Living with Guilt and Regret: The Worst Fate of All

Today I sit here and realize that I haven't divulged something that needs to be divulged in the worst way. It's not that I intentionally don't share it or anything, it's that it isn't easy. It's quite difficult to admit. It's sometimes impossible to face this truth about myself and my life. I never used to believe in regrets. I thought that was just a myth people used to be a victim or gain sympathy or something like that. I never thought anyone could actually feel regret or wish something didn't happen so much that you'd seriously consider selling your soul to the devil and give up anything you ever owned to change one choice you made in your past. And then it happened to me. I made a choice once that at the time was justified and made sense to me. I felt what I felt. I thought what I thought. But hindsight is a bitch in that it's perfect vision. You see things so perfectly clear now that if only you could have seen then, you'd have altered so many things. What am I talking about? I'm talking about my cousin Connie and myself. We were born 10 months apart and grew up less than a mile away from each other. We were always at each other's houses and would spend hours of each day playing, laughing and just being silly girls. We were inseprable. We had such a deep and profound bond that even our closest family members would say how we were more than just cousins, we were like sisters. When she was 15, her parents decided to move and it wasn't even that far away. It was just about 11 miles or so. But it felt like she was going to Siberia or something. Well, she still wanted to go to the same school I did that she was going to and she could as long as she had a ride. Well since I had my license and a car of my own already, I volunteered to get up every morning, pick her up and take her to school .Well that didn't last long because her parents decided to not pay the tuition,which is totally understandable looking back on it now as that kind of thing is extremely expensive, but at the time it felt like the end of the world. So we saw each other less and less but still talked to each other all the time on the phone. Well she then got a job when she turned 16 but had no way of getting there. So once more, I agreed to take her every day. We had such a blast at first as we would blare music and laugh and sing out loud and she taught me this trick to wave at every car we passed and act as if we knew them just to mess with them and be silly!! The expressions of those drivers were priceless and I can still remember her laugh and smile when we would wave like two stark raving mad lunatics at oncoming cars. But in time, we started to become distant. I would get upset at her for not giving me gas money and I told her that I wasn't willing to drive that many miles twice a day and be that nice for free. Well, then she got a boyfriend at her job. And at that point, things got really nasty. I felt abandoned and neglected by her. I felt she was drifting away from me as we talked on the phone less and less and he would come get her and take her to work every day which made me very mad and resentful. I mean I couldn't believe she was tossing me aside for some guy. Even though I told her I wasn't willing to keep driving her every day I still got pissed off that someone else was doing it. And as the months went by, we spoke to each other less and less and saw each other even less than that. At some point, we just stopped. We had no interaction at all. We ceased to exist in each other's lives. I got busy with my life. She got busy with hers. I remember when my mom told me she was graduating high school and wanted me to come along with her that Sunday, I told her no thanks I had better things to do with my time. I found out she was getting married after she got married. Had no invitation or knowledge of her plans to get married before hand. That's how far we had drifted. That's what had become of our incredible bond we had shared for so many years. I saw her once whenever she and her husband were down at my grandmother's house one Saturday and I had to drop something off there for my mom. The awkwardness and discomfort of each of us was palpable. We didn't utter one word to each other. I walked out and left. About six months after this incredibly awkward encounter of ours, I was at my job and received a phone call from my sister. That wasn't anything out of the ordinary as she called me quite often at work. But when I got on the line I was not prepared for what she told me: one of your relatives just committed suicide. I was stunned. What? I barely could find my voice when I asked who? That's when my world was completely shatterd and turned upside down. One word from my sister's mouth was all it took to drop me to my knees in utter disbelief, shock, confusion and pain. "Connie". It didn't even register the first time so I asked her again, and again she said her name "connie". At that point, I lost all my breath in my body. It just went away. I dropped to my knees letting the  phone bounce off the counter. What happened in the next few minutes were all a blur. I ended up going over to her and her husband James' house that night and the worst part about this was that I didn't even know where they lived. I had to get directions to go there that night. I never should have been driving that night cause I don't even know how I got there. I just walking in and seeing her mom sitting on the couch with this look of complete shock on her face. I saw my sister and my mom. And then I saw her husband. I didn't know him I just knew who he was. I went over and hugged him so hard and the tears just started flowing uncontrollably. I couldn't even stop to breathe. It was gutteral in that moment standing there with him in his living room of the house he shared with her. A house I didn't know at all. I walked around and saw she had two dogs. I didn't know that. I saw she had so many pictures and I just wanted to soak it all in. It was my cousin who I grew up with and shared so many things with and yet in that strange house that night she was a stranger to me. I didn't know what to do or what to say so I just walked out into the garage. The place where it happened. The place she decided to end it all. And I just stood there in somber silence closing my eyes and picturing her with pill bottle in hand laying in the back seat while the engine was running and the garage was filling up with carbon monoxide. I wondered what she felt in that moment. Was she in pain? Or was she finally feeling peace? It probably should have freaked me out to be in that room so quickly after it happened but it didn't. It just felt....right. Like that's where I  needed to be in that moment. It seemed like I felt closer to her then than I had in years. Weird right? But so very true. And so we eventually went home and I found not one second of sleep that night. I was haunted by my thoughts, or memories to be more exact. The memories came flooding back to me that night. The good ones we had somehow got overlooked by the bad ones. I kept replaying over and over again the last few conversations we had when we both were so bitter and angry at each other. And I just started to cry. I cried so long and hard that night I didn't think any more tears would come out. I felt carved out inside like I had been completely gutted and had my heart and soul ripped out and stomped on and then put back in and forced to continue to use them. I couldn't sleep. The voice in my head was screaming at me how could you? How could you let this happen? How could you let her down? I knew in my heart that this was my fault. The blame was laid at my feet. I could have changed the outcome. If only I had done something different when I had the chance. Why did I become so distant? Why did I stop caring? When did I turn my back and walk away? I was haunted by my past. I couldn't function. I felt so guilty because I knew things would have been different if I hadn't been so stubborn and foolish. I should've and could've picked up the phone and re connected with her but my pride was too hurt, my heart was too cold, my mind too closed off. I simply refused to do the right thing and make amends while she was here. And now, the cold harsh bitter reality set in. I couldn't change it now. It was done forever. She was gone for all eternity. I couldn't make it right. I couldn't make amends. I couldn't be forgiven. I had to wear this shame as my badge for the rest of my life. The guilt and anger I felt cut me deeper than any knife. I know people tried to tell me that there was nothing that could have changed the outcome because she was set in her ways and wanted to end it all. But I know better. I still feel guilty. I still feel shame because I can't say for sure that me reaching out wouldn't have affected the outcome. I can't say that it wouldn't have mattered. And that uncertainty and that doubt is the worst kind of fate. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. To live in a prison of your memories and knowledge is beyond cruel and unfair but it is my pennance for my sins. I accept this. But I don't forgive myself. I spent many hours and days at her gravesite asking if she could ever forgive me and yet I never got an answer and that's because there isn't one. She can't answer me because she doesn't forgive me. I don't blame her. I don't forgive me either. I doubt I ever will. I have become better at not letting the guilt consume me and I have gotten used to what it feels like to regret something so much you'd change anything about yourself or your life to change it. If I could go back to in time and get a re do, I would do it without hesitation. I'd change the way I did things and the words I said. I would alter it all just to find a way to make it right somehow. I lay awake in bed many sleepless nights and wonder why she did what she did. She never left a note so we are left without a reason and any semblance of closure but then I tell myself would it bring me any more peace or closure to know why it happened and she did what she did? The answer is no. It'd still hurt like hell and make me feel so guilty and shameful. The choices I made regarding our friendship are mine and mine alone. They cannot be erased or overturned or passed on to someone else to be held accountable for. It's all on me. and every day I wake up, I have to live with what I have and what I haven't done. It's not an easy thing to do. I do it because what other choice do I have really. It doesn't mean I forgive or forget. It doesn't mean I have found peace or closure. It just means I have to keep living while she lays dead and buried far too prematurely. I will never get over it though. I will never let it go or let myself off the hook. I don't deserve it. There are times I look at myself in the mirror and shake my head in utter disgust and disbelief at what I've done. I feel like I am partially responsible for what transpired and to know that is so damn hard to take. But again, its my pennance. I have learned that every choice I make, and inaction is as much a choice as any action ever could be, has consequences. Be prepared to face those consequences. Do your best to make the best choices. And really try to fix any fractured relationship you may have with someone. You never know when you'll wait too long and live to regret it.

