Feelings Matter

 Hello everyone! I hope this finds you well. I know right now , in the current state of the world, it’s hard to find wellness , be it physical or mental or emotional or spiritual, but I hope today is treating you well and remember, even in the darkest days of humanity; there is always light! 

I felt compelled to write another blog entry today based on something I learned in therapy awhile ago about myself . And that’s how to recognize my feelings in order to then acknowledge those feelings so I can ultimately face them, whatever they happen to be. Feelings are what this life we are living is all about. Feelings by themselves aren’t good or bad. They just are. They evolve inside of us until they release or revels themselves to us. Sometimes they bring us negative light and energy , sometimes they bring us positive light and energy. What matters is we come to these feelings openly and honestly and with no blinders on because what determines our behavior is how we react to the feelings we feel. The behavior we exhibit is what is good or bad. That is what matters and what we have to focus on evolving , and where we must grow. So here’s the process of enlightenment on that way to growth according to me and my experience. I hope this can help you on your journey through this human experience we call life. 

I feel something, I can’t even describe what that something is , but I feel it stirring inside of me. It’s still not enough to make my conscious self aware and awaken, but it’s somewhere beyond buried in my subconscious. So I let it churn and stir and simmer until it’s ready to reveal itself to me. In due time, it will. I simply allow myself to acknowledge this stirring of the consciousness, accept it is happening and trust that when it’s ready , I’ll know what it means. I don’t deny this stirring or run away from it in fear of what it might mean. I don’t overthink or overanalyze this stirring either. It is what is and will become what it is supposed to be when it is ready. I also don’t let it drive me crazy. Because that’s where overthinking and over analysis gets you.

It leads to obsession, which leads to stress, which leads to depression. So I don’t allow it to have that kind of power. I dictate the terms of how I let it effect me, even when it’s churning uncontrollably inside of me. The way I describe this process is “let it go and let flow”. Let whatever needs to happen transpire. Control what you can control (your reaction and your behavior). And just let that simmer become a boil and see what it cooks up! Usually it’s positive and brings me some newfound sense of joy and peace. Sometimes it isn’t . But it always brings me enlightenment and growth! Always. And that is what this human experience called life is all about. It’s why we are here. To find out purpose and to give meaning to our existence, and the way to do that is to become the best versions of ourselves. We do that through growth. And we have to allow ourselves to become enlightened . Sometimes that takes a long time. We can’t fully grasp the lesson for weeks, months, sometimes even years. But that feeling stirring inside of you is enlightenment waiting to explode . It will always reveal itself on its timeline. So sit back, let it go and let it flow. Trust in the process of enlightenment and soul enrichment. You won’t regret the wisdom and knowledge it will bring you. The self awareness you’ll possess will become so profound, you won’t be able to deceive yourself and the doors this will unlock to you will be untold , as will the riches on the other side of those doors. Feelings are feelings. You will feel them no matter what. The more you try to deny them, or run from them , the more they control you. Feelings are fine. Feel them. Whatever they may be. Don’t allow your behavior to be controlled by your feelings. Facts are this: feelings don’t care what you think or want . They are their own entity. They exist on their own. Give them time to flow inside of you and then allow them to simmer until they explode out of you. This is enlightenment. And this is how you find yourself onto the path to inner peace and authentic joy. 

I hope this finds you inspiration and courage along the path you are on. I believe in you. Stay strong and carry on. 

Until next time, 

This is the world according to me 

Mel 

In the darkest day, there’s always light: my approach to battling the monster that is depression

 Hello guys: long time , no blog! It’s been way too long since I wrote one of these and I’m doing it now because Someone recently asked me how I got through my most recent bout of depression and it got me thinking about how I could explain it to someone else and it made me realize I need to write this down in print to share it in hopes that so many of my fellow sufferers of this dreaded disease known as depression can find some inspiration and wisdom, and perhaps even courage, in their own daily battle. 

