Okay guys I am back. Yes, already. What can I say? I couldn't stay away from blogging for long. Blogging may actually be my new addiction (which at least I won't gain any weight by writing heehee). I just love to write and love sharing stuff with others and I apologize if its too much, but I will be the first to admit I am unabashedly long winded (we all have the things we were gifted with). And as you can tell, I can make a long story exponentially longer with my incredible and amazing gift for gab. But I digress. Back to the subject at hand which is the wonderful and exciting news I received today. I am a poet as I have already said, but I have never ever taken the plunge of actually trying to get published...........until recently. I finally had a life changing moment occur where I realized that what good was all the words I had spoken if I was not willing to share them with others. So I started shipping around my poetry to publishers. And I sent off my manuscript to two firms last week and I heard back from both today. The one publisher wants to get started publishing right now and says that my poetry is some of the best he has ever seen (but I do take that with a grain of salt because, well, he is trying to sell me his services and what better way than by buttering me up). The other publishing company said they will get back to me in about 10 days or so. So here is my dilemna. Should I go with the one that has already offered their service? I still have to go through the editing and marketing process and make a plan and, of course, pay for the service but he seemed genuinely thrilled about the prospect of my work getting out there. Or should I wait for the other one to contact me and then compare the two? Or should I maybe see if I can get two books published ( I honestly don't know if that is even allowed)? So many questions and yet, I can't stop floating across the sky with this news. I am on the cusp of success. I am on the verge of something wonderful, something amazing, something I used to only dream of. I am on my way to making my dreams happen and living my dreams. I am so deliriously happy right now at the thought, the mere prospect, of me being a published poet. How fucking sweet is that? I can't help but be super excited about this!!!!!!!! I feel like my life is finally moving forward and in the direction I want and need it to go. And I have done it on my own. I stopped waiting around for fate to intervene. I believe in fate totally and completely but I have also come to realize that fate is in our hands. Fate sets us up to get to the finish line but we have to be willing to go the rest of the way on our own or we will never get there. Fate only takes us so far. I am going the rest of the way. I am motivated and committed to getting this book published. Hopefully, very soon, I will be able to give out more detailed info such as title and release date. I won't know what to do when I actually see my name on the front cover of a book in a bookstore or online somewhere. What a fucking trip that will be!!!!!!!!!!! So, everyone please keep checking in to see when this first (of many more) will become available to you. I may actually start to post some of my poems on here and I am going to also start doing poetry readings on youtube as well. I just want to get the word out there to as many people as I can that my book is on the horizon.....................................................which is some kind of wonderful as yet undefined by my mind!!!!!
Until next time
Best regards
Mel
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
These are a few of my favorite things (that aren't good for me).
I have been sitting around thinking.......yeah I know I was supposed to stop doing so much of that. But, before you get on me too much and start reaming me out for lasting a whole 36 hours in my new stop thinking and start doing approach, hear me out. I have been thinking on other things that I do too much of, such as thinking and worrying. Those are two of my vices for sure. But I have many others and I need to bring those to light as well so that I can work on doing those less while I continue to learn how to stop thinking excessively and worrying so needlessly to the point my stress level goes through the roof.
