So here it is. We are on the verge of the ending of 2010 and the start of 2011. I am feeling a little mixed this new year's eve because a huge part of me hates to see 2010 end. Why? Because it was simply the most amazing, incredible and wonderful year ever and now it is gone. But as I move forward into the new year, I can look back on this past year with nothing but a smile on my face as the memories made this year are so fond and amazing. I also have learned so much this year about myself and I have taken such huge strides in my personal life to get on the track to true happiness and peace. The steps I have taken have been rough in spots and forced me to do some serious gut checking with myself. I had to face a truth that was almost impossible to face and yet I did it. I was able to do that because of the new found strength and courage I gained this year. I have grown so much as a person and that makes me so proud and so humbled all at once because it was not by my own decision to gain this new found knowledge and attain this new self-awareness about myself. I became inspired one night by a play that moved me so deeply, it forced me to unlock all those deep seeded feelings of resentment, anger and hurt that I had never truly come to terms with and was carrying around with me like chains on my heart. The darkness was finally revealed and I was able to face it all and confront it all. By doing that, I was able to move past all that negative stuff and am finally able to start to heal and move on from all that shit that was only holding me back. I am a new person. I have been born again in such a profound way and I am so grateful for that. And it is completely due to me watching the play underneathmybed. Every word written and every single scene of that play touched me in the deepest parts of my being and made me wake up to all the stuff that had been going on deep inside me that was controlling my life. I always wondered to myself why can't I break free of this anger and this rage. Why am I so sad all the time no matter what I do. Why do I feel so angry all the time? I knew the answers to none of that. I was lost, walking around aimlessly and hopelessly searching. Then, out of nowhere, it all hit me like a ton of bricks and I just kept having new truths revealed to me that I couldn't run from or deny any longer. I was forced to face the demons I had inside and in so doing, I was set free. I felt the weight I had been carrying with me lift off of me and it was almost immediate. It was such an amazing feeling to have the chains be unlocked around my soul and that I was able to finally step out of the darkness and into the light. I truly cannot express with any words out there how different I feel now. And people who have known me for years can bear witness to this transformation of mine. They even comment on how different I seem to be, especially how I handle myself now when things that before would have set me off on a temper tantrum of epic proportions. I just smile and tell them that I have changed. My whole perspective is different and so now I behave differently than I did before. It is called growth and I experienced it this year in a monumental way. I only hope that with the dawn of a new year, that only continues to be the case. I know I have a long way to go on this path to being the very best of who I am and I know that I will fall back into old and familiar patterns and still make the same mistakes as before. I also know that when that happens again, I will handle it far better and will come out of it stronger and better. Life is all about growth and change. The more we grow, the more we change. And the more things change, the more we grow. It is the natural process of life and I am now aware of that cycle and can consciously commit to making it a path of progression, instead of a path of regression. So here is to hoping that 2011 will simply be a carry over of the journey I started in 2010. I believe that with lots of focus and lots of dedication, I can go farther along this amazing new path to get to that place of pure, unadulterated bliss. I am going to give everything I have inside and I know that I will continue to grow daily as I learn more and experience more. I don't know that I can ever be more inspired than I was in October of 2010, but I know that no matter what, the doorway that opened itself up to me that ngiht will forever be one of the most poignant and significant moments of my life.
I hope each of you finds love, peace, and prosperity in 2011!!!
Happy New Year to all and be safe!!!
Mel
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
The Best Gift
Hello everyone!!! I hope you all had a very wonderful and blessed Christmas and that Santa treated you well and brought you everything on your wish list. I got most of mine fulfilled, except I was uber disappointed to NOT have the Michael Jackson Experience wrapped up with my name on it. I would absolutely go beyong insane to have the chance to actually dance like the King of Pop. Not that I would come anywhere close to that greatness but still, I would really love to try!! Oh well, there is always next year or there is my birthday coming up in just a few weeks (and yes that is a hint to all my friends and family out there). I got so many wonderful gifts though and the ironic thing is I didn't receive very many. I got more joy and pleasure out of giving than I got in receiving this year. It is so true that the greater gift is in the giving than the receiving. I had such a great experience and felt such an amazing sense of joy and happiness when I saw the smiles on the faces of my nieces when they opened the presents I got for them. To have them be so satisfied and happy made me feel on top of the world. I truly believe that I could not receive any greater gift in life than that moment of pure joy I received when I saw their reactions to my presents. That is what makes Christmas so wonderful. Those moments are the ones that I live for and love the most. Those amazing moments are so incredible that they make all the bad moments and the less than ideal moments worth it. Life is hard at times and can be so dark and sad and you can find yourself in the lowest valleys at times. But then you experience those moments that just make it all worth it. The moments that are so amazing it erases all the pain and overrides all the heartache and the bitterness. I find it so awesome to live those type of moments due to how alive they make you feel. I have had my share of disappointments in my life and I have had my share of pain but I know that going through all that rain and all that darkness makes me appreciate the sunny weather and the light even more. And my nieces' smiles are as bright as the sun on the brightest, hottest, most gorgeous summer day. And I wouldn't trade that moment for all the gold in the world. And I can also say that if I have to go through more pain and more heartache just to get to that type of moment again, I will endure it all. Because in my opinion, which is based on my nearly twenty seven years experience, life is one heck of a ride full of ups and downs and peaks and valleys. But every single second should be appreciated for the precious jewel it is. I don't know if any of you out there feel the same way as me but I hope if any of you are struggling through hard times and feel as if it is useless to keep going or it won't get better or it's too hard to keep going, just remember this: life is bittersweet but drink it up, every last drop.
