My Metamorphosis

Hello guys. I am back after a week respite. I am sorry it has taken so long but this past week found me extremely busy. I am currently working on two separate plays, trying to finalize the publication of my book, working on a short film,and I was also busy making some homeade presents which was WAY outside my element but I am trying to get into the mindset of doing things I am not comfortable doing and becoming more versatile in my skills. I know this seems like a lot of work and it is, but I simply love writing and find myself not thinking of it as work as all. I don't find myself dreading to sit down and write page after page of my plays or writing the script for my short film or getting all the details done for my book. It is fun for me. I guess this is what it means to be doing something you love to do and follow your heart and live your dreams. It means not waking up and being on edge or being in a bad mood constantly. Yes I do get in bad moods at times, but those times are few and far between now. I just don't view life the same way as I did before either. I am sitting here waxing poetic about shit but my point is that it is so amazing to me how finding that passion and letting that fire in your belly burn like a raging inferno can make you feel so much better and more alive. I feel for the first time that I am on the right path and that I am doing something worthwhile. And I can't help but smile, even if I am living life on my terms and no longer placating others. I am simply doing my best to be me. I still stumble and don't always make the best choices but I am a hell of a lot better off than I was last year. It is so amazing how everything happened for me at seemingly the same time. I became committed to losing weight and due to that journey, I have learned how to stay focused and follow through on a goal I have set for myself. I always used to say I was going to do so much with my life but I would never finish what I started. I would be enthusiastic for a week or two and then just get bored or lazy and walk away. The one thing I was great at was failing. But I have learned in the past year how to stay motivated and driven and I have gained so much more confidence in myself and belief in my abilities. I know that I can get wherever I aspire to be with hard work and determination. And that is such a change for me. But its a wonderful change. I have people ask me all the time what changed in me or how did I undergo such a metamorphosis and the truth is that it didn't happen over night. It took me a long time to turn over a new leaf and let go of all the anger and the rage and the insecurity I had. And the fact remains I still have that inside of me. The difference is that now I know how to approach those feelings and can handle myself better. And I get the people who tell me I am like a new person. I tell them so what? If that is supposed to be a bad thing or an insult, I don't see it. I am glad that I am a new person because I am. I don't have the same perspective or the same thoughts about stuff that I had before. And that is called evolution. Its called growing and maturing. I don't know how it is a bad thing to learn and grow and adapt into someone different and, dare I say, better. I guess other people look at it like change is a bad thing and I know the feeling. We as humans fear change because of what that means. It means going outside the comfort zone and taking a risk which is scary as hell. It is so much easier to stay in that box and never venture outside of it. But life is far more beautiful and more full of joy when you take a risk. I am a poker player and I am going to throw this metaphor at you. You can sit in a poker game and fold every single hand and stay in the game for a long time just by playing it safe. But I guarantee that if you want to win, you have to at some point take a risk and throw all your chips in the middle and hope that your hand holds up. Will it? Not always as sometimes the cards just don't come for you or they come for your opponent. But I always walk away from a poker game with my head held high cause I know I gave it my best shot and that I took a chance. That is all you can ever do. And losing is not failing. That is probably the biggest lesson I have learned in the past year. Just because you come out on the short end of the score doesn't make you a failure. The only way you ever truly fail in life is by not ever playing the game. By letting the fear of losing keep you from sitting in that chair and getting hand after hand dealt. Hell, even if you do fold every hand, at least you are in the game. Don't be the person that sits on the sidelines while the song is playing and think man I would love to go out and dance but I can't. What if people laugh at me? What if I trip and fall? And by the time you talk yourself into going out, the song is over. Don't be afraid to take a risk. The reward is in the risk. I live by this philosophy. I can live to be a hundred by playing it safe or I can die tomorrow taking a risk, and I know which road I am taking. I don't want to look back at my life in fifty years and say I could have done more. I want to say I lived. I bled. I hurt. I smiled. I laughed. I cursed. I had my heart broken and I broke some hearts in return. I cried, both tears of joy and tears of pain. But I lived. I didn't just exist. That is my way of thinking and I am sure I am not the only one who feels this way. I understand the other way of thinking too. I used to be the person who would sit on the sidelines too afraid to dance or play the game. Not anymore. I don't let the fear overtake me or consume me. Life is precious and you never get a moment back once it is past so enjoy every last second you get. I know I am.