Okay, now to my other vices. The things that I really need to focus on and try, TRY to change or at least modify. One of the biggest ones for me is dessert. I am a cookie junkie, yes I admit it. I am addicted to cookies. If you put a cookie in front of me, I will NOT be able to control myself. As my sister can attest to, I am the real life, breathing cookie monster minus the blue fur and the excessive rambling (although on occasion, I do ramble and sound like the cookie monster.) My sister and brother-in-law recently moved in with us and, I love my sister to death, but please please please STOP BAKING COOKIES SIS!!! I mean she is not helping curb my addiction. I am perfectly okay and can live without cookies and don't get tempted at all, when I don't smell them and see them up close and personal. But anytime I smell her baking some cookies, I run upstairs and just wait for that oven timer to go off, all but shouting "Gimme Gimme a cookie". I swear I should just paint myself blue and become the official cookie monster because when there are cookies around, I can't resist. I have no will power. I have packed on 8 lbs. since my sister moved in two months ago and that is because she is constantly baking cookies. And yes, if you are thinking that I am blaming this all on my sister, you would be totally right. Sorry sis, but its YOUR fault since you know I can't help myself. I mean is it my fault I am addicted to cookies? And yet, living with a cookie addict does not make you stop baking them. I am an addict and she is my enabler. Its just a fact. And let me tell you that the madness does not stop with cookies. Nope, my sister, the resident Betty Crocker also bakes pies. Yep, pies. If I am an absolute hard core cookie addict, than I am a pie junkie. I can't stop eating pie. It is my weakness for sure. In fact, when I die, just carve this on my head stone. Here she lies, the girl who LOVED pies. I am that sick. I need pie like most people need oxygen. Thanksgiving is approaching and it scares me because there is so much pie around during all those dinners I go to ( I don't think I mentioned yet that I am Amish and have like 800 cousins on each side and so the family get togethers are rather large) and I just love pie. Apple, cherry, peach, pumpkin..........or my personal favorite mincemeat. It doesn't matter. I love them all. Pie is just...............ecstasy. If you want to get to me to that place, you know the one I mean, give me some pie. Pie is like sex for me........... I am not joking either. I literally go weak for a slice of pie. And I just admitted to it so there is step one. Step two is actually having the strength to not eat pie when and if it is in front of me. I don't know how to do that. I need some serious intervention on this. Is there a pie anonymous out there anywhere? I need the number stat. Oh and I need for you sis, to stop baking that awesome pumpkin pie.
But its not only cookies or pies that make me weak. I love sugar. I crave it every day. I eat too much of it. Whether its the cookies or the pies or that bag of peanut M&Ms I get at work, I am always eating junk food loaded with sugar. And it makes me so mad because I lost 80 pounds and I got there by not eating that stuff. I had the will power for months, and now its all gone seemingly. I have to get that back. I have to tap into that place deep inside me that makes me NOT crave it, or if I do crave it, have the strength to not eat it. I have done it before and I can do it again. And I really am only joking about my sister being to blame. Its my fault. She has every right to bake that stuff and I hope she does honestly because what better way to test my will power and my strength than by having it around me and tempting me. If I can have it around me and can see it and smell it, but not partake in any of it, than I have succeeded. I want and need to succeed in this goal. I just do. So I need to stop being the cookie monster and that pie junkie who is longing for a sugar high constantly. I need to just stop. I will let you know how that goes for me.
But sugar and dessert is not my only vice. I wish it was but I have some more that are far more dangerous to my health than sugar, which sugar is bad for me but not as bad as some of my vices. I love booze, like I love it!!! I love drinking alcohol. I really do. I don't drink all the time, but when I do, I drink way too much. I am pretty sure I am the definition of a binge drinker. I prefer to drink at least one beer a day but the problem with that is I can't stop at just one. Drinking alcohol to me is like freaking potato chips: I can't have just one. I don't think I am addicted to alcohol though because I did not drink any at all for a long time. I stopped drinking entirely when I was trying to lose weight and I had a hard time with that. I missed drinking. So occasionally, I would still succumb to that desire with very bad results. I drink and drink and drink. I know my limit, but I choose to keep drinking anyway. And I spend far too much of the money I don't have on booze. Take last night for example. I went out with some friends who I had not seen in a while to catch up and we went to a restaurant and I ordered a beer to eat with my food. Well, before my food even arrived, I had that one drank and half of another. And since I have lost weight, I can't drink near as much before exceeding my limit. I used to be able to drink about a case of beer on my own. I could drink anyone under the table and I was proud of that. Now, I can barely handle two. But I had two last night, and then two became three. And I was out of it. I stopped thank goodness since I was driving and we sat and talked forever but I still didn't like the fact that I spent so much money on such a needless thing. Now, I am not saying that alcohol is bad or that you are a bad person for drinking because I don't believe that and I am not saying that. However, I feel if you spend too much time and money on it, it can become a problem that just adds to your stress level. I don't make enough money to keep spending it on alcohol. Especially considering I have places I want to go and dreams I want to achieve.
