Hello everyone!! I feel like a stranger to this blog thing. I haven't written here in a few years and to be honest, I nearly had forgotten I even had a blog. But alas, here I am and here I am ready to write a new blog post after a long hiatus. And what has compelled me to write a new post is the subject of stifling personal growth and how we ourselves are the worst offenders of this. Society has its fair share of blame in the stifling of personal growth with the endless labels, constant judgment, and never ending shaming of anyone or anything perceived to be abnormal by society's absurd, hypocritical and impossible standards. But, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". And that's a personal truth we all must come to at some point in life if we are to find ourselves going down the path of personal growth to become the best versions of ourselves we can be.
The first step to this process of walking down this path is to totally and completely erase the word can't from our vocabulary. In my humble opinion, and in my life experiences, there is not a more self destructive, self sabotaging, and self stifling word in the english language than can't. This single word seems so small and insignificant until you realize just how powerful this singular word really is. It stifles our self belief and helps our self doubt grow into something that stifles us in all aspects of life. I hate to use too many quotes in this blog post based on my own independent thoughts but Cam Cameron (one time head coach of IU football and numerous jobs in the NFL) once said "whether you believe you can or you can't, you're right". Once more I will say he is spot on with these words because simply saying I can't is a self fulfilling prophecy that will undercut any and all self belief you may have. And I can say this with one hundred percent clarity based on numerous experiences I've had in my own life. I want to share these experiences of mine with you now to illustrate just how destructive and unproductive a single solitary word brings to individual.
Firstly, when I was in school, I always said I hated math. This is still true to this day. I hate math. It isn't something I'm very good at naturally. I don't have a natural ability to sit down and solve an equation with the ease of some people I know (shout out to my big brother Eric who can literally solve equations over the phone in minutes). I don't have a passion for the subject the way I have for liberal arts. And I really just didn't try at all and settled for just getting by because I told myself I just can't do it. I can't do math. And so I didn't. And that low math grade cost me a lot in my high school academic career as my GPA took a huge hit from that inability to bring home a solid math grade. So let's flash forward to a few years later when I was in college and had to take intermediate algebra. I was intimidated and afraid of this class at first because I told myself once again "I can't do this" and "I can't take this class because I will fail". But I ended up challenging myself to do my very best and put as much effort into this class as I could and see what happened. I would come home and spend hours studying, working problems and working problems again until I finally would get it. I would understand the equations. Turns out when I put the effort and the drive into doing it, I did it. I can do it. I can do it because I did do it. When I brought my final grade home and my grade read A-, that was the proudest moment of my life at that point. I had gotten an A-, me the person who barely passed math in high school, had gotten an A-. And I had grown. I had refused to say I can't do it and because I tried as hard as I could without undercutting myself with the negative I can't talk, I did it. And I grew up. I was on the path to self realization.
So the next example of when I didn't let the word can't stifle me is when I wanted to go on a trip to NYC. I didn't have anyone to go with me. I didn't say "man I can't go because I have nobody to go with me". Instead I booked my trip and went by myself. I didn't let anyone stifle me or hold me back from doing what I really wanted to do. I just went for it. And if I would've let myself say I can't go because I have nobody to go with, I would've missed out on that trip and the people I met during the trip. Travel enriches your soul, expands your worldview, opens your mind and eradicates any and all bigotry or prejudice you may have inside of you. Travel to me is a necessity because when you get bitten by the travel bug, there is no cure to the wanderlust you come down with. And if you allow yourself to stifle your dream of going places simply because you can't find someone to go with you or because you can't because you're too afraid or can't afford it, you'll never end up going anywhere. And you'll regret it. I have gone on many trips and on quite a few of them, I have gone with me, myself and I. I learned a lot from those trips about myself and with each trip, I gained more fierceness and strength and lost more fear and more self doubt. I didn't just say I can go on trips myself, I did it. And I am better for it. I grew. And I was on the path to self realization.
