Overcoming My Own Limitations

So here I am once again guys? Did you miss me and my longwinded, wordy ramblings? Of course you did. How could you not? Considering I am the most fascinating blogger in the history of mankind. Yeah, I got a little carried away there. Sorry. I am just feeling on top of the world in this moment because you see, I have done something that I never thought I would do. I always kept putting off saying I'd do it later and then when later came and went, I would be like what's the point anyway. It's not like I can do it. And so I wouldn't. Then I would feel bad because of how much I wanted to but didn't have the guts or the motivation to truly put forth the effort it required. What am I talking about? I'm talking about writing a play. I never thought I would see me finish one. I used to tell myself that I would love to write one and I would love to see characters I wrote up on stage one day but deep down I never believed in myself. I never truly thought I could do it. I said the words but words are empty if you think about it. What do words really mean? It's the action that matters and my action was to do NOTHING. I used to dream and hope and wish but I never just did. But about eleven weeks ago, I sat down and started writing. Well, I take that back. More specifically, that's when the fire in my belly totally engulfed me and overtook me. I had to write down this story that these characters were telling and showing to me. I was simply the messenger. And I sat and wrote. And now, a little over eleven weeks later, here I sit with the knowledge that I have written a full length play. I have done it. Me. I overcame my own doubt and fear to do something I thought I never could do. Never and can't. Two horrible words. Words that hold you back and keep you from all these wonderful and amazing things. I kept saying to myself I would love write a play but I can't. I'll never be able to finish this is what I always would say if I did happen to start off on a play. But I climbed over all the negative obstacles and the darkness to stand on top of the moutain in the bright sunlight basking in the joy of doing something I didn't think I could do. My confidence and strength has reached an all time high as I am walking in the clouds. I now know and believe that I can. I can do anything. If I am determined enough to see a goal through the end, I can. I will. I no longer set limits on myself by saying I can't or never. I wrote a play and no matter how awful or good it may turn out being, the point is I did it. I didn't stop and I just kept climbing to the top no matter what. And that sense of accomplishment is worth more than all the money in the world. I'm grateful for the challenge writing this play brought me and how it made me change myself and the way I did things in my life. I no longer look at limitations and think it can't be done. I look at them and think what can I do to make it happen. I don't just walk away. I didn't stop whenever I first started writing because it sucked. I don't know if it sucked or not. I just kept writing until it felt completed. Then I went back and polished it up. And now, I know it isn't perfect but it's my baby. And it's such a thrill to have done something so awesome. I can't wait to write another one.