Until next time
Wishing you all a very happy and safe New Year
Mel
Until next time
Wishing you all a very happy and safe New Year
Mel
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Today is one of those days I am proud to be an American
Today something wonderful happened in Washington D.C. It is a HUGE stepping stone in the right direction in the fight for equal rights for all citizens. The decision the U.S. Senate made to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell was way past time and I am standing up today and giving those senators who voted to repeal this ridiculously absurd mandate. For this rule to have been on the books for 17 years was unbelievable to me and many others in this country due to the fact that this kept soldiers from being who they really were and staying true to themselves. How was it fair of this country to ask these brave men and women to fight for our continued freedom but to make them hide behind the mask of DADT? It wasn't fair to them and I am still appalled that so many of these American heroes had to hide but I am very happy and proud to now know that no other soldier, both current and future, have to hide who they truly are. I don't care if a soldier is gay or not. He or she is going out and putting their life on the line for me. Why the fuck should it matter if they are attracted to the same sex or not? And for those people who say it will affect the other soldiers by the openness of one of their fellow comrades sexuality, I scoff at that notion. I mean, sure, some soldiers will have a problem with one of their own being different and being gay. That is the nature of life. Some people still have problems with homosexuals. But to hide it away and pretend it doesn't exist is not the way to handle the situation. We need to face the fact head on that there are gays in the military, just as there are gays in the arts, there are gays in athletics, there are gays in education, and there are gays everywhere. It is time we not only started to accept that but embrace that and the repeal of Don't Ask, Don't Tell is just the first step in that progression. I am straight but I stand gladly and proudly with all the millions of gays out there today who are celebrating this monumental decision by our U.S. Senate. And yes this is just the first step towards the ultimate goal of equal right for all people but remember, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Once more, to the U.S. senators who voted for this repeal, I give you major props and mad applause for doing what is right and for taking a stand against prejudice and inequality for our troops. God bless you all and you all will go down in history as being part of the march onwards to equality.
Friday, December 17, 2010
The Truth About Forgiveness
Hey everyone. I hope this finds you all in good spirits and in good weather. I had a heck of a time yesterday morning getting home due to the half an inch of ice that came down overnight in my area. I really don't like winter weather ever but especially not when it involves driving and walking on straight ice. But, I got home safely in one piece and I hope the same for everyone else.
Now as for the topic of today's blog, I would like to expand on what I was talking about yesterday. I have undergone a huge metamorphosis in my life in the past year and I have learned a lot about myself and the truth about certain things in life that I had been hiding from and ignorant about. One of the biggest things I have understood recently is the true meaning of forgiveness. I have always thought of forgiveness as someone coming up to you and seeking it from you. And I also thought that forgiveness was something an indiviual earned. I always thought of forgiveness being about the person who wronged the other person earning the other person's forgiveness. But now I realize that is not what forgiveness is about at all. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with the other person. It is about you and your ability to let things go and move past them.
I am sure you are asking yourself how in the hell can forgiveness have nothing to do with the other person? Isn't forgiveness about the other person apologizing to you and being sincere about hurting you? The answer is no. To forgive someone is about you choosing to no longer let that anger, that hurt, that resentment weigh you down and keep you from truly being happy and at peace. To not forgive someone only hurts you again in the end. If you don't forgive someone, then it keeps you held down and a prisoner of anger and hurt. Forgiveness is the key to breaking free and fnding true and everlasting peace.
I am not trying to say that it is an easy thing to forgive someone, especially when that person never even acknowledges they hurt you or wronged you. It is one of the hardest things to do in life to forgive and move on but like I said, forgiveness is not condoning what they did and it is not saying that it is okay what they did or that you agree with it. It is just a realization that no matter how bad what they did to you was, you can't change it. No matter how angry you are or how hurt you are, no amount of bitching about how you got screwed over or how badly you got treated will change it. It is in the past and all you can do is let it go. Don't hold onto all that stuff because, trust me, it will weigh you down and keep you from reaching the good places you seek. I know from first hand experience how deeply your anger and resentment can go and ultimately how bad it is for your own well being. I used to be a mean, angry, vengeful, and hateful person all the time. I was never in a good mood. I would get angry, and I mean in a full fledged blind rage about things and become uncontrollable. It scared other people as they always walked on eggshells around me. Hell, it scared me because I couldn't trust myself when I got like that. I didn't like that I acted that way but I couldn't help it. I had no clue why I was so full of rage but I was.
And then one day, something happened to make me go and unlock a door deep inside of me that was holding the secret to why I was the way I was. I was holding in anger and resentment towards my mother and my father and I was pissed off at how bad my childhood was. I hated that I didn't have the life I felt I deserved. I felt short changed and like life had treated me unfairly. I walked around with the largest chip ever on my shoulder and I felt like I was justified in my anger and so I took it out on anything or anyone rather than deal with it. By dealing with it, I had to admit to myself that I was just as much to blame as anyone else for my situation. I was using it as an excuse to not move forward and seek something better. I was being held back and some of that was on me. I was being the victim and I was enjoying playing the part. But the day that door was unlocked and slammed open in my face forced me to face these facts. I had to take accountablity for my situation just as much as my mother and anyone else I held responsible for my life being so terrible. And the fact is, I was being stubborn when I refused to let it go because I love being right and I can't stand to be wrong so that was creating an inability to forgive people for mistakes. I felt like if they wronged me, that made them the bad guy and me the good guy and that is just not true.