The third example of me overcoming my own self doubts and saying I can't is when I wrote a play. I had wanted to write a play for years. It was a dream of mine because I love the theater and I love writing. But I kept telling myself I can't write a play. I can't because I don't know how. So I didn't write one for years and kept that dream of mine stifled inside underneath fear, insecurity, inferiority and self doubt. Then someone amazing gave me great advice when I asked them what advice they'd have for someone who wanted to write a play for the first time. They told me to "allow yourself to make a mess" and to not let those voices of self doubt we always have about how we can't do it or this will make me look like a bad person and just write what the characters will tell you to write and go back and polish it up later. So I told myself I was going to write a play no matter what. Three days later, I had a finished full length play after never writing one scene of a play before in my life. I told myself I was going to do it, I didn't allow myself to say I can't do this, I ignored the negative voices in my head who said I can't and I'm crazy, and I did it. I wrote a whole play. Since then, I've written two more full length plays and a one act play plus have several more in the pipeline in various stages of completion. The sense of accomplishment I felt after writing the final scene was like nothing else I had experienced, not even when I got that A- in algebra. It was a feeling that was so profound, it made me cry tears of joy. I did it. I had accomplished a goal I had had for years and I did it in spite of my own insecurities and my own attempts to sabotage my success through letting fear win out. I blocked the word can't out of my mind and I did it. And I found personal growth. I was on that path to self realization to where I was born to be.
The last example I will write about here today is how I have found a brand new passion in my life that I never before thought I could do; that is the wonderfulness of cooking. I never knew I could cook. I always just said I can't cook and accepted it as fact. Then about a year ago, I really got into it. It was always the ultimate irony that someone like myself who has spent more than half of my life working in restaurants couldn't cook. I kind of thought there was poetry in that irony being a writer who appreciates good irony. But I had been stifling myself. I kept saying I can't cook when I never even actually bothered to put much effort into it for fear I'd mess up and be a failure. That is insecurity and fear of being inadequate talking. That is where the word can't comes from. The word comes from that dark place inside all of us that tries to hold us back from fulfillment because we aren't afraid of failing, we are actually afraid of succeeding. We seem to be okay with the status quo because that's the safe and easy road. Challenging yourself is scary. Doing things you thought you couldn't do is a terrifying prospect to all of us. We all have deep rooted fears of insecurity and inferiority. So we stifle ourselves by lying to ourselves about why we don't try things we want to try. We keep making excuses for why we don't do things and instead of digging deep inside of ourselves and facing up our greatest fears head on, we lie to ourselves to keep the status quo alive. But with myself just like in every other scenario I've ever challenged myself on, cooking became more than I thought it would ever be. It's now a passion so deep and profound, I am contemplating going to culinary school so I can one day live my dream of owning my own restaurant. I stopped telling myself I can't cook and I tried it. And I did it. And now I love it. I found personal growth through tremendous personal achievement in conquering my own self doubt and fear. And I am now farther along on that path to self realization I have always meant to be on.
And there you have it folks. That's my story on why the word can't needs to be eradicated from your minds. The amount of personal growth you will find if you do this is off the charts and personal fulfillment is just waiting for you on the other side of this obstacle that our own minds and subconscious have put up to keep ourselves stifled, to keep ourselves held back, so that we can play it safe and not ever fully challenge ourselves to be the best versions of us we can be. I've lived a lot of life and I can absolutely attest to the veracity of the saying "whether you believe you can or you can't, you're right". It's a self fulfilling prophecy either way. Choose wisely. Don't look back on your life in fifty years and wonder what if or feel the pang of regret that stifling yourself will bring.
Sunday, December 2, 2018
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
I haven't written an entry here in more than three years but that stops now. No more procrastinating or making excuses on why I have no time to do this. I want to be a professional writer and make my living at it. But I am a writer whether I am getting paid for it or not. I was born with the incessant desire and unquenchable thirst to write and let my creative juices flow from the pen (or from the keypad as the case may be) always. So I have no excuses to not come here and write. If I want to follow my dream and become what I've always been destined to be, I need to do one thing and one thing only: write. Write. Write some more. And not just write but share it with the world. That is what writing is meant for after all. The purpose is to share with others and to try and inspire in some way, some how. And so I write. It won't always be fascinating. It won't always be compelling. But it will always be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about what I am feeling, how I see things and what I am living. Sit back. Relax. Prop up your feet. Pop a top on the beer if you prefer. Or pour that glass of wine or milk. Enjoy the world according to me.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
When Coffee Isn't Just Coffee
Hey everyone. I hope this finds you all safe and well. Today I want to tell you a story, a story that is both true and hard to tell. It's hard to tell because of the truth it presents but its a story that needs to be told. I've held this true story back about myself for far too long and only now with the assistance of my therapist am I ready to reveal it. I am revealing this story about me because I want to be as open and candid about my life as possible. I've been guarded and held back much of myself for way too long. Truth doesn't hold you back, it sets you free. And I want to be set free. I've always held so much inside of me so tightly that its almost suffocated and choked me to death on more than one occasion. I need to let my truth be brought into the light so that I can face it, accept it, learn from it, and then let it go and move forward. So here's my story.
