The C-Word

Hey everybody. I know it's been awhile since I last updated this blog. It's getting to be very hard to update this with all of the other happenings in my life but I am re-committing myself to the effort. I have been doing lots of re-analyzing and re-prioritizing my life this past week and I will tell you why. I went to the doctor on Monday for my yearly exam (YAY, so much fun I can't even describe it.) which I had been delaying and putting off for three months. I knew I had to go because it is very important and vital as a woman to get that check-up, especially when you have the family history I do. (My  mom had uterine cancer that spread to her kidney and caused her to have said kidney removed which is bad enough by itself and then consider that she also has diabetes and well, yeah, that is another topic completely that I will save for another day.) So I am very aware of how much these check-ups matter to me personally. And I also do regular self-exams the way we are supposed to but I admit, I am not doing them every month. I slack at that. I get busy and I don't have time and insert said excuse here. Because no matter why I didn't do a self-exam every month, the fact remains whatever the reason, it is an excuse and there is no excuse for not doing it. And I bring all this up to tell you guys this. When we get to the portion of the exam where the doctor checks my breasts, he felt something odd. He had me feel it too and it was a feeling of absolute dread and it made me so sick to my stomach because whatever it was in there, it was not supposed to be there. My doctor tried his best to reassure me that it was not anything to be overly concerned with but he added that that was easy for him to say considering he didn't have to go home and deal with having this in his body. I give him major props for saying that to me because that is the truth. It is easy to tell someone else not to worry when it's not your body. So he made me feel better about it but I still left the office with this huge knot in my stomach and found myself unable to breathe all the way. I was so nervous and slightly afraid. I admit that if this had happened before October, I would have done nothing but obsessed over the spot in my right breast. I would have made myself sick over it. So, considering how I would used to have reacted, I am really proud of the way I handled the news this time. I didn't really allow myself to think too much about it because I know myself too fucking well. I knew I would jump to the worst case scenario and believe the worst. I would lose all faith in the face of adversity and I would give up. I knew if I let the fear and doubt overtake me, I would shatter. So I refused to give in to that negativity and instead chose to remain positive, upbeat and optimistic.Those three words right there are words that before last year, I would never have even thought of being. But I was strong and I didn't allow myself to give into the darkness. Then I went to get my mammogram only to be told I needed an ultrasound, which worried me until they explained the reason. They didn't want to expose me to the radiation that mammograms give off since I am so young if they didn't need to and since ultrasounds are way more accurate in diagnosing these types of things, they wanted to do that instead. I was like okay, sure. Way less painful since I have had an ultrasound before and have not ever had the distinct (dis)pleasure of having a mammogram, but I have heard some stories about how (not)wonderul they are. So I was okay and still being strong and optimistic. Then the ultrasound guy started making me extremely scared with his questions. I was like uh oh, what the hell does he see on this picture? So I glanced up and I saw for myself what was inside of me, but I couldn't decipher what the hell it meant. I was just able to see this huge black spot on the screen (and now of course I am going back to panicking and the knot in my stomach grows by about six feet or so). I was really letting the fear and the doubt start to overtake me and win the battle. I got up and got dressed and started to really feel down. But then I shook myself out of it once again and refused to let the darkness creep in. I didn't worry about it too much because I refused to think about it enough to worry. But the knot in my stomach was still there no matter what I did. And I did cry. I admit it. I had that moment of surrendering to that darkness and the fear and I cried for fear of what might be. I was just thinking how far I had come in the past few months and how much I had grown and how ironic it would be if just as I was beginning to be happy and find my place in the world, I get dealt this major blow. And I didn't want to let my mind go there but with my family history of cancer, (my grandmother, my mother and my brother all have been diagnosed with cancer) I couldn't help but go there. But then the optimistic part of me was like okay, even IF it is cancer, all of your relatives have beaten it. None of them have succumbed to it. So you can beat it too, IF it comes to that. It was just amazing to me how optimistic and hopeful and faithful I was throughout the waiting period. I really am a new person who has been transformed because the old me would have done nothing but laid on the couch and bawled and acted as if I had been handed a death sentence simply because there was something not supposed to be there showing up on an ultrasound. I am just astounded at my progress guys. I really don't know what else to say about it. I have grown leaps and bounds from who I used to be and going through this proves it. But I also amazed myself by how little I thought about it. I have said one of my biggest downfalls