Thanks for reading.
Until next time
Mel

Why I Still Believe

I hope that this finds all of you with good health and good spirits. I am sitting here right now consumed with many conflicting feelings and thoughts on the recent revelation from Lance Armstrong that he did indeed use PEDs and did dope as he has been accused of for so many years. I, for one, have been adamant about his innocence until being proven guilty and since he has now admitted it with his own lips, I will say that day has arrived. He was guilty. I admit, I am shaken by this because I have considered him to be on e of my greatest inspirations and have such immense fondness for him and looked at his seven Tour de France titles after beating cancer as the ultimate success story. So yes, I am shaken. And I am disappointed. There are no excuses to be found. I am not going to make excuses or try and find justification or anything of the sort. He was dead wrong. Speaking as someone who has steadfastly supported and offered unwavering faith in him and his accomplishments, I sit here disheartened dismayed at the recent admission that all of his success in his sport of cycling is tainted  and so much of what has inspired people has been a lie. I am saddened yes. I am disappointed in his horrific mistakes yes. But I am not turning my back and walking away and cursing his name and shaking my head in utter disgust at ever believing in him or being inspired by him. Like I said above, I have---present tense—an immense fondness and admiration for him, and that is still there as I write this. And this is what I am saying in this particular post. I am still behind Lance. I am still a fan. I guess it just comes down to this for me: I am not the kind of person to just cut and run like that. I understand people being angry and they are justified in that anger. I understand them cursing his name and spitting on his legacy (aside from the whole making fun of him having one testicle thing—more on that later). It’s understandable. But I’m just not that way. I don’t know. Maybe I’m too naïve or too optimistic in the eyes of some. But I simply refuse to throw someone completely under the bus because they’ve made some atrociously awful decisions: playing millions of people for fools, bullying those who tried to bring the truth to light into paying him money (this is the worst offense of his in my opinion) and who went along with the culture of cheating and lying when he could have and should have tried to stop it. I don’t believe for one second that he was the only one to do this unethical and shameful behavior. And there is no way I will be convinced that he was able to get away with what he did by being this Mafioso type individual. It is far too rampant and the sport of cycling far too saturated for it to be only Lance Armstrong who did it. That is why I get his statement that he didn’t start the culture but he did nothing to stop it. Yes he did as did so many others in the sport. It’s obvious to me that the only way this type of cheating could go on for so long and be so extravagant was if there was corruption at the top that trickled down to the athletes. Lance himself says he did it with no fear of being caught. Why? Because he knew he could do it and there was no incentive to not do it if you could do it and get away with it. No, that is not an excuse or a reason. But that is a fact. As he also said, cheating is when you give yourself an advantage over others that don’t have the same advantage. That is technically not true at all in this case. Many other cyclists doped and used PEDs. He was the best at it. In a world full of dopers, he was the best of the bunch. And I also don’t believe that he forced anyone else to take any illegal substance. These are grown adults. If they didn’t want to take them, nobody could force them. Did he maybe encourage it and influence them to do it, yes but there is no way he can be blamed for others choosing to go down the same route. As I said, the culture was everywhere and everyone involved is to be blamed for their own choices to either sit back and silently let it happen or to partake in it. Nobody gets off the hook from me because they blew the whistle or because they were “bullied, harassed, or forced”. I call epic bullshit on that as an excuse. It seems that cycling is very much like baseball. Corruption and greed became more important than winning the right way. Winning at all costs to make the most money was what motivated everyone involved. And they all must face the consequences of their actions, of their poor choices and of their lies. But I also believe in redemption. I believe that anyone can overcome mistakes from their past. I don’t believe, I absolutely refuse to believe, that we are defined by our pasts and our mistakes. I know many people will always define Lance Armstrong as a cheat, a liar and a disgrace. But I don’t and I won’t. He’s much more than that to me. I still stand by him and with him. And before everyone starts screaming at me or rolling their eyes at me, let me explain why. Because he is not the product of these inexcusable, unacceptable, atrocious mistakes he has made. He’s more than that. To me, he is a survivor. This man survived cancer and no matter what else he has done, or what sins he has committed, that takes tremendous courage, strength and passion. I applaud him for looking the devastating demon that is cancer right in the face and fighting it and winning. He was up against the odds and he came out on the other side. He struggled with it but he survived. And I also see a man who has given so much hope and so much compassion to others who have also struggled and been affected by cancer. His LIVESTRONG foundation is an extraordinarily beautiful thing. It should not ever be torn down or thrown into the same place as his tainted professional cycling career. They are completely separate of each other. It’s not okay to diminish what he has done in the area of cancer research or what he has done with his own personal battle with cancer just because of the sins he committed while on a bicycle.  I’m not suggesting that he be forgiven simply because of these things. I am just pointing out that not everything that is associated with him is shameful or is a lie. Don’t take out the obvious anger and frustration you have on his professional sins on the other private and wonderfully positive things he has done.  When I see that people withdraw their support of LIVESTRONG it honestly makes me upset. I mean it is well within their rights to do that but to withdraw support of an extremely positive organization that helps so many people around the globe simply because of certain bad things the founder has done is not okay with me. I know that the foundation goes on with another CEO. I understand that. But some people will forever associate that organization with cheating, lying and unethical behavior and to me that’s the equivalent of blaming a child for the sins of their father. They are not the same. Please don’t treat them as such. I was inspired by Lance and his story. I still am today even as I sit here disappointed in his choices to dope and lie. While yes it does change some things in my mind, it does not change others. I still support him. I still want to see him succeed and spread his story of survival to those who are currently struggling with cancer. I want to see him redeem himself somehow. I know he  has a long uphill climb and that some people will never forgive him and that is their right. But for me, I just refuse to turn away from somebody I admire and have been  inspired by due to very very poor choices he has made. I am a very loyal person. Anyone who knows me knows this. I will walk with you and beside you no matter what and I will go to the farthest reaches of hell and back for you. It’s one of my greatest qualities, but it can be a fault too in the eyes of others, especially in times such as these. But I just believe that people are inherently good and that even though they can do some incredibly bad things, they still have the ability to be good and do good and that they are not just all the mistakes they’ve made. It’s easy to love someone when the road is straight and the sun is shining and there are no obstacles in the way. The challenge is after the road starts to get curvy and the storm rages on and the walls of obstacles begin to mount. I always believed what my psychology professor said: loving somebody means knowing the worst thing they’ve ever done or thought about doing and choosing to love them anyway. I agree and it’s how I live my life. I choose to keep on loving someone even when they show themselves to be full of mistakes. That’s what unconditional means. My faith has been shaken with this news I admit. But to come back to that faith even after doubting it, means the faith was worth it in the end. I also believe that faith is not faith until tested. I am not trying to wax poetic about things here. My whole point of this is not to change anyone’s minds about how to feel about the recent events or to change their minds about what they think about Lance. I am simply expressing to everyone why I still choose to love and admire him. Even though I could have thrown in the towel, I just refuse to be that way. It’s not in my nature. I am a forgiving person who believes in redemption and second chances. Not just for him but for myself and for all of us out there. I always choose to believe in success stories like Lance’s. I always have. I am not gullible like some would like to say. I am not that cynical. I refuse to let my faith in people be destroyed by things like this. It’s smart to be slightly skeptical but also faithful. Too many times today, too many people become far too cynical and lack faith in anyone or anything. They say it’s because events like this make them that way, I say it only does if you let it. Being cynical is easy. Lord knows it is. Being faithful takes so much more work and more inherent risk. But I will always choose being faithful over cynical. Always. And as for the whole making fun of him for having one testicle thing, that is truly disgusting. There are many many things that you can get after for and rightly so but that is absolute bush league. The man had cancer and had to have a testicle removed. That is not something to joke about or to insult him with. It’s not something that I will ever allow to be said in my presence. And anyone who says anything like that will be called out for it. It’s the equivalent of  a woman having breast cancer, getting a mastectomy, and then somebody decides to insult her by using that against her. Like I said, you can say a lot of things about this man that will be irrefutable and relevant. But that’s one thing from his past that is off limits.  Now I don’t really care if you agree with anything else I’ve said in this post but I would hope you would agree with me on that. But I would like to close this post up by saying this: Lance, I still love and admire you. I forgive you. I still believe in you. And to all those who don’t agree, please remember this is the world according to me.