The other problem I have whenever I drink are the choices I make. I don't make good ones at all. Surprise right? Alchohol inhibits your ablity to make good choices. Well, in my case, its not just me making bad choices, its multiple bad choices that are dangerous to my health. Namely, whenever I drink, I smoke. I hate smoking. I detest the smell of it. I detest the taste of it. I detest the way it makes you smell and the way it stains your teeth when you light up a cigarette. I hate the way it blackens your lungs. But when I drink, I smoke. I can see myself doing it and I cringe but yet I still take one out of the pack and light it up and inhale. I want to smack myself when I do this but I just keep smoking instead. And the other thing I do when I drink that is bad is that I get really bulletproof. I don't just mean hahaha get up and dance on the table, funny, lighthearted kind of stuff. I mean real serious, dangerous stuff. Like jumping off of porches or almost getting in fights with other people because they looked at me and I took it offensively. I will do anything when I get inebriated and I won't listen to the voice in my head that says what I am doing is wrong. I hear it and ignore it. I like the feeling of losing all control and not being so predictable and safe. I want to be bad and dangerous and so I am. I do harmful, potentially self-destructive things when I drink too much. So, needless to say, I am not an alcoholic in that I have to drink or that it is all I think about. But I am definitely a binge drinker and I have the capacity to drink lots and the potential to do harmful and unhealthy things when I do. So I am really trying not to let that control my life too much.
So there it is. There are my vices I am going to try hard to not do anymore, or at least modify it so that I don't eat too many cookies or drink too much alcohol. I know I can focus enough and that I have enough will power to not give in to temptation, but I just have to find it. I seem to have misplaced it somewhere. I will get it back and I will stop being the living, breathing cookie monster. And I forgive my sister for baking so much. She can continue to be Betty Crocker and I will be a good sister and keep away from the kitchen.
Well this has been a revealing blog hasn't it? I seem to have said a lot, maybe too much? Anyway, I will be back later to blog some more.
Until next time,
Best regards and don't eat too many cookies (believe me I know how hard that is to do)
Mel
Okay, now to my other vices. The things that I really need to focus on and try, TRY to change or at least modify. One of the biggest ones for me is dessert. I am a cookie junkie, yes I admit it. I am addicted to cookies. If you put a cookie in front of me, I will NOT be able to control myself. As my sister can attest to, I am the real life, breathing cookie monster minus the blue fur and the excessive rambling (although on occasion, I do ramble and sound like the cookie monster.) My sister and brother-in-law recently moved in with us and, I love my sister to death, but please please please STOP BAKING COOKIES SIS!!! I mean she is not helping curb my addiction. I am perfectly okay and can live without cookies and don't get tempted at all, when I don't smell them and see them up close and personal. But anytime I smell her baking some cookies, I run upstairs and just wait for that oven timer to go off, all but shouting "Gimme Gimme a cookie". I swear I should just paint myself blue and become the official cookie monster because when there are cookies around, I can't resist. I have no will power. I have packed on 8 lbs. since my sister moved in two months ago and that is because she is constantly baking cookies. And yes, if you are thinking that I am blaming this all on my sister, you would be totally right. Sorry sis, but its YOUR fault since you know I can't help myself. I mean is it my fault I am addicted to cookies? And yet, living with a cookie addict does not make you stop baking them. I am an addict and she is my enabler. Its just a fact. And let me tell you that the madness does not stop with cookies. Nope, my sister, the resident Betty Crocker also bakes pies. Yep, pies. If I am an absolute hard core cookie addict, than I am a pie junkie. I can't stop eating pie. It is my weakness for sure. In fact, when I die, just carve this on my head stone. Here she lies, the girl who LOVED pies. I am that sick. I need pie like most people need oxygen. Thanksgiving is approaching and it scares me because there is so much pie around during all those dinners I go to ( I don't think I mentioned yet that I am Amish and have like 800 cousins on each side and so the family get togethers are rather large) and I just love pie. Apple, cherry, peach, pumpkin..........or my personal favorite mincemeat. It doesn't matter. I love them all. Pie is just...............ecstasy. If you want to get to me to that place, you know the one I mean, give me some pie. Pie is like sex for me........... I am not joking either. I literally go weak for a slice of pie. And I just admitted to it so there is step one. Step two is actually having the strength to not eat pie when and if it is in front of me. I don't know how to do that. I need some serious intervention on this. Is there a pie anonymous out there anywhere? I need the number stat. Oh and I need for you sis, to stop baking that awesome pumpkin pie.