Until next time
Keep the faith
Mel

The C-Word

Hey everybody. I know it's been awhile since I last updated this blog. It's getting to be very hard to update this with all of the other happenings in my life but I am re-committing myself to the effort. I have been doing lots of re-analyzing and re-prioritizing my life this past week and I will tell you why. I went to the doctor on Monday for my yearly exam (YAY, so much fun I can't even describe it.) which I had been delaying and putting off for three months. I knew I had to go because it is very important and vital as a woman to get that check-up, especially when you have the family history I do. (My  mom had uterine cancer that spread to her kidney and caused her to have said kidney removed which is bad enough by itself and then consider that she also has diabetes and well, yeah, that is another topic completely that I will save for another day.) So I am very aware of how much these check-ups matter to me personally. And I also do regular self-exams the way we are supposed to but I admit, I am not doing them every month. I slack at that. I get busy and I don't have time and insert said excuse here. Because no matter why I didn't do a self-exam every month, the fact remains whatever the reason, it is an excuse and there is no excuse for not doing it. And I bring all this up to tell you guys this. When we get to the portion of the exam where the doctor checks my breasts, he felt something odd. He had me feel it too and it was a feeling of absolute dread and it made me so sick to my stomach because whatever it was in there, it was not supposed to be there. My doctor tried his best to reassure me that it was not anything to be overly concerned with but he added that that was easy for him to say considering he didn't have to go home and deal with having this in his body. I give him major props for saying that to me because that is the truth. It is easy to tell someone else not to worry when it's not your body. So he made me feel better about it but I still left the office with this huge knot in my stomach and found myself unable to breathe all the way. I was so nervous and slightly afraid. I admit that if this had happened before October, I would have done nothing but obsessed over the spot in my right breast. I would have made myself sick over it. So, considering how I would used to have reacted, I am really proud of the way I handled the news this time. I didn't really allow myself to think too much about it because I know myself too fucking well. I knew I would jump to the worst case scenario and believe the worst. I would lose all faith in the face of adversity and I would give up. I knew if I let the fear and doubt overtake me, I would shatter. So I refused to give in to that negativity and instead chose to remain positive, upbeat and optimistic.Those three words right there are words that before last year, I would never have even thought of being. But I was strong and I didn't allow myself to give into the darkness. Then I went to get my mammogram only to be told I needed an ultrasound, which worried me until they explained the reason. They didn't want to expose me to the radiation that mammograms give off since I am so young if they didn't need to and since ultrasounds are way more accurate in diagnosing these types of things, they wanted to do that instead. I was like okay, sure. Way less painful since I have had an ultrasound before and have not ever had the distinct (dis)pleasure of having a mammogram, but I have heard some stories about how (not)wonderul they are. So I was okay and still being strong and optimistic. Then the ultrasound guy started making me extremely scared with his questions. I was like uh oh, what the hell does he see on this picture? So I glanced up and I saw for myself what was inside of me, but I couldn't decipher what the hell it meant. I was just able to see this huge black spot on the screen (and now of course I am going back to panicking and the knot in my stomach grows by about six feet or so). I was really letting the fear and the doubt start to overtake me and win the battle. I got up and got dressed and started to really feel down. But then I shook myself out of it once again and refused to let the darkness creep in. I didn't worry about it too much because I refused to think about it enough to worry. But the knot in my stomach was still there no matter what I did. And I did cry. I admit it. I had that moment of surrendering to that darkness and the fear and I cried for fear of what might be. I was just thinking how far I had come in the past few months and how much I had grown and how ironic it would be if just as I was beginning to be happy and find my place in the world, I get dealt this major blow. And I didn't want to let my mind go there but with my family history of cancer, (my grandmother, my mother and my brother all have been diagnosed with cancer) I couldn't help but go there. But then the optimistic part of me was like okay, even IF it is cancer, all of your relatives have beaten it. None of them have succumbed to it. So you can beat it too, IF it comes to that. It was just amazing to me how optimistic and hopeful and faithful I was throughout the waiting period. I really am a new person who has been transformed because the old me would have done nothing but laid on the couch and bawled and acted as if I had been handed a death sentence simply because there was something not supposed to be there showing up on an ultrasound. I am just astounded at my progress guys. I really don't know what else to say about it. I have grown leaps and bounds from who I used to be and going through this proves it. But I also amazed myself by how little I thought about