So, as I faced all this truth, I began to understand that the only way I was going to move on and be better and be happy and healthy was to forgive. And by forgiving it wasn't me absolving anyone of any sins. It was a conscious choice on my part to let it all go and accept it for what it was. I can never go back and make it different and so why complain about it? It was simply time for me to grow the fuck up and stop bitching. And since I have done that two months ago, I am a different person. I am better. I no longer carry all that anger and rage inside of me. I am in a much better mood and I find myself not getting so annoyed and/or pissed off as easy at the things that used to set me off big time. It really is amazing when I think on it how much our subconscious can lock away and keep from us yet all that stuff still surfaces in self-destructive, dangerous ways. If I didn't choose to forgive, I would never find the good things in life. Not forgiving someone only hurts you in the end. It makes you a bitter, hateful, miserable person that drags everyone else around you down as well. It doesn't help the situation. It only makes it worse. And I know you may say if they don't say they are sorry, then why is it up to me to forgive them? Because you forgive them to set yourself free, not the other way around. I don't believe in being fake or phony so I am not telling you to forgive if you don't truly feel it is for the best. But, in my case, it is for the best. I have been swimming around in the ocean of pain, anger and resentment for so long, I have nearly drowned on several occasions. And it is just not worth dying over in my opinion. I no longer see forgiveness as something that is earned by the person who committed the wrongs against you, but its you choosing to not let that sin committed against you destroy you. Let it go and move on. I can tell you from first hand experience, it will make you a happier, more at peace, less angry, and better person. And that is why you choose the path of forgiveness no matter how hard it may seem at the time. You can't continue to carry all that hatred around with you if you ever want to live a good and fulfilling life. So, in the end the question to forgive is not about the other person and if they are sorry but it is about you and how you want to live your life. That is the choice that you have to make for yourself.
Now as for the topic of today's blog, I would like to expand on what I was talking about yesterday. I have undergone a huge metamorphosis in my life in the past year and I have learned a lot about myself and the truth about certain things in life that I had been hiding from and ignorant about. One of the biggest things I have understood recently is the true meaning of forgiveness. I have always thought of forgiveness as someone coming up to you and seeking it from you. And I also thought that forgiveness was something an indiviual earned. I always thought of forgiveness being about the person who wronged the other person earning the other person's forgiveness. But now I realize that is not what forgiveness is about at all. Forgiveness really has nothing to do with the other person. It is about you and your ability to let things go and move past them.
I am sure you are asking yourself how in the hell can forgiveness have nothing to do with the other person? Isn't forgiveness about the other person apologizing to you and being sincere about hurting you? The answer is no. To forgive someone is about you choosing to no longer let that anger, that hurt, that resentment weigh you down and keep you from truly being happy and at peace. To not forgive someone only hurts you again in the end. If you don't forgive someone, then it keeps you held down and a prisoner of anger and hurt. Forgiveness is the key to breaking free and fnding true and everlasting peace.
I am not trying to say that it is an easy thing to forgive someone, especially when that person never even acknowledges they hurt you or wronged you. It is one of the hardest things to do in life to forgive and move on but like I said, forgiveness is not condoning what they did and it is not saying that it is okay what they did or that you agree with it. It is just a realization that no matter how bad what they did to you was, you can't change it. No matter how angry you are or how hurt you are, no amount of bitching about how you got screwed over or how badly you got treated will change it. It is in the past and all you can do is let it go. Don't hold onto all that stuff because, trust me, it will weigh you down and keep you from reaching the good places you seek. I know from first hand experience how deeply your anger and resentment can go and ultimately how bad it is for your own well being. I used to be a mean, angry, vengeful, and hateful person all the time. I was never in a good mood. I would get angry, and I mean in a full fledged blind rage about things and become uncontrollable. It scared other people as they always walked on eggshells around me. Hell, it scared me because I couldn't trust myself when I got like that. I didn't like that I acted that way but I couldn't help it. I had no clue why I was so full of rage but I was.
And then one day, something happened to make me go and unlock a door deep inside of me that was holding the secret to why I was the way I was. I was holding in anger and resentment towards my mother and my father and I was pissed off at how bad my childhood was. I hated that I didn't have the life I felt I deserved. I felt short changed and like life had treated me unfairly. I walked around with the largest chip ever on my shoulder and I felt like I was justified in my anger and so I took it out on anything or anyone rather than deal with it. By dealing with it, I had to admit to myself that I was just as much to blame as anyone else for my situation. I was using it as an excuse to not move forward and seek something better. I was being held back and some of that was on me. I was being the victim and I was enjoying playing the part. But the day that door was unlocked and slammed open in my face forced me to face these facts. I had to take accountablity for my situation just as much as my mother and anyone else I held responsible for my life being so terrible. And the fact is, I was being stubborn when I refused to let it go because I love being right and I can't stand to be wrong so that was creating an inability to forgive people for mistakes. I felt like if they wronged me, that made them the bad guy and me the good guy and that is just not true.
