Longing for Home

So I have been sitting around today reminiscing. One month, thirty whole days, 720 hours. That is how long it has been since I left NYC. That is how long I have been out of it, not myself due to missing the city so much. I never thought in a million years I would fall in love so deeply and completely with anything, much less a city. I am from the country and grew up around the same fifty people and the same old routine day in and day out. I always told myself I loathed the big city and that life wasn't for me. Little did I know how wrong I was on that matter. I guess it was just that I had never been to the city when I was growing up so I didn't know what I was missing. I had no reason to miss it cause I was never there. I did go to NYC back in 2002, but I was still too young and too naive to the ways of the world and still didn't grasp my own ideas or beliefs too firmly. I was still, at that point, trying desperately to be what everyone else wanted me to be and that was a small town girl. They wanted me to be happy, secure and content in that small town. That was who I was supposed to be to them. But, as I have found out recently, that is not who I am. I want to be in the city that doesn't sleep. I want to be a part of it. Yes, I am citing lyrics from "New York, New York" here but that is how much I find myself missing it. I am consumed by one and only thought. The severe need, yes it is a
physical need, to get back to the city. I long for it. I am heartbroken due to not being there. I feel lost and out of place as I sit here typing this even though I am "home". But this doesn't feel like home to me. It feels like a temporary place to stay until I get back home. I realize, upon reflection, how much I don't want to be in this small town and continue the same old routine I have done the past 26 years. I want to live. I want to see the world. I mean, going to NYC and being a part of that culture for six days, felt like the most right and most true thing I have ever felt. I felt at home. I felt I was where I belonged. My heart was at peace and at rest and I felt so happy. I have never felt such unadulterated bliss in my life. Who knew that the bright lights and the big city would have that effect on me? To me, New York City is just the place to be. It is where I can get my daily fix on art and creativity and inspiration. I have never in my life been so inspired as I was walking down the streets of New York. Everywhere I looked I saw something inspiring. I saw something all the time that ignited that flame of passion in my soul. It was such an incredible rush. I miss that rush and I long for that rush. I need to get back to that feeling of euphoria, that feeling of pure and complete happiness. My soul needs to feel alive and my spirit needs to soar free. So I have to get back to New York City. It is vital to my life, my health and my sanity.

Now, I don't love New York City just because those six days I spent there a month ago where the most amazing days of my life, which they were. I had dreams come true that I have dreamed longer than I can even remember. I had a life changing moment one night when I saw the most amazing, beautiful piece of art ever. I still carry that message from that play with me with every single breath I take. The play, Underneathmybed, was so powerful and compelling, it still resonates. It truly changed me in ways I still can't really grasp at times. But I owe a lot to seeing that play. I loved seeing it and I loved the whole experience I got that night and every other night I was in the city. But, as much as  I loved it all, the reason I know why in my heart that NYC is the place for me is because of how it made me feel. I didn't even have to be doing anything to feel happy. I could just be laying down in the apartment and listening to the hustle and bustle outside of my window. Some people may call what I heard noise, but I called it music. I love the fact that in New York, you can always move. The movement is endless. Even at 3 am, there is something to do and there are people out. It is not a ghost town. It is not a place where boredom can ever find you. I mean, I don't think it is possible for anyone to become bored in that city. There is just constant and continual movement in NYC and I love that. I crave that actually. So, for me it is a deep need to get back there one day..........and SOON!!! I don't think my sanity can take it.

Something else I realize after my trip is this: how big the world is and how small I have been allowing myself to be. I am 26 and have barely even made a dent in the world. What I mean is that there are so many people and so many places to see and things to do that I have been wasting my time seeing the same people and doing the same thing every day. Maybe it is just that I am a restless soul at heart and don't like to be a slave to monotony or a prisoner of the ordinary. And, don't get me wrong, I am not knocking anyone who feels the need to stay in one place their whole life and do the same monotonous duties every day. God bless those that can do that. I am not one of those people. I want to see new things and new people. I desire being able to experience a plethora of experience, and I know that I will never achieve that if I stay here. I know by being in New York City, I will never be bored and I will never see the same things or people (if and when I do, it will be time to move on again). I don't know if any of this makes sense to you guys or not, but to me, it is the most sensical, logical, and natural thing in the world. I just know in my heart and feel in my gut that NYC is my home. I remember every detail of those six days even a month later. I remember the way I felt so serene and didn't get angry or frustrated at the things I know I would have tripped out over if those same things would have happened here. New York is just that calming effect on my soul. I also remember how much I did not want to come back. I started getting heartbroken that Saturday night when I started to understand fully that I was not long for the city. I had to leave. And I did not want to go. I remember how heavy my legs felt walking down the tunnel to get on my return flight. I remember how heavy my chest felt from all the hurt I was feeling due to having to leave. In that moment, I would have sold all of myself to not get on that plane. I seriously contemplated not getting on the plane and just staying with the few dollars I still had and just winging it. I felt that I would have been happier being in NYC with no plan or  place to stay or job than going back to this one horse, small, mundane town that I had always, up until then considered home. But I knew in that moment, this place was no longer my home. It was just the place I grew up. I was leaving my home but as sad as I was, I promised myself I would be back one day. I would come back and next time, it would be for good. That was the only way I could get myself on that plane. I didn't even miss this place either guys. I didn't spend one second longing for this place while I was gone. I never even thought about what was going on or spent any time dwelling on the things going on back here. I had only the thoughts of how much I loved NYC, even in the chaotic and crazy moments of carrying our luggage with us all through Times Square. Even when it took 3 hours to get home one night from Jersey, I never hated the experience. Hell, even when we got into the death cab for a minute and got dropped off on a dark, back alley street corner, I didn't hate it. I don't think there was anything that could have happened to ruin my mood while in the city. And that is highly unusual for a moody person like me. But, for whatever reason, the city does that to me. And that is why I need to get back as soon as I can. It is the key to my sustained good mood and success. I have found so much happiness and light from going to NYC for those six days. It did my body, my mind, my spirit and my soul good.  I miss the city because for me, there is no place else on earth I would rather be.

Until next time
Best regards to all
Mel