it. I have said one of my biggest downfalls and weaknesses is that I dwell on things way too much. I become obsessive and incessant about something and it's all I can think about. I over think it. But I didn't with this. I believe that is because I now am self-aware to know my tendencies as a person and can put a focus on that so I can overcome the obstacle. I know how I think and how I operate and because of that, I can get past it if I am determined to which I was and which I am. I know now that nothing life throws at me will break me, if I choose it to be so. I have the choice to give in and give up or I have the choice to keep the faith and stay positive. And it really is all about attitude because even as the wait was pretty nerve racking and kept in the back of my mind, I was able to still smile and laugh and have a good time. I was not sulking or snapping at people or walking around being mad at the world, which would have been what I had done two years ago. I really don't want to brag and I know that I am, but I am just really proud of myself for my reaction to this situation of uncertainty. But even though I didn't think about it too much, in those rare moments when I did, I re-evaluated my life and how I tend to take so much for granted. I tell myself not to but then I wake up and find myself not being grateful for my health. I am healthy. I have been blessed with a really great life and very few health problems and that is kind of shocking considering I have a family history of cancer, diabetes, hypertension and obesity. And yet, I have been so blessed with so far not having any of these issues affect me (well obesity did until I did something about it). And I know that good health is something you should be on your knees thanking God you have every day. But I wasn't on my knees thanking Him daily for that blessing. I was taking it for granted. I was walking through life not taking the time to realize, truly realize, the blessing it is to be able to walk and talk and move freely, to be without pain or be without disease. I was just taking it all for granted. But then this scare came along and it smacked the fuck out of me and forced me to get back to reality. The reality of how lucky and fortunate I have been to live twenty seven years on this earth with the most major health crisis I ever had to face was a fractured kneecap and torn meniscus (which although really painful, was not that bad). I have been more than fortunate to have such good health considering I have neglected my body and my health for years. In the past few years, I have become aware and conscious of my body and have began to make good choices regarding it but that it has held out so long in spite of my poor maintenance of it screams at me that I have been so blessed. And for the whole four days I had to spend contemplating in the back of my mind if I was going to get told the c-word or not the next time I saw my doctor, I realized that I have taken my health for granted. I have been so busy doing other things, that I blew my own personal health care off. And I won't do that again. I won't allow my other interests to keep me from doing monthly checks on my breasts. I won't allow all my other projects to interfere with spending time with those people in this world that matter to me the most. I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends and an amazing family, all of whom I love and adore more than anything else. I won't forget that ever again either. I will make more of an effort to keep in touch and talk to all of them more often than I have. Life is too precious to not spend it with those you cherish, especially so you can work. Family, friends, health are what mattters. Everything else is secondary even me making my dreams a reality because if I neglect my health, how can I possibly chase down all of my dreams? And if I neglect those closest to me, when I finally get to that place where my dreams have been realized, I will have no one to share it with and what would be the fucking point? I don't want to have all of my dreams I have to come true at the expense of my health or of my relationships. And so I am re-committing myself to maintaining my health and my relationships so that I don't screw those up beyond repair. I don't want to be left all alone standing on top of the world with nothing around me but my success. As happy as I will be to achieve my dreams, happiness is not real unless it's shared. And I want to share it with my friends and family that God has blessed me with. And I want to share it with them while in good health that God has blessed me with, even though I deserve far less than what He has given me. I am forever grateful for the things I have. And never will I take them for granted again. I remember when I got the phone call telling me everything was fine and that the pictures showed no malignancies or abnormalities. It was the first time I could breathe, truly breathe, for days. The knot finally went away in my stomach and I felt so relieved. I felt so humbled as well. Because the thought of having cancer made me appreciate me not having cancer so much. I don't want to be like the song and not know what I have until it's gone. I don't want to realize how healthy I was until after I come down with a disease. I want to realize that now and I do. Thanks to God for smacking me across the face with this fact by putting a benign cyst in my right breast, I can now say I appreciate more than ever all the great things I have in my life. And I appreciate how precious and fleeting life truly is as well. I know we only get so much time on this earth and I am committed and focused to making each second I get lucky enough to have worth it.