Peace, love and pina coladas to all

Mel

Time For Change Is Now

As I watch the wall to wall never ending, non stop coverage of the atrocious events of today, I am hit with this single, solitary, isolated thought: It’s time for change. The status quo isn’t working. To sit here and watch the breaking news on all the channels and act like I haven’t seen this play out before or as if I haven’t heard the story before is not accurate. We’ve all seen it before. We’ve all heard it before. Why did this happen? How could this happen? What a crazy lunatic psycho. How evil. We mourn the dead. We cry. We pray. And we talk. We say a lot of things. But words are only words. They are lip service. We talk. And every single word we say is empty, hollow and meaningless. The blood is still spilled. The dead are still dead. The children are still crying. The guns are still locked and loaded. In fact, I'm certain the sale of guns will peak right after what has happened. So if we are going to talk, we must talk about something real, something substantive. And we must do it right now. It’s not politicizing. It’s not in poor taste. It’s not disrespecting the victims. It’s honoring them. It’s mourning the way they were lost, unfairly, needlessly and senselessly. We owe it to them to have this discussion and to come up with a solution. And that solution is change. I don’t want to hear that guns don’t kill people—people kill people. I am aware of that. And I am not naïve enough to think that becoming stricter on gun availability and accessibility will curtail the gun violence completely. I know it won’t.  I agree that if somebody wants to kill somebody and do bad things, they will find a way to do it. But there is not one good reasonable explanation for any civilian to be able to carry and purchase semi-automatic handguns and assault rifles. The only thing these weapons are for is to inflict pain upon humans. I come from a hunting family. I grew up around a hunting culture. And there is not one animal I know that one of these weapons or one of the extended magazine clips is needed for. Not one. The only thing being hunted down in that instance is humans. I also believe that saying guns don’t kill people people kill people is a huge giant bullshit cop out on taking any accountability. It’s acquiescing the criminals and is the equivalent of looking the other way while they spray their bullets. It’s enabling in its simplest form.  While having a discussion today, I heard two people tell me that it’s all free will. People will find a way to harm others if that’s their intent. While I can’t argue that point, I do say we can make it more difficult for them to inflict such damage. I’m not talking about banning all guns. I believe in the constitution and the right to bear arms. It’s a fundamental right of this country. But you know what else I believe in? I believe in a child’s right to go to school without being shot. I believe in the right to go to a theater or shopping mall or house of worship without being shot. I believe in the right to walk down the street without being shot. At what point do we say that our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness is being infringed upon by people with license to carry and conceal. You have the freedom to carry a gun and fire for your protection. But what about my protection from you? Does that right not count as much? I have heard some other people say that the problem isn’t that we need to restrict guns so tragedies that happen aren’t so commonplace, but that more people need to carry. If only more people were armed in that theater or at Congresswoman Giffords public event or in that shopping mall the damage wouldn’t have been so severe. So what about today? What are they going to say now? Arm our six year olds before they go to kindergarten each day? Teach them to shoot first and run later? What is wrong with us for that to be our solution? How is that a sane or rational or reasonable response to these senseless acts of violence? I find myself disturbed by this reaction. And then it hits me: this is part of the problem. The culture of this country is part of the problem these things happen. Now don’t get me wrong, the only ultimate one responsible is the culprit of these atrocities. They deserve the blame. But to think that they are the only problem or that there are no other issues that help create these tragedies is just living in a fantasy world devoid of truth. We think the answer to violence is more violence. We believe that we protect ourselves by buying more ammo and bigger guns. That’s what we cultivate. We teach that to each other by each action we take. And make no mistake about it, inaction is much an action as anything else. To sit back quietly and say guns don’t kill people, people kill people is being a passive accomplice. To have evil prevail, all that must occur is for good people to sit back and do nothing and just accept the status quo as it is and say it will never change. They say change won’t work. How do we know that unless we try? We know that our current landscape isn’t working. In fact, it’s getting worse. The number of gun related deaths is on the significant and substantial rise. The violence is simply getting worse and more blood is being spilled as our collective consciences are being desensitized each time one of these incidents occur. We begin to believe our fate. We think nothing will change. But we must try. We cannot continue down this path we are on. We will not survive it. Our children will continue to die and cry and shed tears and blood. And is that what we want our legacy to be? That we just became silent on things that matter? “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent on the things that matter.” Martin Luther King was correct when he said this. Our morality and our humanity has decayed and deteriorated to the point of no return. We have become divorced of decency and compassion. We have become numb to all of this. And it has to change. Nobody who wants to see change wants to see guns banned. Or the large majority doesn’t. We just want to see stricter and more regulated laws on the books. Right now, it’s easier to get a semi-automatic handgun and to buy bullets than it is to get cold medicine or to vote.What’s wrong with us? Where have our values gone? Why are we so behind the rest of the world? Look at so many other countries and ask what are they doing right that we are screwing up so royally? What is so different between them and us? We have nearly as many deaths each year from gun related violence as other countries would have in years. Why is Canada or Australia or England so different? They have guns. They have people with guns. Why do they not have the gun violence we do? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. But they are doing something right. Let’s figure out their model and try to model it. Regulating guns is not a bad thing. It’s not unconstitutional. In fact, the exact wording of the second amendment is: A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed. The key word everyone always wants to overlook or pass over is well regulated. Even our founding fathers knew that the right to bear and keep arms had its limitations. They wanted such a right to be regulated. And also it talks about militia. That means members of the militia which today are members of the military and the police force. So if you go by the very words of the second amendment, regulation should be established for citizens rights to bear arms. And also, let’s keep in mind that when our founding fathers established the constitution they had muskets and cannons. They didn’t have uzis or AK-47s or .9mm or Glocks or rocket launchers. The key to maintaining the constitution is to understand that as society grows and evolves and changes, so can the words and interpretations of the constitution. It’s called progress. And it’s easy to hold onto old ways of thinking but sometimes we must face the cold, hard, brutal truth set before us: that old way of doing things doesn’t work any longer. Too many people are being murdered, too much blood is being spilled, and too much violence is paralyzing us as a nation. We need to adjust. We need to modify. That’s what life is all about. It’s about learning from our past mistakes and from not maintaining the status quo just because it’s easier than taking a stand and demanding change. What changes can be made? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers. I am just like everyone else. I am confused, I am shaken to my core with my confidence and my faith, I am finding my hope is barely hanging on as each day passes, and I am mad as hell also; mad at the perpetrators who carry out such evil atrocities towards fellow men, women, and as we saw today even children. But we can’t just get mad and get sad and then do nothing. The victims are owed more than our sorrow or our condolences or our refusal to even discuss making changes. They deserve and command our undivided attention. They need us to start communicating and discussing and finding something different, something better. We cannot keep pretending that the current way of life is working. It’s in need of serious alterations. And let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that we can ever eradicate the evil that exists in our society completely or that the perverse and macabre will disappear if we work hard enough to stop it. It will still exist. I am not naïve enough to think that. I am a God fearing person and I know that as long as there is life on earth, evil will exist. I understand that. I even accept that. But I won’t accept us just thinking we can’t do everything in our power to reduce and subvert the evil as much as we can. We are soldiers of the Almighty and we must do our part. It won’t be easy. There are no easy answers. There are no easy questions. But we must find a way. I am still hurting so much from today’s events and my sorrow won’t seem to ease up at all. I keep thinking of my own nieces who are in school and what I would do if it were them who had been victims. And I know that they now have to go to school with that fear in the back of their minds. And I'm not complacent enough to think it won't happen where I live. It can and will happen anywhere and if we don't take a stand right now to make a change it will happen here someday. I can’t even begin to imagine that scenario but I also know that that is what motivates me to stand up and say enough is enough. Not one more child can be lost to this senseless heartless violence. Not one more ounce of blood can be shed in this country from an innocent bystander caught with the bullet of a mad man. And we cannot keep going on this sick cycle carousel. It’s nauseating and sickening. We need to find a way to end the suffering and to obtain a new normal. We must try and expand our mental health outreach to find some people struggling with their inner demons and monsters who eventually reach their breaking point and decide to take out as many with them as they can and create as much carnage as humanly possible. We need to focus on getting those lost souls help before they grab the gun as the medication or as their solution. We have to make it harder for people to acquire ammunition and weapons. And we need to ban semi-automatic assault weapons which serve no purpose on earth besides bringing about death, depravity and chaos. It is time people. We must take a stand. I’m going to quote a Michael Jackson song and ask how many victims must there be slaughtered in vain across the land  and how many children have to die before we stand to lend a healing hand? Every day we are creating our history and writing our legacy. And our actions as well as our inaction and our screams as well as our silence will be written in the books for future generations to read and know. How do we want that history and legacy to look? When you look in the mirror ask yourself that question. What is my legacy going to be? What will they learn about me and from me? Can you live with yourself when you say guns don’t kill people but people kill people and just enable the perversity and malice to keep happening? I understand the sentiment. I do. At the end of the day, we are all individually responsible for our actions. But we are also here to help each other out as much as we can. I believe it isn’t just a kind thing to do but the right and moral thing to do. Are we going to really just sit back and stay silent and wash our hands of it by accepting the status quo? Are we okay with more innocence being lost and stolen far too prematurely? Are we okay with the blood pouring out of bodies? Because we all wear the stains of those lost when we choose to do nothing to change things. I sincerely hope and pray that we can all come together and unite to find the answers and be the solution. I also sincerely believe that in life, you are either part of the problem or you are a part of the solution and that you either get it or you don’t. I want us all to be the solution and to get it. Join me won’t you and make my sincerest belief the reality of the times. 