But its not only cookies or pies that make me weak. I love sugar. I crave it every day. I eat too much of it. Whether its the cookies or the pies or that bag of peanut M&Ms I get at work, I am always eating junk food loaded with sugar. And it makes me so mad because I lost 80 pounds and I got there by not eating that stuff. I had the will power for months, and now its all gone seemingly. I have to get that back. I have to tap into that place deep inside me that makes me NOT crave it, or if I do crave it, have the strength to not eat it. I have done it before and I can do it again. And I really am only joking about my sister being to blame. Its my fault. She has every right to bake that stuff and I hope she does honestly because what better way to test my will power and my strength than by having it around me and tempting me. If I can have it around me and can see it and smell it, but not partake in any of it, than I have succeeded. I want and need to succeed in this goal. I just do. So I need to stop being the cookie monster and that pie junkie who is longing for a sugar high constantly. I need to just stop. I will let you know how that goes for me.
But sugar and dessert is not my only vice. I wish it was but I have some more that are far more dangerous to my health than sugar, which sugar is bad for me but not as bad as some of my vices. I love booze, like I love it!!! I love drinking alcohol. I really do. I don't drink all the time, but when I do, I drink way too much. I am pretty sure I am the definition of a binge drinker. I prefer to drink at least one beer a day but the problem with that is I can't stop at just one. Drinking alcohol to me is like freaking potato chips: I can't have just one. I don't think I am addicted to alcohol though because I did not drink any at all for a long time. I stopped drinking entirely when I was trying to lose weight and I had a hard time with that. I missed drinking. So occasionally, I would still succumb to that desire with very bad results. I drink and drink and drink. I know my limit, but I choose to keep drinking anyway. And I spend far too much of the money I don't have on booze. Take last night for example. I went out with some friends who I had not seen in a while to catch up and we went to a restaurant and I ordered a beer to eat with my food. Well, before my food even arrived, I had that one drank and half of another. And since I have lost weight, I can't drink near as much before exceeding my limit. I used to be able to drink about a case of beer on my own. I could drink anyone under the table and I was proud of that. Now, I can barely handle two. But I had two last night, and then two became three. And I was out of it. I stopped thank goodness since I was driving and we sat and talked forever but I still didn't like the fact that I spent so much money on such a needless thing. Now, I am not saying that alcohol is bad or that you are a bad person for drinking because I don't believe that and I am not saying that. However, I feel if you spend too much time and money on it, it can become a problem that just adds to your stress level. I don't make enough money to keep spending it on alcohol. Especially considering I have places I want to go and dreams I want to achieve.
The other problem I have whenever I drink are the choices I make. I don't make good ones at all. Surprise right? Alchohol inhibits your ablity to make good choices. Well, in my case, its not just me making bad choices, its multiple bad choices that are dangerous to my health. Namely, whenever I drink, I smoke. I hate smoking. I detest the smell of it. I detest the taste of it. I detest the way it makes you smell and the way it stains your teeth when you light up a cigarette. I hate the way it blackens your lungs. But when I drink, I smoke. I can see myself doing it and I cringe but yet I still take one out of the pack and light it up and inhale. I want to smack myself when I do this but I just keep smoking instead. And the other thing I do when I drink that is bad is that I get really bulletproof. I don't just mean hahaha get up and dance on the table, funny, lighthearted kind of stuff. I mean real serious, dangerous stuff. Like jumping off of porches or almost getting in fights with other people because they looked at me and I took it offensively. I will do anything when I get inebriated and I won't listen to the voice in my head that says what I am doing is wrong. I hear it and ignore it. I like the feeling of losing all control and not being so predictable and safe. I want to be bad and dangerous and so I am. I do harmful, potentially self-destructive things when I drink too much. So, needless to say, I am not an alcoholic in that I have to drink or that it is all I think about. But I am definitely a binge drinker and I have the capacity to drink lots and the potential to do harmful and unhealthy things when I do. So I am really trying not to let that control my life too much.
So there it is. There are my vices I am going to try hard to not do anymore, or at least modify it so that I don't eat too many cookies or drink too much alcohol. I know I can focus enough and that I have enough will power to not give in to temptation, but I just have to find it. I seem to have misplaced it somewhere. I will get it back and I will stop being the living, breathing cookie monster. And I forgive my sister for baking so much. She can continue to be Betty Crocker and I will be a good sister and keep away from the kitchen.
Well this has been a revealing blog hasn't it? I seem to have said a lot, maybe too much? Anyway, I will be back later to blog some more.