So, as I faced all this truth, I began to understand that the only way I was going to move on and be better and be happy and healthy was to forgive. And by forgiving it wasn't me absolving anyone of any sins. It was a conscious choice on my part to let it all go and accept it for what it was. I can never go back and make it different and so why complain about it? It was simply time for me to grow the fuck up and stop bitching. And since I have done that two months ago, I am a different person. I am better. I no longer carry all that anger and rage inside of me. I am in a much better mood and I find myself not getting so annoyed and/or pissed off as easy at the things that used to set me off big time. It really is amazing when I think on it how much our subconscious can lock away and keep from us yet all that stuff still surfaces in self-destructive, dangerous ways. If I didn't choose to forgive, I would never find the good things in life. Not forgiving someone only hurts you in the end. It makes you a bitter, hateful, miserable person that drags everyone else around you down as well. It doesn't help the situation. It only makes it worse. And I know you may say if they don't say they are sorry, then why is it up to me to forgive them? Because you forgive them to set yourself free, not the other way around. I don't believe in being fake or phony so I am not telling you to forgive if you don't truly feel it is for the best. But, in my case, it is for the best. I have been swimming around in the ocean of pain, anger and resentment for so long, I have nearly drowned on several occasions. And it is just not worth dying over in my opinion. I no longer see forgiveness as something that is earned by the person who committed the wrongs against you, but its you choosing to not let that sin committed against you destroy you. Let it go and move on. I can tell you from first hand experience, it will make you a happier, more at peace, less angry, and better person. And that is why you choose the path of forgiveness no matter how hard it may seem at the time. You can't continue to carry all that hatred around with you if you ever want to live a good and fulfilling life. So, in the end the question to forgive is not about the other person and if they are sorry but it is about you and how you want to live your life. That is the choice that you have to make for yourself.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
My Metamorphosis
Hello guys. I am back after a week respite. I am sorry it has taken so long but this past week found me extremely busy. I am currently working on two separate plays, trying to finalize the publication of my book, working on a short film,and I was also busy making some homeade presents which was WAY outside my element but I am trying to get into the mindset of doing things I am not comfortable doing and becoming more versatile in my skills. I know this seems like a lot of work and it is, but I simply love writing and find myself not thinking of it as work as all. I don't find myself dreading to sit down and write page after page of my plays or writing the script for my short film or getting all the details done for my book. It is fun for me. I guess this is what it means to be doing something you love to do and follow your heart and live your dreams. It means not waking up and being on edge or being in a bad mood constantly. Yes I do get in bad moods at times, but those times are few and far between now. I just don't view life the same way as I did before either. I am sitting here waxing poetic about shit but my point is that it is so amazing to me how finding that passion and letting that fire in your belly burn like a raging inferno can make you feel so much better and more alive. I feel for the first time that I am on the right path and that I am doing something worthwhile. And I can't help but smile, even if I am living life on my terms and no longer placating others. I am simply doing my best to be me. I still stumble and don't always make the best choices but I am a hell of a lot better off than I was last year. It is so amazing how everything happened for me at seemingly the same time. I became committed to losing weight and due to that journey, I have learned how to stay focused and follow through on a goal I have set for myself. I always used to say I was going to do so much with my life but I would never finish what I started. I would be enthusiastic for a week or two and then just get bored or lazy and walk away. The one thing I was great at was failing. But I have learned in the past year how to stay motivated and driven and I have gained so much more confidence in myself and belief in my abilities. I know that I can get wherever I aspire to be with hard work and determination. And that is such a change for me. But its a wonderful change. I have people ask me all the time what changed in me or how did I undergo such a metamorphosis and the truth is that it didn't happen over night. It took me a long time to turn over a new leaf and let go of all the anger and the rage and the insecurity I had. And the fact remains I still have that inside of me. The difference is that now I know how to approach those feelings and can handle myself better. And I get the people who tell me I am like a new person. I tell them so what? If that is supposed to be a bad thing or an insult, I don't see it. I am glad that I am a new person because I am. I don't have the same perspective or the same thoughts about stuff that I had before. And that is called evolution. Its called growing and maturing. I don't know how it is a bad thing to learn and grow and adapt into someone different and, dare I say, better. I guess other people look at it like change is a bad thing and I know the feeling. We as humans fear change because of what that means. It means going outside the comfort zone and taking a risk which is scary as hell. It is so much easier to stay in that box and never venture outside of it. But life is far more beautiful and more full of joy when you take a risk. I am a poker player and I am going to throw this metaphor at you. You can sit in a poker game and fold every single hand and stay in the game for a long time just by playing it safe. But I guarantee that if you want to win, you have to at some point take a risk and throw all your chips in the middle and hope that your hand holds up. Will it? Not always as sometimes the cards just don't come for you or they come for your opponent. But I always walk away from a poker game with my head held high cause I know I gave it my best shot and that I took a chance. That is all you can ever do. And losing is not failing. That is probably the biggest lesson I have learned in the past year. Just because you come out on the short end of the score doesn't make you a failure. The only way you ever truly fail in life is by not ever playing the game. By letting the fear of losing keep you from sitting in that chair and getting hand after hand dealt. Hell, even if you do fold every hand, at least you are in the game. Don't be the person that sits on the sidelines while the song is playing and think man I would love to go out and dance but I can't. What if people laugh at me? What if I trip and fall? And by the time you talk yourself into going out, the song is over. Don't be afraid to take a risk. The reward is in the risk. I live by this philosophy. I can live to be a hundred by playing it safe or I can die tomorrow taking a risk, and I know which road I am taking. I don't want to look back at my life in fifty years and say I could have done more. I want to say I lived. I bled. I hurt. I smiled. I laughed. I cursed. I had my heart broken and I broke some hearts in return. I cried, both tears of joy and tears of pain. But I lived. I didn't just exist. That is my way of thinking and I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. I understand the other way of thinking too. I used to be the person who would sit on the sidelines too afraid to dance or play the game. Not anymore. I don't let the fear overtake me or consume me. Life is precious and you never get a moment back once it is past so enjoy every last second you get. I know I am.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
The Art of Letting Go
Hey everyone!! Its hard to believe but it has been a whole week since the last time I blogged. I think that must be a record for me. I just have been so busy to even get a chance to sit down and blog anything. I have plenty to say cause well, I am full of opinions and thoughts and passion. I never have a shortage of topics. I am just trying to juggle about seven things at once which is NOT easy to do at all. I have gained a newfound respect for those people out there who can multi-task, day in and day out, and do it seemingly without any trouble. I have found in doing so many things at once keeps me from thinking too much and from getting bored, which is a good thing cause when I get bored is when I get in trouble.