Until next time
Keep the faith and stay positive
Mel

The power of choices

First things first. I guess it must be officiallly spring time since the time has come for us to "spring forward". We are now on Daylight Savings Time which means more daylight. YAY!!! For someone who loves to be outdoors and loves nice spring weather, I am thoroughly excited. I am through with winter weather. I like snow as much as the next person but I can only take it in small increments and after Christmas, I find it hard to tolerate cold weather. But I can complain all I want right because the weather will do what it wants. The rain or snow falls where it wants to. I just have to deal with it. And considering all turmoil and devastation going on in other parts of the world, a little bit of snow is pretty insignificant. And besides, even if I moved to a warmer weather state like Florida, I would have to deal with other issues I would find hard to take. I guess you will find negative things and minor annoyances wherever you end up. You just have to find a way to shut up and deal. So I will shut up and deal.

Let me move on to something else I really want to talk about. I want to talk about choices and how our choices affect everything about our lives. Our happiness or our misery, our success or our failure, and our good times or our bad times are all directly correlated to the choices we make. I have come to believe that our choices are the biggest factor in what our lives turn out to be. For example, if I wake up in the morning and I look at myself in the mirror telling myself today is going to be a good day, then it will be. Conversely, if I look in the mirror and tell myself today is going to suck because I am tired and sick and I have all this shit to do and blah blah blah, then it's going to suck. It's all a matter of perspective and our outlook that matters. I can choose what type of day I am going to have by my attitude. My choosing how to deal with things is my responsibility and mine alone. No one else can determine if my day is going to be a good one or not. Even if something bad happens or adversity strikes you, if you have the outlook that today is going to be a good day, then even those bad moments won't keep you down for long. It may knock you down for a moment but you rise above it and say oh well. I totally believe that life is exactly what you make it out to be. If you want it to be a miserable and rough ride, then it will be. If you want it to be a happy and content ride, then it will be. The choice is yours and yours alone. It is time we all realized that and took ownership of our lives. If we are walking along aimlessly and without direction or a sense of meaning and are just hoping on someone to come along and help us out or we are waiting for fate to intervene and save us from our misery, we will be waiting a while. I do believe in fate but I believe it only takes us so far. We have to make a conscious choice to go the rest of the way. We have to rescue ourselves from the darkness and step out into the light. Nobody else is going to come along and push you into the light and save you. That is totally up to you. You can spend the rest of your life living in misery and wallowing in self-pity, playing the poor and helpless victim. You can keep making excuses as to why your life isn't the way you want it but the inevitable truth is that the only reason your life is not the best it can be and why it is not full of happiness and joy is because you chose the path of misery and mediocrity. You settled for less than you deserve and less than you want by letting your fear overtake you. You chose that and it's all your fault. If you don't like your life and the way it is going, do something to change it or shut up about it. I know this from first hand experience. Life is what you make it and it will not change. You have to change. You have to change your perspective, your outlook and your attitude or nothing will ever change. You have to make it happen for yourself because no one else will and it is up to you to find happiness and success. You are the master of your own happiness. And your choices are the key to that. Every day you wake up and make choices. Whether you even consciously are aware of it or not, your life is full of choices and it is your choice whether you want to be happy or not. So as I sign off for today I am going to pose this question to you and to myself also: is today going to be a good day or is today going to be a bad day? That is something that YOU and only YOU can decide.