We’re innocently standing by
Watching people lose their lives
It seems as if we have no voice
It’s time for us to make a choice
They’ve gotta hear it from me
They’ve gotta hear it from you
They’ve gotta hear it from us
We can’t take it we’ve already had enough

Those lyrics from Michael Jackson’s song We’ve Had Enough has been echoing in my head all day since this news first broke. And it’s the truth. We have had enough and we have to raise our voice. We must stand up together as one and unite. Because as he also says in the song “there’s nothing that can’t be done if we raise our voice as one” so let’s stand up and lift up and do it for all the victims of violence---not just today but every day before. They deserve that from us. We must speak for them since they can’t speak for themselves any longer. Will you stand with me today? Let’s look at the man in the mirror and make that change. I believe in us. Do you believe in us too?

In honor of all the victims of violence in CT and all around the world.

Rest in Peace

Sharing Some Poetry

I am a writer. I write lots of different things as I value diversity and versatility. But my first love is poetry. Has been and always will be. So I just thought I'd share a few of my many many poems with you today. This is just a small sampling. Very small.

Can somebody explain this to me

How exactly this came to pass

Sitting here drowning in mediocrity

With only my visions of the past

Hey there old familiar friend

Why didn’t you call me first

To let me know this is the end

At least then it wouldn’t hurt

I cannot figure out how it went wrong

One moment in ecstasy

Then the tragic end of the song

Colors are never quite so clear

As when you stand alone in the dark of night

Could there be an escape plan formed

To turn this plane around and retake the flight

Or am I gonna sit here in judgment from the liars chair

For the rest of eternity never being able to move on

The sanctimony of those with self-righteous indignation

Chills me to my fucking very last bone

Why do they gotta be so repulsive and evil

Is there no second chances involved in this land

Maybe if this is the truth of the matter

I will never be able to care or to understand

The strangers that look at me with such disgrace

Are no longer men of mystery

I see myself in their hollowed out eyes

And begin to swallow my own self-pity

For that is all I have left now

The only truth that is to be revealed

Is whether or not I continue to believe

Or will it forever remain unsealed

Only god truly knows the answer

DONT FEED THE MONSTER

Infiltrate, fabricate, annihilate

That is your creed

Why do you sell yourselves out

For power and greed

You’d sell your own soul

You’d dirty your own mind

If your ends justify your means

You will leave all the good behind

You are sick and full of lies

The hypocrisy is never ending

The deliberation of your malignancy

Is now what is considered trending

Suppress the truth while promoting lies

And falsifying the facts of the matter

You are devils in human form

Trying to divide us all and then scatter

Your filth is infecting our souls

A little more each and every hour

The pervasive narrative is the majority

And it’s gaining more and more power

I am sick to my stomach, can hardly stand

What is happening to all of humanity

Have we gone mad and lost our minds

Our sense of honor and morality

Why do we let you corrupt us

With such impure and dirty speak

Do we really have no reason left

Are we so despondent and weak

I can’t even watch it anymore

Its becoming too grotesque to see

If something is not done soon

We are all headed toward anarchy

Drinking Binge

I drink when my life is heaven

I drink when my life is hell

I drink when I feel sick

I drink when I feel well

I drink in times of joy

I drink in times of sorrow

I drink for the memory of yesterday

I drink to the hopes and fears of tomorrow

I drink to feel good

I drink to feel bad

I drink more than I should

And I drink until I go mad

I drink for my past

To escape it and forget

I drink for my present

So I can feel content

I drink for my future

As yet unknown pathway

So I don’t give into the fear

That holds me back from breaking away

I drink to gain control

Of my fragile sanity

And I drink to numb my soul

So I don’t have such clarity

I drink because I like alcohol

The taste of liquor so sweet

It is the best friend I have

The greatest friend I will ever meet

It doesn’t judge me at all

Or label me in any way

Booze let’s me step up to the call

And doesn’t get in my way

I love drinking and getting wasted out of my motherfucking mind

It is far superior to being sober

And feeling as if I have been left behind

RECOVERY

Im an addict

Yes I admit

I am unable to stop

And am unwilling to quit

I haven’t had a drink today

I am stone cold sober

I am not walking around

In a drunken stupor

Or with that cloudy haze

In my eyes or head

I haven’t been straight

In years but messed up instead

I can’t remember

The last time I was whole

Without a substance

Being in control

Of my mind

And my sanity

I can’t believe

I am able to see

So much more clearly

Through this new set of eyes

It’s brighter outside

Than I was able to realize

I want to live

And I want to be happy

I want to do so much

I want to find my humanity

What I lost so long ago

By my inability to cope

Here I sit in sober silence

With optimism and hope

SWEET BLISS

There is no bliss quite like this

A feeling so pure and sweet

It’s like the very first kiss

Of that someone special you meet

You just know it in your heart

And feel it in your soul

That how you two have taken your start

Is the best memory you will ever know

Two hearts joined as one that day

The love felt in a quiet instant of pleasure

All the words that a person can say

Is not nearly enough to measure

There is no bliss quite like this

And there will never be again

The taste of that sweet kiss

Will linger on until eternity’s end

LOVE SONG OF MY SOUL

And to the depths of my soul

You complete me and

You make me feel whole

How I lived my life before

You were in it is a mystery

I was so alone and isolated

I was living in such agony

Then I found you and it all changed

My whole perspective was different

I began to see things another way

And I will never ever forget

The way my life changed that first day

You and I had our first meeting of the soul

And since then, how we have been bonded

And never again will I lose my self-control

Since you have a way with me

And are able to keep me grounded so much

I will never be the same again

And that thought makes me so grateful for your every touch

You are my angel

You are my life

I will always love you

And will never again feel such strife

So this is my love poem to you

Instead of a song or a letter I could never send

The words written are the song of my soul

Which is at peace without an end

IN SPITE OF YOU

You told me I couldn’t

And I said I will

You told me I shouldn’t

And yet I did still

You said I’d never make it