and weaknesses is that I dwell on things way too much. I become obsessive and incessant about something and it's all I can think about. I over think it. But I didn't with this. I believe that is because I now am self-aware to know my tendencies as a person and can put a focus on that so I can overcome the obstacle. I know how I think and how I operate and because of that, I can get past it if I am determined to which I was and which I am. I know now that nothing life throws at me will break me, if I choose it to be so. I have the choice to give in and give up or I have the choice to keep the faith and stay positive. And it really is all about attitude because even as the wait was pretty nerve racking and kept in the back of my mind, I was able to still smile and laugh and have a good time. I was not sulking or snapping at people or walking around being mad at the world, which would have been what I had done two years ago. I really don't want to brag and I know that I am, but I am just really proud of myself for my reaction to this situation of uncertainty. But even though I didn't think about it too much, in those rare moments when I did, I re-evaluated my life and how I tend to take so much for granted. I tell myself not to but then I wake up and find myself not being grateful for my health. I am healthy. I have been blessed with a really great life and very few health problems and that is kind of shocking considering I have a family history of cancer, diabetes, hypertension and obesity. And yet, I have been so blessed with so far not having any of these issues affect me (well obesity did until I did something about it). And I know that good health is something you should be on your knees thanking God you have every day. But I wasn't on my knees thanking Him daily for that blessing. I was taking it for granted. I was walking through life not taking the time to realize, truly realize, the blessing it is to be able to walk and talk and move freely, to be without pain or be without disease. I was just taking it all for granted. But then this scare came along and it smacked the fuck out of me and forced me to get back to reality. The reality of how lucky and fortunate I have been to live twenty seven years on this earth with the most major health crisis I ever had to face was a fractured kneecap and torn meniscus (which although really painful, was not that bad). I have been more than fortunate to have such good health considering I have neglected my body and my health for years. In the past few years, I have become aware and conscious of my body and have began to make good choices regarding it but that it has held out so long in spite of my poor maintenance of it screams at me that I have been so blessed. And for the whole four days I had to spend contemplating in the back of my mind if I was going to get told the c-word or not the next time I saw my doctor, I realized that I have taken my health for granted. I have been so busy doing other things, that I blew my own personal health care off. And I won't do that again. I won't allow my other interests to keep me from doing monthly checks on my breasts. I won't allow all my other projects to interfere with spending time with those people in this world that matter to me the most. I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends and an amazing family, all of whom I love and adore more than anything else. I won't forget that ever again either. I will make more of an effort to keep in touch and talk to all of them more often than I have. Life is too precious to not spend it with those you cherish, especially so you can work. Family, friends, health are what mattters. Everything else is secondary even me making my dreams a reality because if I neglect my health, how can I possibly chase down all of my dreams? And if I neglect those closest to me, when I finally get to that place where my dreams have been realized, I will have no one to share it with and what would be the fucking point? I don't want to have all of my dreams I have to come true at the expense of my health or of my relationships. And so I am re-committing myself to maintaining my health and my relationships so that I don't screw those up beyond repair. I don't want to be left all alone standing on top of the world with nothing around me but my success. As happy as I will be to achieve my dreams, happiness is not real unless it's shared. And I want to share it with my friends and family that God has blessed me with. And I want to share it with them while in good health that God has blessed me with, even though I deserve far less than what He has given me. I am forever grateful for the things I have. And never will I take them for granted again. I remember when I got the phone call telling me everything was fine and that the pictures showed no malignancies or abnormalities. It was the first time I could breathe, truly breathe, for days. The knot finally went away in my stomach and I felt so relieved. I felt so humbled as well. Because the thought of having cancer made me appreciate me not having cancer so much. I don't want to be like the song and not know what I have until it's gone. I don't want to realize how healthy I was until after I come down with a disease. I want to realize that now and I do. Thanks to God for smacking me across the face with this fact by putting a benign cyst in my right breast, I can now say I appreciate more than ever all the great things I have in my life. And I appreciate how precious and fleeting life truly is as well. I know we only get so much time on this earth and I am committed and focused to making each second I get lucky enough to have worth it.

Until next time
Keep the faith and stay positive
Mel