Until next time
Keep it real
Mel

Step Up To The Call

I am sure you know by now about the earthquake in Japan. It's devastating and it's such a tragedy. Ever since I heard the news about the devastating earthquake in Japan, I have felt such a huge and immense amount of heartbreak and sadness. When I think of the darkness and the struggle that millions of humans are going through right now, I can’t help but start to reflect on my own life. Earlier today, I was outside looking up at the clear blue skies and I realized just how lucky I was in that moment. There are so many people right now whose skies are not blue or clear and are experiencing volatile and turbulent weather. They are struggling to survive. And here I sit in good health, in good spirits and in good weather. It all seems to unfair to me. When bad things like this happen, it shakes me to my core because sometimes my heart just hurts so much for others who are less well off than I am. I find myself praying for these people and asking God to please protect them and help them and send them some type of comfort and hope. And that is because in their time of need and their darkest hour, to have no hope is the worst type of misery.  There are children who are now lost, scared and all alone in this world. There are families separated and devastated by grief and pain. There are millions without homes, without water, without the basic needs to stay alive. They have lost all hope and all courage to cope. They have nothing. And here I sit with clothes on my back, food in my belly, in overall good health and money in my bank account. And yet I find myself complaining about the things I don’t have or the weather and how it is not what I want it to be. What is my problem? What else do I need in this life? I have far more than many others do in the present moment and they would simply love to have a small portion of the good fortune and the good blessings I have been granted. Why do I and we as people take all that we have for granted? Why are we constantly dissatisfied with what we don’t have instead of being grateful for all we do have? It is such a shame that human nature is for us to take everything we have for granted and instead want more and complain about what we don’t have. You and I have it so lucky if we are healthy, well fed, clothed and have a house to go home to at night. And if we have good relationships and friendships with others we can share our thoughts and feelings with, what more could we ever ask for? It is like we are never satisfied with what we have. We want more, more, more and don’t take time to appreciate what we already have. I am not saying we can’t strive for more and to achieve our goals we have set but let’s not lose focus of how blessed we are. I am sitting pretty myself. I have it pretty good compared to many of my fellow citizens and I feel so disappointed in myself and so ashamed that it takes a national tragedy like what happened in Japan for me to pause for a minute and reflect and say my life is good. My life is blessed and I have far more than others, far more than I deserve to be honest. I am a very blessed person. I should sit back and realize that and stop complaining and bitching about what I don’t have because what I do have is far more than many do. Yes others may have more than me but who cares? I have what I need and I am not in despair. And hopefully I can remember all this for longer than a minute until the next awful and horrendous tragedy happens. I sincerely pray for all those affected by this tragedy and wish nothing but peace, comfort and hope for all of the victims and their families. When I think about the children who are suffering all alone and scared, it breaks my heart. I can hardly take the devastation of knowing how much they are suffering. And for all the people who are struggling, whether it is in Japan or some other part of the world, I simply pause and bow my head and say a prayer. Dear God, please help the children who are lost, suffering and alone. Help them find some light in this world. Please help them know that they are not alone and that there is hope. Please help the families who are separated, struggling to find each other, or grieving the loss and who have the incredible sense of mourning.  Let them know that they are not forgotten and that there is still hope. Guide them into the light. Please help me to never forget how blessed I am and how undeserving of all that I truly am. Thank you for bestowing me with such incredible health and safety and never let me take it for granted again. And above all else God, please help us all help each other. Let us help our fellow man in times of joy and sorrow and in times of darkness and in times of light. Let us give hope to the hopeless and help to the helpless and never forget that we are all in this together but please don’t let it take tragedies to bring us together. We should be doing everything we can to help no matter whether it’s a tragic situation or not. And let’s not forget that people suffer every day all over the world. And many times, it never reaches the national media with the cameras and the newscasters reporting the atrocity against man. Let us never forget every single person who suffers for a moment on this earth. God help us all. Amen.  We were put on this earth for that purpose. Life is tough but when we all come together, it makes it a little easier to deal. And even if all you give is prayer or good thoughts, remember that anything helps in times of despair. To sit back and do nothing is the only way we fail our fellow brethren. After all, no matter where we live or what nationality we are, at the heart of the matter we all belong to the same race: the human race. So don’t sit there in your easy chair and say yeah it’s a tragedy and a shame but it’s over there and I am over here and there is nothing I can do. No matter what your excuse may be to do nothing, an excuse is all it is. And stop making excuses and start making a change. If we all band together, we can heal the world. In the words of Michael Jackson, we are the world, we are the children, we are the ones to make a brighter day so let's start giving. Let's follow his vision and let's start giving. Let’s come to our fellow brothers’ and sisters’ aide. We can do it. It is our duty as humans. It is our purpose as people. It is our responsibility as citizens. Join with me and join the cause. Please text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate to the Red Cross effort to aide Japan. Every little bit helps.

Until next time

Never forget how blessed how we are as people and how fast it can all be gone.

In honor of everyone who is struggling in this moment with any issue they may have

I am praying for you and I promise you are not alone

Mel