So what can I talk about today? Should I tell you all about the play I am writing? No, I shouldn't because it is not something I am even thinking about writing but I am going to tell you about it anyway. I am going to tell you how it scares me shitless to write a play because its so far outside of my comfort zone. I am a poet, not a playwright. At least that is what my conscious mind tells me. And my conscious mind tells me I need a plan. I need to think about the story and the characters and how it will all fit together. But remember one of my first blogs was about not thinking so much? Well, this is the reason why. I can't think about writing a play because it puts too fucking much pressure on me to write. I feel like I am a failure because I allow my thoughts to get in the way. So I am not going to think about it. I have written so many pages since I stopped thinking about writing it or planning every scene out. This play is being led by something far stronger and more powerful than me. Its going wherever my unconscious mind takes me and I don't have any plan at all with the play. It will become whatever it is meant to be. I am not in control of the words that are getting put down at all and I am okay with that. It is the only way to write anything of substance in my opinion. When I write, I have to NOT think about it because otherwise the words will be hollow, false and fake. Anyone who reads it will see right through the hollowness and won't believe a word of it. So its been my experience that the best things I have ever written are in those times when I don't think about writing. I just let the inspiration simmer inside of my soul until it erupts out of me and then I just grab a pen and write or get to a computer screen and type or get a tape recorder and speak. I don't edit or think or second guess. I get out of my own way. And that is my advice on how to write anything, whether its a play or a poem or an essay or a book. Just stop thinking and let go. That is true of anything in life as well. Thinking too much is a bad thing. Life is about the feeling and if we spend too much time thinking, we miss out on the feeling.
The thing about writing is it has to be organic or it will not hold anyone's attention. The passion will come out in every single line of dialogue and in every single scene if the play is written from a place of honesty and truth. So you cannot write while thinking because when we think, our thoughts make us doubt and become afraid of what we are writing. We think Oh My God I can't write that. Someone might get offended. Well, when you let your imagination take over, it will take you to places that your fear can't touch. It will take you to places that knows no doubt or has any negativity or fakeness. It is a place of passion and light. That is where you have to go to write something of substance. If none of this is making sense to you, let me try this example. When you do a writing exercise called brainstorming, you do nothing but write. You put pen to paper for minutes at a time and you don't allow yourself to stop. You don't second guess or erase or edit. There is no censoring. That is what I am talking about when I say if you want to write something profound and passionate, let yourself go and stop thinking. Just write. Become a slave to the deeper part of yourself and let that be what guides you. Don't think. Just write. I know maybe I don't make sense to some of you. I get that some people write according to a plan and that is totally fine.........for them. But for me, I can't do that. I can't go this happens first and then this happens and etc., etc. I have tried to do that and trust me when I say that I sucked ass on those attempts. I fucking failed miserably trying to write like that. I tried to write like that...I really did but that process simply does not work for me. I remember in college, my English professors were so perplexed at my process for writing papers because I would never do an outline before I started writing. I would just take out a sheet of paper and begin to write. I would write an entire paper first and then go back and revise that and edit it. Then I would make out an outline at the end because for some reason, every single English professor demands an outline with the paper you write. They were like that is completely backwards. But I am just a person who thinks outside the box because, when it comes to writing, I don't think at all. I just feel my way through whatever I am writing. I am a non-conformist in every other aspect of my life so why not my writing too? I suspect many of my college professors have not had another student like me and that is not me being arrogant or egotistical, just honest. Most people I know don't share the same type of writing behaviors as I do.