I said watch me soar

You said I’d eventually break it

And yet I have gained even more

You wanted to hold me back

But I kept pushing ahead

You wanted to stop me by a verbal attack

But here I am on top instead

You tried desperately to keep me down

And yet here I stand

You tried desperately to knock me around

And yet I am here in victory raising my hand

                DRIFTING AWAY

Hardened inside

With no feeling

Only numbness

The mind goes reeling

At the desolate darkness

And the deep solitude

There is nothing left

Creating a bad attitude

Look for something

Anything to cling to

If only there was a reason to hope

To make it through

To the other side

And find the light

And bask in its infinite glory

And know that everything is all right

Oh if only that were true

And the darkness would dissipate

But it won’t as it’s not temporary

And your heart is ready to anticipate

The hurt caused by others

The pain in your chest

You can’t trust anyone

And you can’t let your past rest

So you drift

Endlessly and aimlessly

Just looking for a place

To rest your head

And a warm embrace

Seems impossible

To find a refuge at all

It seems to be hopeless

As if nobody hears your call

You cry so many tears

You weep all night long

You can’t believe you

Can’t right a simple wrong

And you just drift

Farther and farther away

Until you no longer

Have anything to say

Okay well thats enough for now. I'll leave you with these. But there are plenty more where these came from and they just keep coming

Until next time
Mel

Why this Election Matters

Hello everybody. I come to  you today on a very important and vital day for our country. Today we must make a choice and decide on which direction we want this country to go. We must also choose which leader we believe will lead us in the direction we seek. Today is election day. It's something every American should look forward to and should be passionate about. You have a voice. You must not be afraid to use it. I firmly believe that if you do not vote, you do not matter. I can't stand when people do nothing but bitch, moan and complain about the direction of this country when they didn't get their behinds in the ballot box. You can't have it both ways. You don't like something,its up to you to change it. Now you may say I'm just one person. I won't matter. With an attitude like that, I feel sorry for you because you will never get very far in life. You may be one person but if you have passion and commitment to a cause and you use those to raise your voice, you will create change. You can make a difference. I don't want you to vote because I said so. I want you to vote because it is your birthright. I want you to vote because of all the blood, sweat and tears that many generations before us shed. I want you to vote because of the courageous men and women who have fought for our continued freedom in order to walk to the ballot box and choose our representatives. I want you to vote for them. Now, with that out of the way, I have to be honest and tell you that I hope that you vote for the best man for the job of the office of president: Barack Obama. I'll be blunt. I don't like Mitt Romney. I don't trust him. He panders to whomever he thinks he needs to pander to at the moment. He's like that guy who will tell agree with you that the sky is blue. Then he comes along to me and I tell him the sky is orange and he agrees with me. Then he goes to my neighbor who tells him the sky is purple with pink polka dots and he agrees with that. The man is a flip flopper extradanoire. He is committed to nothing except winning the office of Presidency. I don't believe he even wants the job to lead or help this country out. I think he wants it because its that shiny new car he sees in the showroom that he just has to have because he feels entitled to it. He doesn't care about us regular folks. I don't just think this, I know this. How? Because he said so himself. In that now infamous videotape he tells those financial backers that forty seven percent of the people he would be leading if he was in fact elected are lazy, worthless bums who sit around using government money needlessly and have no personal responsibility at all. He doesn't care about those people. And he has contempt for them. Don't take my word for it. Take his. In the words of Maya Angelou, when someone shows you who they are the first time-believe them. I believe Mitt. There is another saying that says character is who you are when you think nobody is watching.  Once again, I believe this is the real Mitt. He revealed himself to me and many many others. Don't deny it. Don't spin it. Just believe it. The bible tells us that we shall know them by their fruits. Mitt's fruit is rotten to the core. That's the truth. I don't just not like Mitt Romney because he's rich or because he's a Republican. I don't like him because he cannot be trusted at all and he is not fit to be the leader of this country. He has proven this by his many actions and many words. Yes, I do admit I love and support Barack Obama. He has done many things I agree with and am proud of, most notably he signed the Lily Ledbetter act into law which made it a crime to not give women equal pay for equal work, he repealed Don't Ask Don't Tell the awful discriminatory policy of the military which made soldiers keep a part of themselves secret even though they were fighting for everyone's freedom, he gave the order to take out Osama Bin Laden a mission ten years in the making that evaded and eluded the George Bush admininstration for almost all of its tenure, and he stood up for marriage equality by stating in no uncertain terms that gay people have the rights to the very same marriages as straight people. This man has done so much for this country and has moved us forward. If Mitt Romney is elected, he will not only erase all that progress we have made in the past four years, he will take us back to the days where women are slaves to men. He wants women to have to carry their rapists baby. He wants to take away a woman's fundamental right to choose what happens to her body. He wants women to be treated unfairly in the workforce. He wants gays and lesbians to be outcast and not be allowed to have the same fundamental rights as straights. He wants this country to go back to a place that many generations before us bled and died to eradicate for us and our future. We cannot go back to that place. We can't. I know maybe you think I'm being way too melodramatic but I am not. I fear where this country is headed if Mitt Romney gets elected. That's quite honestly my greatest nightmare and its a place I don't think I want to be. I love this country. I love it so much that if Romney somehow is elected, I will cry hysterically at the scenario. Mitt Romney being elected is the worst thing that happen to this country. Period. And if he is, and we get put back in the dark ages in America, well congratultions go out to the Republicans for building that. A place I will no longer be proud to call my home.