Until next time,
Best regards and don't eat too many cookies (believe me I know how hard that is to do)
Mel
Monday, November 1, 2010
Living for Myself and No One Else
So, here I am sitting at work...bored and all caught up with my work left alone with nothing but my thoughts. WOW, what a scary place that can be!!! I have always been a heavy thinker and at times, can be described as an over thinker. I tend to think things that no one else seems to think (probably because they aren't slaves to their thoughts the way I am). Whenever I get a thought, it just consumes me until I can no longer focus on any other task. It becomes an obsession to me....as if I have to think this through this very moment or risk going crazy!!! I am aware that thinking too much is a stressor and the last thing I need in my life is more stress. I already tend to hold onto things until I become prisoner to them. I am someone who just doesn't seem to know how to let it go and live in the now. I always want to think of things in the future, and when I say think, I mean worry. I worry too much. I think too much. I make myself miserable at times with how much I overthink and worry. And I need it to stop. I need to stop thinking and start doing. I need to live my life in the now because the now, the here and now, is all I have. There is nothing else. The future is not guaranteed to me and the past is forever gone. I need to stop letting my past sins (which are numerous and, in some cases, pretty egregious) go and stop worrying so much on the future and just live in the moment, and know that the choices I make in the here and now will directley affect my future. So why worry so much about something that I can make for myself by living for myself right now? To not be such a prisoner to my thoughts (although I don't necessarily believe that thought are a bad thing, just too many of them) and to not be such a slave to my worry over the future are the two things I am focusing on changing about myself. I am now self-aware enough of these two big negative aspects of my life that I hope to move beyond them.
The other thing I have decided to no longer allow myself to do is to let others speak for me or, worse than that, silence me. I am very opinionated and very passionate in the things I think and feel. But I have a horrible habit of not wanting to be confrontational in any way. I want to keep the peace, even at the expense of being heard or seen. I become invisible and silent and let others take my place in the spotlight. Now, this may sound selfish as it probably is selfish to think and say this but, I am tired of being ignored and not having my chance to speak up and be the person who has everyone's attention. I want to be heard because my voice matters DAMN IT!!! I need to be seen because I MATTER!! And I am through being silenced and being tossed aside. I have spent my whole life in the background begging, pleading, just hoping that somehow, someway someone would step in and say let her speak, let her stand forward. But no one ever did and part of that is my fault. See, I am now aware that I have to validate myself and make myself be heard. I was playing right into other people's hands by standing back and taking the road of least resistance and placating everyone. I just shut up because they told me to. Well, things have changed. I have my own thoughts, my own ideas, my own opinions and whether others agree or not, my feelings will be taken seriously. I am no longer naive enough to think I can please everyone, nor do I want to. I want to follow my heart and stand strong in my convictions, popularity and conformity be damned. I just want the life I deserve. And if anyone doesn't appreciate that or respect that, too bad. It is my life to live and my choice to make. I am the master of my own happiness. No one else is responsible for that. This is me going for what I want and for what I demand. If in doing so, that makes me selfish, well then I am selfish and wear that label proudly. Because I am burnt out and tired of being selfless and letting others control my life.
So, as you can see from the above paragraphs, I am very passionate about the things I believe in and I am no longer afraid to say it loudly and proudly. Heck, I will scream it out as loud as needed in order to get people to listen. I am not conceited or self-centered, but I have more self-confidence and a stronger sense of self than I have ever had before. So this is me world. For better or worse, I am throwing myself into the middle of it all and hoping that I get to that place I was always meant to stand. I will get there, or will die trying. And one thing is for certain, I will not sit back and wait worrying or thinking. I am going to simply start doing. I hope all of you out there start to do the same because life is way too short to spend it living for anyone else.