I say most, because I know of a couple other people who do share this philosophy with me. And I was struggling with writing this play I am working on right now because of me trying to conform and be normal in how I went about writing it until I heard the best advice ever in "allow yourself to make a mess". As soon as I heard the amazing words spoken by Florencia Lozano (who by the way, I haven't yet mentioned in any of my blogs and that is very surprising as she is a HUGE source of inspiration in my life) I knew she got it. She pinpointed exactly how I felt about writing and it was so intriguing to hear her explain her thought process behind writing a play because it mirrored mine. I was just stunned and happily shocked to hear her answer to my question on how to write a play. It was just the kick in the teeth I needed to get with the program again. I knew what she said was the truth as I have written that way my whole life but I became afraid while writing this play and that fear consumed me. And then I made the mistake of thinking. I started analyzing everything and it started to become a chore for me to write and I began to dread writing it and so I would put it off. I was feeling so down about it and then the words I heard her say that night made me revitalized and ever since........my play is alive again. I am getting so much done with it and I am seeing so much progress without feeling any pressure at all. I am having fun writing it. I don't have a clue where it will end up and that makes me so happy because I know its on the right track again. I gave up planning it and now its all beginning to come together. It is amazing how that works, not just with writing plays but with life in general. The minute we stop planning every last second and just let go and start to feel is the moment we start living. And I personally feel so alive right now!!!!!!
Until next time,
Best regards to all
Mel
So what can I talk about today? Should I tell you all about the play I am writing? No, I shouldn't because it is not something I am even thinking about writing but I am going to tell you about it anyway. I am going to tell you how it scares me shitless to write a play because its so far outside of my comfort zone. I am a poet, not a playwright. At least that is what my conscious mind tells me. And my conscious mind tells me I need a plan. I need to think about the story and the characters and how it will all fit together. But remember one of my first blogs was about not thinking so much? Well, this is the reason why. I can't think about writing a play because it puts too fucking much pressure on me to write. I feel like I am a failure because I allow my thoughts to get in the way. So I am not going to think about it. I have written so many pages since I stopped thinking about writing it or planning every scene out. This play is being led by something far stronger and more powerful than me. Its going wherever my unconscious mind takes me and I don't have any plan at all with the play. It will become whatever it is meant to be. I am not in control of the words that are getting put down at all and I am okay with that. It is the only way to write anything of substance in my opinion. When I write, I have to NOT think about it because otherwise the words will be hollow, false and fake. Anyone who reads it will see right through the hollowness and won't believe a word of it. So its been my experience that the best things I have ever written are in those times when I don't think about writing. I just let the inspiration simmer inside of my soul until it erupts out of me and then I just grab a pen and write or get to a computer screen and type or get a tape recorder and speak. I don't edit or think or second guess. I get out of my own way. And that is my advice on how to write anything, whether its a play or a poem or an essay or a book. Just stop thinking and let go. That is true of anything in life as well. Thinking too much is a bad thing. Life is about the feeling and if we spend too much time thinking, we miss out on the feeling.
The thing about writing is it has to be organic or it will not hold anyone's attention. The passion will come out in every single line of dialogue and in every single scene if the play is written from a place of honesty and truth. So you cannot write while thinking because when we think, our thoughts make us doubt and become afraid of what we are writing. We think Oh My God I can't write that. Someone might get offended. Well, when you let your imagination take over, it will take you to places that your fear can't touch. It will take you to places that knows no doubt or has any negativity or fakeness. It is a place of passion and light. That is where you have to go to write something of substance. If none of this is making sense to you, let me try this example. When you do a writing exercise called brainstorming, you do nothing but write. You put pen to paper for minutes at a time and you don't allow yourself to stop. You don't second guess or erase or edit. There is no censoring. That is what I am talking about when I say if you want to write something profound and passionate, let yourself go and stop thinking. Just write. Become a slave to the deeper part of yourself and let that be what guides you. Don't think. Just write. I know maybe I don't make sense to some of you. I get that some people write according to a plan and that is totally fine.........for them. But for me, I can't do that. I can't go this happens first and then this happens and etc., etc. I have tried to do that and trust me when I say that I sucked ass on those attempts. I fucking failed miserably trying to write like that. I tried to write like that...I really did but that process simply does not work for me. I remember in college, my English professors were so perplexed at my process for writing papers because I would never do an outline before I started writing. I would just take out a sheet of paper and begin to write. I would write an entire paper first and then go back and revise that and edit it. Then I would make out an outline at the end because for some reason, every single English professor demands an outline with the paper you write. They were like that is completely backwards. But I am just a person who thinks outside the box because, when it comes to writing, I don't think at all. I just feel my way through whatever I am writing. I am a non-conformist in every other aspect of my life so why not my writing too? I suspect many of my college professors have not had another student like me and that is not me being arrogant or egotistical, just honest. Most people I know don't share the same type of writing behaviors as I do.
