things
others speak of
hope, faith, unconditional love
If I could control this life
I would do just that
and would rise above
all this fucking bullshit
that doesn't even fucking matter
Or mean a damn thing to me
it is all for nothing
just being wasted
so why can't I just be me? 


PHONY

there is a darkness
in my soul
that I can not define
buried beneath 
all of the smiles
is a sadness so divine
it makes me weep when I am alone
and have only the walls 
to hear me cry
outside of those walls
I put up a front
and keep living a lie


I KNOW I SHOULDN'T


I know I shouldn't love you
but I can't help this feeling I have inside
I know I shouldn't long for you
but I am having difficulty trying to hide
I know I shouldn't reach out for your hand
but I just can't help it
I hope you understand
I know I shouldn't call you on the phone
But I want to talk to you
always whenever I am all alone
I know I shouldn't 
think about you so much
but I just need you close to me
to feel your touch
I know I shouldn't want you and should turn away
But I cannot give up
the unbelievable love you sent my way
I know I shouldn't dream about you and your gorgeous face
but you are there in my dreams each and every night
I know I shouldn't want you as much as I do
but I can't control myself to turn away from Mr. Right

Okay, guys. There you have it. A sample of some of the poems you will be seeing in my book, when and if (crossing every last finger, toe, arm, leg, and whatever else I can) it is published. The subject matter is varied and versatile, which is the way my life has been as well. I sincerely hope you felt something reading those and that you took something away from those words. I have taken something away from them myself. Every time I write a poem, it is a release for me. It takes away some of the anger or the hurt or the pain or it helps me convey my happiness in that moment. I love writing poetry because it is so cathartic for me. I would have given in to the madness long ago if not for this outlet. So, I hope you enjoyed the reading and just know, there is plenty more where that came from ........literally.

Thanks for stopping by. And until next time, best regards.
See you on the other side some time.
Mel