The first thing I’ll say is this: it took me years of struggle, turbulence, turmoil and therapy to finally figure out the approach that works for me. And that approach is to not allow the darkness to overwhelm me by trying to suffer in silence or spend my time denying it is there. And this is where so many  fellow sufferers struggle. It isn’t a character flaw . It is how this disease works and why it’s so successful. The voices in your head from that monster try to trick you into pretending it’s all okay, to battle in silence and loneliness and it tells you you are weak. I learned how to not give in to those lies by being vulnerable enough to admit out loud “I’m not okay”, “I’m struggling and losing the battle” and “I hurt”. It’s hard to allow yourself to feel so vulnerable because the monster wants you to think being vulnerable means weakness and weakness means you’re unworthy and have no value because weak people have no value. But it’s absolutely perfectly okay to not be okay and to hurt. It’s even more okay to say it out loud. This isn’t weakness at all. It’s a sign that you’re stronger than you know. And it’s amazing to finally gain self awareness to know this. I know this approach won’t work for lots of you also struggling. I don’t advocate doing this thinking it will automatically work. I tried all sorts of different approaches and lots of them failed. I ended up feeling worse. So don’t think this is a magic cure for all, firstly because not one size fits all for depression and secondly, because there is no cure for this disease to be honest. You will always bear this burden. You will always carry this beast inside of you. It’s as much a part of you as the blood flowing your veins. Accept it. And then Embrace it. Acknowledging it and admitting it out loud makes you more powerful over the darkness that wants you to stay silent because silence is its strength. Silence is what kills you. Silence and denial is what makes you smile on the outside but cry on the inside. Silence hides your vulnerabilities. Accepting your flaws and embracing them allows you to love yourself unconditionally. And that is the greatest weapon any of us can own in this war that is endlessly and ferociously being waged against our minds, souls, and spirits. The monster inside wants to take all of your self worth, your self confidence , your self love and your self esteem away and replace it with self loathing and self hate. It wants you to believe your flaws are unforgivable and uncommon to make you feel like an unlovable outcast unworthy of anything good in life. I’ve been there. I still hear those voices guys. That never goes away. Sometimes I want to give in to those voices and just say it’s too hard to keep going. But it gets better. In the darkest day, there is always light. Always. Light and love always prevails. Even when you hate yourself, even when you say I can’t , love and light endures. And you just have to believe that. Easier said than done I know. I had to learn how to believe it. And I’ll believe it for the both of us when you aren’t strong enough to believe it yourself. I’ll love you when you hate yourself and can’t look at yourself in the mirror. I’ll support you and stand by you, even when you can’t find the energy to get out of bed. At the end of the day, in this lifetime, all we have is this shared human experience and our shared human connection. We may not always be on the same road but we are all traveling on the dame journey. Never forget you’re not unworthy. You’re not unloved. You’re not weak.

You’re human. You’re beautiful. And together, we may struggle and lose the battle  but we can win the war. 

And the last thing I’ll say is to know your weaknesses. For me, it’s alcohol. I can’t drink when I’m feeling depressed. I know it’ll lead me to one path: and that it will involve nothing but self destruction, self sabotage and lots and lots of pain, not just my own but other peoples. I used to be very good at self destructive sabotage. It was my specialty. And I learned how to overcome that behavior, unless I drink and lose my inhibitions. Drinking is like poison for me. And I know this. I am aware how destructive it is to partake in that activity so I don’t. Even when I crave it badly , like I did last time I was in a bout of depression. And it was bad this last round. I didn’t want to get out bed because simply existing hurt too much. I felt empty and full of hurt all at the same time. And I just wanted to drink it all away. I just laid in bed, allowed myself to feel like utter, miserable shit and said out loud I wasn’t okay to everyone so they could keep an eye on me. They could help police my behavior and keep me from doing something reckless, which is all you want to do when you feel the way I did at that time. When you’re in the darkness, you can’t fathom there is light anywhere. Even though I knew it was there, it’s hard to keep that knowledge when you just want to sleep forever because you’re so exhausted emotionally and spiritually. And you’re fed up with being fed up. This battle is perpetual guys and gals. You know this. You understand it. Like I said above, all we have in this life is each other and in the end, the only thing we can truly lean on is each other. We can get through it. I know we can. I believe in me. I believe in you. I believe in us. 

So there it is. That is my advice on how to work through the inevitable bout of depression that will come our way. It’s our truth.

It’s our way of life. And it’s our journey we have to navigate, through all the pain, all the darkness and the endless agony we face. But in the darkest day, there is always light. I promise you this. Hold on. Hang in there. Be well. And don’t be afraid to take a break from everything to recharge, reboot, recalibrate and rejuvenate. Your individual mental health and emotional well being , as well as your spiritual and physical health, is the most important issue there is isn’t it? 

Keep the faith. 

Love yourself. 

Stay strong and beautiful. 

Be well. Do well. 

Mel