I say most, because I know of a couple other people who do share this philosophy with me. And I was struggling with writing this play I am working on right now because of me trying to conform and be normal in how I went about writing it until I heard the best advice ever in "allow yourself to make a mess". As soon as I heard the amazing words spoken by Florencia Lozano (who by the way, I haven't yet mentioned in any of my blogs and that is very surprising as she is a HUGE source of inspiration in my life) I knew she got it. She pinpointed exactly how I felt about writing and it was so intriguing to hear her explain her thought process behind writing a play because it mirrored mine. I was just stunned and happily shocked to hear her answer to my question on how to write a play. It was just the kick in the teeth I needed to get with the program again. I knew what she said was the truth as I have written that way my whole life but I became afraid while writing this play and that fear consumed me. And then I made the mistake of thinking. I started analyzing everything and it started to become a chore for me to write and I began to dread writing it and so I would put it off. I was feeling so down about it and then the words I heard her say that night made me revitalized and ever since........my play is alive again. I am getting so much done with it and I am seeing so much progress without feeling any pressure at all. I am having fun writing it. I don't have a clue where it will end up and that makes me so happy because I know its on the right track again. I gave up planning it and now its all beginning to come together. It is amazing how that works, not just with writing plays but with life in general. The minute we stop planning every last second and just let go and start to feel is the moment we start living. And I personally feel so alive right now!!!!!!
Until next time,
Best regards to all
Mel
Thursday, December 2, 2010
My Biggest Pet Peeve
Lingering in the fast lane. Drinking out of the carton and not using a cup. Wearing socks with sandals. Saying supposably instead of supposedly. And the list goes on and on and on. What exactly am I talking about? These things I have listed above are all the things that drive me to the brink of insanity (as if I need any push to get there). These are just a few of my pet peeves. I seem to have a lot of them and to list them all would require many, many pages and lots of time that neither you guys have to read or I have to write. But there is one in particular I am going to bring up today. It could possibly be the biggest pet peeve of all time in my eyes. It is something that drives me beyond crazy and I just can't stand it.
So what am I talking about? It is when two people are in a relationship and one of the two is jealous of the other's relationship with a third party. For example, if a married man gets a young assistant who seems to hang around the man more than the wife deems appropriate. Instead of trusting her husband completely and having faith in him, she becomes insecure and lets that turn into jealousy which then feeds into resentment. That in turn makes the two argue. The woman becomes distant. The man gets frustrated and looks to an outsider for comfort, i.e. the third party that was just being a little overly friendly but now has become his confidante. Do you see my point? If you don't, let me make it simpler for you. The wife made the situation way worse because she became insecure of another woman. She starts to doubt her self and the love he has for her. So she sees the woman as a threat not realizing that the true threat is herself and her own insecurity. She blames the other woman for ruining her marriage or creating problems where there weren't any. But the truth is that if the wife were secure enough in her self and her marriage, she would not become jealous. So she makes it worse by becoming jealous. I am not saying that if the man goes too far with the other woman and is unfaithful, that the wife is to blame. However, the point I make here is that why rake coals over the fire, if there is indeed one. If you trust your partner, man or woman, you should not let it go any further.
So, in my longwinded and wordy example above, the pet peeve I am talking about that most annoys me is when a partner says to the other, I trust you, its him/her I don't trust. I may be old fashioned or crazy, or both, but trust is a black or white issue. You either trust someone or you don't. I don't give a fuck if you trust anyone else in the world. I don't care if this other woman in the above scenario parades around naked in front of the husband and purrs to him to have sex with her. If you trust him, then you will have the faith that if that happens, he will tell her no thanks and walk away. That is what it takes to have a true and everlasting relationship. The type of trust that is eternal and solid. It can't be shaken by anything, not even third party infatuation. I just believe with everything I have in me that the problem with so many relationships is that the trust isn't there. The trust is on shaky ground so anytime there is another woman or man in the picture, the insecurity and the doubts creep in which leads to trouble. I absolutely hate it when a woman or a man claims that "that person is trying to ruin my relationship". That is a cop out if I have ever heard one. There are only two people who can ruin any relationship. The two people involved. Outside forces can cause friction and tension yes. But ultimately, it is on the two individuals involved whether they make it or not. Whether they choose to trust each other implicitly and choose to stand firm in their belief in each other is the measure of if they will last. No one else can break that apart. They can crack the foundation and then wait for the two to implode (which is what will happen if jealousy and insecurity creep in).
The other pet peeve of mine that goes along with this is whenever a woman is labeled a homewrecker for ruining a man's marriage. Excuse me, but that is just ridiculous. It takes two to tango as they say and the man bares just as much of the burden as the woman does, if not more. The man is the one who took the vows to his wife. The man is the one who chose to give into his temptation and his desire to someone other than his wife. So forgive me if I don't look at the man as some innocent pawn in the evil vixen's scheme to break up his marriage. He did that on his own. As I said above, even if she traipses around naked in front of him, he has the choice to stay faithful and walk away. He has the choice to prove you right when you trust him with all you have. He has the choice to break his vows. That woman did not say those words to you and promise all those things in front of everyone like he did. If my husband (if I ever decide to get married that is) or boyfriend ever cheats on me, he will face my wrath far more than the woman. I don't care about the woman to be frank. She is just an excuse he can use to try to explain away his behavior or to make the bad choice he made more redeemable. Well it won't work on me. I don't fall for that stuff. In my opinion, he chose to betray me for sex. Anything else he says is just bullshit. And that is all there is to it. So tell me how is the woman the homewrecker in this equation? The man and the woman are just as responsible. You can't have sex by yourself (well you can but that is for a totally different discussion). I just refuse to buy that the woman should bare any more responsibility than the man who should be held just as accountable. It is such nonsense to hear the term homewrecker, even if the woman intended to steal the husband. Even if she did everything she could to "ensnare him in her web", if he doesn't fall for it, it won't matter. She will fail. So ultimately, the true homewrecker in my opinion is the husband. But I better re phrase this whole thing right now since I don't want to be unfair or sexist. Women also cheat on their husbands. And if that is the situation, then the woman is a homewrecker because she stepped out on her husband and betrayed his trust, thereby breaking up not only the marriage, but the home. But that is the only time a woman could be considered a homewrecker. And honestly, I hate the term homewrecker all together. But if you are going to use that name, use it when it will make sense, and use it fairly to describe the cheating spouse, not the third party.
