Hello guys: long time , no blog! It’s been way too long since I wrote one of these and I’m doing it now because Someone recently asked me how I got through my most recent bout of depression and it got me thinking about how I could explain it to someone else and it made me realize I need to write this down in print to share it in hopes that so many of my fellow sufferers of this dreaded disease known as depression can find some inspiration and wisdom, and perhaps even courage, in their own daily battle.
The first thing I’ll say is this: it took me years of struggle, turbulence, turmoil and therapy to finally figure out the approach that works for me. And that approach is to not allow the darkness to overwhelm me by trying to suffer in silence or spend my time denying it is there. And this is where so many fellow sufferers struggle. It isn’t a character flaw . It is how this disease works and why it’s so successful. The voices in your head from that monster try to trick you into pretending it’s all okay, to battle in silence and loneliness and it tells you you are weak. I learned how to not give in to those lies by being vulnerable enough to admit out loud “I’m not okay”, “I’m struggling and losing the battle” and “I hurt”. It’s hard to allow yourself to feel so vulnerable because the monster wants you to think being vulnerable means weakness and weakness means you’re unworthy and have no value because weak people have no value. But it’s absolutely perfectly okay to not be okay and to hurt. It’s even more okay to say it out loud. This isn’t weakness at all. It’s a sign that you’re stronger than you know. And it’s amazing to finally gain self awareness to know this. I know this approach won’t work for lots of you also struggling. I don’t advocate doing this thinking it will automatically work. I tried all sorts of different approaches and lots of them failed. I ended up feeling worse. So don’t think this is a magic cure for all, firstly because not one size fits all for depression and secondly, because there is no cure for this disease to be honest. You will always bear this burden. You will always carry this beast inside of you. It’s as much a part of you as the blood flowing your veins. Accept it. And then Embrace it. Acknowledging it and admitting it out loud makes you more powerful over the darkness that wants you to stay silent because silence is its strength. Silence is what kills you. Silence and denial is what makes you smile on the outside but cry on the inside. Silence hides your vulnerabilities. Accepting your flaws and embracing them allows you to love yourself unconditionally. And that is the greatest weapon any of us can own in this war that is endlessly and ferociously being waged against our minds, souls, and spirits. The monster inside wants to take all of your self worth, your self confidence , your self love and your self esteem away and replace it with self loathing and self hate. It wants you to believe your flaws are unforgivable and uncommon to make you feel like an unlovable outcast unworthy of anything good in life. I’ve been there. I still hear those voices guys. That never goes away. Sometimes I want to give in to those voices and just say it’s too hard to keep going. But it gets better. In the darkest day, there is always light. Always. Light and love always prevails. Even when you hate yourself, even when you say I can’t , love and light endures. And you just have to believe that. Easier said than done I know. I had to learn how to believe it. And I’ll believe it for the both of us when you aren’t strong enough to believe it yourself. I’ll love you when you hate yourself and can’t look at yourself in the mirror. I’ll support you and stand by you, even when you can’t find the energy to get out of bed. At the end of the day, in this lifetime, all we have is this shared human experience and our shared human connection. We may not always be on the same road but we are all traveling on the dame journey. Never forget you’re not unworthy. You’re not unloved. You’re not weak.
You’re human. You’re beautiful. And together, we may struggle and lose the battle but we can win the war.
And the last thing I’ll say is to know your weaknesses. For me, it’s alcohol. I can’t drink when I’m feeling depressed. I know it’ll lead me to one path: and that it will involve nothing but self destruction, self sabotage and lots and lots of pain, not just my own but other peoples. I used to be very good at self destructive sabotage. It was my specialty. And I learned how to overcome that behavior, unless I drink and lose my inhibitions. Drinking is like poison for me. And I know this. I am aware how destructive it is to partake in that activity so I don’t. Even when I crave it badly , like I did last time I was in a bout of depression. And it was bad this last round. I didn’t want to get out bed because simply existing hurt too much. I felt empty and full of hurt all at the same time. And I just wanted to drink it all away. I just laid in bed, allowed myself to feel like utter, miserable shit and said out loud I wasn’t okay to everyone so they could keep an eye on me. They could help police my behavior and keep me from doing something reckless, which is all you want to do when you feel the way I did at that time. When you’re in the darkness, you can’t fathom there is light anywhere. Even though I knew it was there, it’s hard to keep that knowledge when you just want to sleep forever because you’re so exhausted emotionally and spiritually. And you’re fed up with being fed up. This battle is perpetual guys and gals. You know this. You understand it. Like I said above, all we have in this life is each other and in the end, the only thing we can truly lean on is each other. We can get through it. I know we can. I believe in me. I believe in you. I believe in us.
So there it is. That is my advice on how to work through the inevitable bout of depression that will come our way. It’s our truth.
It’s our way of life. And it’s our journey we have to navigate, through all the pain, all the darkness and the endless agony we face. But in the darkest day, there is always light. I promise you this. Hold on. Hang in there. Be well. And don’t be afraid to take a break from everything to recharge, reboot, recalibrate and rejuvenate. Your individual mental health and emotional well being , as well as your spiritual and physical health, is the most important issue there is isn’t it?
Keep the faith.
Love yourself.
Stay strong and beautiful.
Be well. Do well.
Mel