Until next time,
Best regards to all
Mel
The other thing I have decided to no longer allow myself to do is to let others speak for me or, worse than that, silence me. I am very opinionated and very passionate in the things I think and feel. But I have a horrible habit of not wanting to be confrontational in any way. I want to keep the peace, even at the expense of being heard or seen. I become invisible and silent and let others take my place in the spotlight. Now, this may sound selfish as it probably is selfish to think and say this but, I am tired of being ignored and not having my chance to speak up and be the person who has everyone's attention. I want to be heard because my voice matters DAMN IT!!! I need to be seen because I MATTER!! And I am through being silenced and being tossed aside. I have spent my whole life in the background begging, pleading, just hoping that somehow, someway someone would step in and say let her speak, let her stand forward. But no one ever did and part of that is my fault. See, I am now aware that I have to validate myself and make myself be heard. I was playing right into other people's hands by standing back and taking the road of least resistance and placating everyone. I just shut up because they told me to. Well, things have changed. I have my own thoughts, my own ideas, my own opinions and whether others agree or not, my feelings will be taken seriously. I am no longer naive enough to think I can please everyone, nor do I want to. I want to follow my heart and stand strong in my convictions, popularity and conformity be damned. I just want the life I deserve. And if anyone doesn't appreciate that or respect that, too bad. It is my life to live and my choice to make. I am the master of my own happiness. No one else is responsible for that. This is me going for what I want and for what I demand. If in doing so, that makes me selfish, well then I am selfish and wear that label proudly. Because I am burnt out and tired of being selfless and letting others control my life.
So, as you can see from the above paragraphs, I am very passionate about the things I believe in and I am no longer afraid to say it loudly and proudly. Heck, I will scream it out as loud as needed in order to get people to listen. I am not conceited or self-centered, but I have more self-confidence and a stronger sense of self than I have ever had before. So this is me world. For better or worse, I am throwing myself into the middle of it all and hoping that I get to that place I was always meant to stand. I will get there, or will die trying. And one thing is for certain, I will not sit back and wait worrying or thinking. I am going to simply start doing. I hope all of you out there start to do the same because life is way too short to spend it living for anyone else.
Until next time,
Best regards to all
Mel
Getting down to business
Okay, now that I have introduced myself and I have already revealed my political affiliation, let's talk about a very important issue that is upon us. That issue is voting. It is a very big decision for us to make and it is also very imperative that we make it. Our country is based on the ideal that every person has a voice and that their voice matters. Voting has been an essential and vital process since the beginning of our nation. We, as citizens, should feel compelled to get out and mark our ballots. Why? I hear that from people all the time. Why vote? It is not like my vote is going to make a difference. Politicians are all the same anyway. They lie and cheat and steal. I am not saying they don't or that it is not a valid point to feel helpless in the process. But we have but two choices as far as I can see. We can sit back in silence and do nothing to help incite change and then when it doesn't change or, even worse, it changes to our detriment, then complain about how bad the country really is. It is totally unfair to not take part in the process of choosing our leaders and the ones in the position to make this country better and then complain and bitch and moan when no change you like occurs. If you are serious about making a difference and wanting to see change, you will get off of your butt and get out to the polls. The choice is yours. You can sit back and maintain the status quo and feel that you as an individual don't matter enough to participate or you can take part and have your voice heard and be seen. It is true that you by yourself can't swing the ballot in the favor of the best candidate. It is one vote but don't look at it like that. Look at it like this. You can be part of the team of people who choose the right candidate who does manage to change things for the better. How amazing would that feel if you knew you were a part of something so special and great? To be a part of that process would be amazing. And it will not happen if you don't go out and vote and try to make a difference. After all, if you don't vote, you don't matter. I mean that metaphorically of course because of course you matter but if you don't go to the voting booth and make yourself matter, then you forfeit your right to bitch about anything later. So please don't silence your voice and make it easy to be ignored. Get out and vote for whomever you feel is the best choice to lead and make the best decisions going forward. I love this country and want to see it thrive. And it will prosper with the right leadership. See you all on the other side sometime (hopefully at the polling stations).
An Autobiography Summary
Hello to all. This being my first blog so we shall see how this goes. I am just going to give you a quick overview of my life story. I am 26, I am from a small town in Indiana and I am virtually the only Democrat in a Republican county. I am definitely an outsider LOL!!! I can describe myself in just five words: stubborn, loyal, opinionated, passionate, honest. I am a writer of all things and I love to entertain in any way, shape or form. I am in the process of getting my first book of poems published and I have lots of dreams left on the table that I will make happen. This is going to be my way of sharing it all with you guys. I hope you can and will find something in my posts that inspire you because the greatest gift we can ever give or receive is inspiration. Life is good, drink it up!!!!! I'll see you on the other side sometime!!!!
Mel
Mel
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