Those are the two biggest pet peeves EVER in my honest opinion. For some reason, society just doesn't see it the same way I do. But I have never played by society's rules so why the hell start now?
Until next time,
Happy Holidays
Mel
So what am I talking about? It is when two people are in a relationship and one of the two is jealous of the other's relationship with a third party. For example, if a married man gets a young assistant who seems to hang around the man more than the wife deems appropriate. Instead of trusting her husband completely and having faith in him, she becomes insecure and lets that turn into jealousy which then feeds into resentment. That in turn makes the two argue. The woman becomes distant. The man gets frustrated and looks to an outsider for comfort, i.e. the third party that was just being a little overly friendly but now has become his confidante. Do you see my point? If you don't, let me make it simpler for you. The wife made the situation way worse because she became insecure of another woman. She starts to doubt her self and the love he has for her. So she sees the woman as a threat not realizing that the true threat is herself and her own insecurity. She blames the other woman for ruining her marriage or creating problems where there weren't any. But the truth is that if the wife were secure enough in her self and her marriage, she would not become jealous. So she makes it worse by becoming jealous. I am not saying that if the man goes too far with the other woman and is unfaithful, that the wife is to blame. However, the point I make here is that why rake coals over the fire, if there is indeed one. If you trust your partner, man or woman, you should not let it go any further.
So, in my longwinded and wordy example above, the pet peeve I am talking about that most annoys me is when a partner says to the other, I trust you, its him/her I don't trust. I may be old fashioned or crazy, or both, but trust is a black or white issue. You either trust someone or you don't. I don't give a fuck if you trust anyone else in the world. I don't care if this other woman in the above scenario parades around naked in front of the husband and purrs to him to have sex with her. If you trust him, then you will have the faith that if that happens, he will tell her no thanks and walk away. That is what it takes to have a true and everlasting relationship. The type of trust that is eternal and solid. It can't be shaken by anything, not even third party infatuation. I just believe with everything I have in me that the problem with so many relationships is that the trust isn't there. The trust is on shaky ground so anytime there is another woman or man in the picture, the insecurity and the doubts creep in which leads to trouble. I absolutely hate it when a woman or a man claims that "that person is trying to ruin my relationship". That is a cop out if I have ever heard one. There are only two people who can ruin any relationship. The two people involved. Outside forces can cause friction and tension yes. But ultimately, it is on the two individuals involved whether they make it or not. Whether they choose to trust each other implicitly and choose to stand firm in their belief in each other is the measure of if they will last. No one else can break that apart. They can crack the foundation and then wait for the two to implode (which is what will happen if jealousy and insecurity creep in).
The other pet peeve of mine that goes along with this is whenever a woman is labeled a homewrecker for ruining a man's marriage. Excuse me, but that is just ridiculous. It takes two to tango as they say and the man bares just as much of the burden as the woman does, if not more. The man is the one who took the vows to his wife. The man is the one who chose to give into his temptation and his desire to someone other than his wife. So forgive me if I don't look at the man as some innocent pawn in the evil vixen's scheme to break up his marriage. He did that on his own. As I said above, even if she traipses around naked in front of him, he has the choice to stay faithful and walk away. He has the choice to prove you right when you trust him with all you have. He has the choice to break his vows. That woman did not say those words to you and promise all those things in front of everyone like he did. If my husband (if I ever decide to get married that is) or boyfriend ever cheats on me, he will face my wrath far more than the woman. I don't care about the woman to be frank. She is just an excuse he can use to try to explain away his behavior or to make the bad choice he made more redeemable. Well it won't work on me. I don't fall for that stuff. In my opinion, he chose to betray me for sex. Anything else he says is just bullshit. And that is all there is to it. So tell me how is the woman the homewrecker in this equation? The man and the woman are just as responsible. You can't have sex by yourself (well you can but that is for a totally different discussion). I just refuse to buy that the woman should bare any more responsibility than the man who should be held just as accountable. It is such nonsense to hear the term homewrecker, even if the woman intended to steal the husband. Even if she did everything she could to "ensnare him in her web", if he doesn't fall for it, it won't matter. She will fail. So ultimately, the true homewrecker in my opinion is the husband. But I better re phrase this whole thing right now since I don't want to be unfair or sexist. Women also cheat on their husbands. And if that is the situation, then the woman is a homewrecker because she stepped out on her husband and betrayed his trust, thereby breaking up not only the marriage, but the home. But that is the only time a woman could be considered a homewrecker. And honestly, I hate the term homewrecker all together. But if you are going to use that name, use it when it will make sense, and use it fairly to describe the cheating spouse, not the third party.
Those are the two biggest pet peeves EVER in my honest opinion. For some reason, society just doesn't see it the same way I do. But I have never played by society's rules so why the hell start now?
Until next time,
Happy Holidays
Mel
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