This is my opinion. You are more than welcome to disagree. That's what makes America great.
Until next time
Mel

The Truth Shall Prevail

I don't know if I have stated before just how big a fan of Michael Jackson I am but I will do it now for sure. I love him. He inspires me so much and has helped changed my life in so many profound ways. He was the most beautiful, amazing, incredible man with the most beautiful soul. I feel so privileged and honored to have been able to share the world with him for a little bit, even if we never met. To live in the same time as he did is a total blessing to me. Any future children I have will listen to his music, will understand his philantrophy and his message, and will be introduced to his incredible legacy. That brings me to the point of this blog. Michael Jackson's legacy. And yes, his legacy as a musical icon and legendary status is unquestioned and irrevocable. That will not change. The man was the greatest entertainer and performer of my lifetime and another like him will come along again never. But there is another part of his legacy that I want to help repair. I want to vindicate him of these false allegations which has led to false labelling, false judgments and has destroyed a large part of his legacy unfairly and unjustly. Martin Luther King Jr. once said "injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere" and he was right. If somebody somewhere has been mistreated and had injustice committed against them, it affects the rest of the world and threatens justice worldwide. I bring this up because many people ask why keep harping on MJ? He's dead, he won't be able to come back, just let it go. Well, here's the thing. I won't let it go. I can't let it go for the principle of the matter. Truth matters. Justice matters. And just because somebody dies doesn't mean we just forget about the injustice that was done to them. We can't just turn our heads and walk away and shrug our shoulders as if it no longer matters what the truth of the situation was. MJ was an incredible, generous, compassionate human being who was constantly being used and manipulated by people who surrounded him. Whenever they looked at Michael, they saw dollar signs-not a beautiful  man with a beautiful soul. And because of this, a grave injustice occurred. He was robbed. Of many things, but mostly his dignity and his honor. People now looked at him with suspicion, with shame, with disgust and with disdain. And he didn't deserve it. There are many facts out there that lead to the truth if people are interested and open minded enough to find it. And there is far more to Michael Jackson the man than the myth and the caricature the media portrayed him to be. I am above all else in life, a justice and truth seeker. I want to know the truth and I will not stop seeking it simply because somebody who I feel has been dealt injustice is no longer here to see the day the truth comes out. The thing about the truth is its absolute and its undeniable and unequivocal. You can try to hide it, suppress it, deny it or manipulate it but, as Buddha says three things will always rise-the sun, the moon and the truth. The truth is like our shadow. It follows us wherever we go. We cannot out run it. Wherever we go, it goes as well. I look back throughout history and I see tons of injustice served on many people. How many men have been executed only to later be exonerated by evidence? Why bother as some say? Because to that person's family, it means everything that though he is no longer with them, they could at least clear up his good name and bring some type of justice to his memory. The truth is the truth-always. Even if it takes decades to come out, it will prevail. And to Michael Jackson's family and to all those who love him as I do, his innocence of any wrong doing coming out so he can be fully and completely vindicated matters as much now as it did while he was alive. He may not be here to see the day when it happens, but that doesn't mean that day shouldn't happen now. That doesn't mean we should give up the fight and let it go and move on. In fact, it means we need to fight even harder for justice and for vindication. He can no longer fight for himself so it's up to us to see this through. I compare it to seeing somebody bullied on the playground but nobody believes the one being bullied. You know they were bullied but the bullies lie and manipulate and use misinformation to turn the tables and make the victim seem like the perpetrator. Now this is a grave injustice that must be overturned and reversed for the sake of not only the victim of it but for the rest of society. We must overcome injustices done to people. It may not be popular and we will be hit with resistance from many people who don't want to see the truth come out for fear that they were wrong about it from the start. The road is long and full of challenges. It won't be easy. But anything worth having is never easy. And restoring Michael Jackson's legacy to eradicate the injustice done to him is worth it. The reward is knowing that a wrong has been righted. Whether that happens today, tomorrow, next year or fifty years from now, it still matters. I won't let it go just because he's dead now and nothing will change that fact. I know we can't bring him back to life. That's not what this is about. It's simply about seeking the justice that eluded him during the last years of his life so that one day his children can have the satisfaction of knowing that the truth has set their father free-completely and totally. So, those of you who ask this question, there's your answer. I am sure you guys who ask this are the ones who believe the myth and the lies perpetuated against him by the media. I am sure you all don't want the truth to be revealed for having to face yourselves in the mirror and know that you had a part in the crucifixion of an innocent man. You have to live with the knowledge that you too share in the soul murder of this extraordinary human being. You have to see in your eyes the reality that you have some of his blood on your hands. I understand your plight. You want to run away and put your head in the sand and ignore these facts. You want to escape the inevitability of the truth because you can't handle the truth. But once again I say the truth will prevail in the end. It always does. Whether you want it to or not, it will rise to the surface and all the lies will be destroyed eventually. And that is why those of us who continue to pursue justice and truth for Michael Jackson will not relent and will not let it go nor will we ever move on. It is our responsibility to right this wrong and to turn the tide of manipulation around. We shall overcome all of the naysayers and the doubters and the cynics some day. Because lies only run sprints, whereas the truth runs marathons.

Proud and dedicated fan of Michael Joseph Jackson who will never stop fighting to restore his legacy
Mel

Innocent Until PROVEN guilty

Innocent until proven guilty. Its a basic constitutional right among all of us here in America and should be considered the top right for anyone in the world. People should have the presumption of innocence always until or unless proven otherwise. But that is just a myth. We are not a society that upholds this basic human right. Instead, we pronounce somebody guilty without any substantive evidence at all. All it takes is for someone, no matter who, to point their finger at you and say you did something. Whether you did or didn't is irrelevant. Once they've pointed that accusatory finger, its over. You are convicted in the court of public opinion. It doesn't matter if you actually are, somebody somewhere sometime said it so it must be so. Take the recent news about Lance Armstrong. He has been bashed, berated, labeled a fraud and cheat, dismissed, and his reputation has been sullied into the ground by people who say he is guilty based on nothing else other than they "know" it to be true. No need for a trial or evidence to be presented proving their case. He's guilty because we say so. Is it because he has been so successful and has inspired so many people with his story? Is it sheer bilious envy that causes people to be so skeptical of his achievements? Is it resentment of his unmatched, unparrelled and unbelievable success? What is it inside of people that makes them so cynical of anyone reaching a high level of success? Why is the initial reaction to incredible success one of doubt? Why must it be this way? They tell me that this is simply human nature but why is doubting people the first instinct? Why is that our nature as humans? I just don't understand that way of thinking. To me, when somebody finds success like Lance Armstrong I celebrate it. I become inspired by it. I use that story to build myself up. But it seems to me I am in the small minority of people who feel this way. For some reason, it appears that the majority want to build people up only to tear them down. They kiss their cheek, stroke their backs, tell them they can achieve great heights and only to turn around to stab them in the back at the first opportunity. It's quite perverse and sadistic. It's as if we have the same mentality as those back in the days of Christ. They couldn't bear that a man was so good hearted, such a wonderful humanitarian, and was a voice of peace amongst many. So they began to falsely accuse him and label him many things, blasphemer and heretic among them. And what did they end up doing to the only perfect man to ever walk this earth? They crucified him. They were so sure of his guilt that even though they had no evidence to corrobarate their vicious claims, the majority "knowing" was enough to nail him to the cross. And it has happened again and again throughout history. Galileo was imprisoned and called a false god for his belief based upon his research that the earth revolved around the sun. Joan of Arc was burnt at the stake for her unwavering faith of God. Muhammad Ali was torn down by many for his unparalled success in the boxing rink. Michael Jackson was an incredible humanitarian, an unbelievable entertainer with the all time greatest selling album, a warm soul who wanted to heal the world, and they tore him down with vicious, false allegations of the worst kind without any shred of substantive proof of his guilt. People just "knew" he was guilty, lack of evidence be damned. And the public labeled him disgusting things even though he was never found guilty of any wrongdoing. And now they are doing the same thing to Lance Armstrong. Smearing him. Besmirching him. Dragging his name through the mud. And for what reason? Because he is the greatest cyclist of all time. For his record seven Tour De France titles. For his unbelievable success in cancer research. For his ability to inspire millions of people in the same way Michael Jackson did. And Muhammad Ali did. And Joan of Arc did. And people want to say he must be guilty because he has dropped the fight. If he was innocent, he'd keep fighting to prove his innocence. But two things wrong with this idea: firstly, I understand why he would give up the fight. Why bother when they are determined he was guilty and will make the evidence fit that agenda and secondly, it's not up to Lance to prove his innocence. It's up to his detractors to prove his guilt. He has never had a failed drug test, either blood or urine. And if they had any documentation of a failed test, we would have already known that because they would have leaked it to the media and shouted it from the roof tops. They have nothing but a few "eyewitnesses" saying they saw him inject. Well, forgive me for being cynical of this but I don't put much stock in eyewitness testimony in cases like this because people lie. For all sorts of reasons, people will say they saw things they didn't see. Let's look at the recent case of Roger Clemens where witnesses after being sworn in under the penalty of perjury couldn't say for sure what they saw or heard. People get it wrong and they can be motivated by greed, jealousy, resentment or they can be bullied into saying things against somebody if that mob of witch hunters puts enough pressure on. It happened in the Michael Jackson case. People were berated over and over again by investigators wanting something incriminating against him so they co-erced, harassed, bullied people into saying something incriminating or at least trying their damndest to. Witnesses can be manipulated. Give me something else or shut up about it. They also gave these witnesses immunity to testify against Lance. What does that tell you? It automatically makes me suspicious of their statements. They are basically telling the story they are told to say in order to get out of any type of trouble. That again is not nearly enough for me to condemn somebody who deserves much more respect and more benefit of the doubt than that. I am not willing to disregard the massive amounts of success Lance Armstrong has achieved based solely on the words of a few people who alledgedly saw things illegal. I need more. And I won't be a part of the lynch mob on this issue. I believe in a person's right to be considered innocent until proven guilty way more than that. Lance Armstrong to me is still the greatest cyclist that this world has ever seen and is still a huge inspiration for me. I am still backing him and standing behind him. And as for the lynch mob who is ready to crucify him and publically decry him as a cheat, in the words of Christ at the Crucifixion, "forgive them Father for they know not what they do".

Until next time
Mel