When I was in college I took a speech a class. And in this class there was a guy. From the very first day of class he and I just shared a connection. We began to talk before class every day and at some point we started walking out together talking. I knew he was married. He wasn't hesitant about revealing this fact. I can't say I didn't know or that he was lying to me about it. And I mean we were just talking. I loved talking to him and sharing things and I began to really enjoy his company. At some point, I don't know when or how, I fell for him. I really fell hard for him. But I knew it was wrong to feel that way about someone else's husband. So I kept my feelings to myself and we just kept doing our same routine. Towards the end of the semester, I believe there was about two weeks to go, he came up to me and confessed that another guy in my class who he talked to every day had a thing for me. He was too scared to say it to me though. Well, that shocked me because here is the guy I've fallen hard for telling me another guy has a thing for me. I didn't know what to do with that. I had no idea what to do or how to proceed. The next day of class, the guy I had fallen for asked if I wanted to join him for coffee after class. I knew I shouldn't. I knew this wasn't just coffee. I knew that this was more than just coffee despite myself trying to talk myself into the notion it was just coffee. My gut was screaming at me to say no and put a stop to it. But before I knew what had happened, there I sat across from him at the local Starbucks as he grabbed my hand and told me how much he cared about me and that he would love to be able to feel me up close and personal (note: I've edited this quote to make it far less adult than it actually was) and that he had fallen for me hard. This was it. This was my moment. I knew that this was one of those life defining moments. I could say yes and go down a very rocky, turbulent, wrong road with a guy who I had fallen for and who had me captivated completely or I could simply refuse and do the right thing. What was I going to do?
I sat there for a few minutes and I finally turned down his offer. So I did the right thing. I didn't act upon my feelings. But here's the truth that has been such an ugly fact to face for me, I wanted to. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and just say yes and suffer the consequences later. I simply wanted to just for once in my life throw my morals and my values out the window and just be with him. I was flattered. I wasn't disgusted or appalled at his offer. I was flattered. That's the fact that has haunted me for years. I wanted to be with another woman's husband and wasn't put off at all by what he was offering me. But I guess what I've started to see, with some professional assistance, is that no matter what I felt I did the right thing. Feelings aren't right or wrong. Whether or not you act upon those feelings whatever they may be is the issue. I wasn't wrong to feel what I felt because I really couldn't help what I felt but I had the choice to act on them or to walk away and that's what matters in the end. So my choice to walk away was right. And my feelings were just that. Feelings. I understand it all better now but I still do struggle at times with my feelings to begin with. I sometimes think I can control my feelings but maybe its just not possible for us as humans to control what we feel but the focus should be on the choices we make and the way we behave no matter our feelings.
And what about that other guy? The one who had a thing for me way back then. I never did take a chance on him. I approached him half-heartedly once and I never tried again. And our class ended. And I always wondered if I screwed up being so into this other unavailable guy that I overlooked the available guy who was ready willing and able who was right in front of me the whole time. I saw him about a year later and I thought was this fate giving me another chance? I decided to approach him when suddenly I realized he was with another girl. Oh the cruel irony of it all. I had my chance and as I look back on that class, I realize this guy did have a thing for me. It's obvious to me now the way he looked at me while I was giving my speeches and how he always asked me questions after I was done. And it just makes me sad. And upset. I beat myself up a lot for not seeing what was so clear and never giving it a chance because instead I was focused on some guy I was never going to have nor should have even been focused on. But you know what? As I realize now, that's just life. It doesn't make sense all the time. There are times we focus our energy and dedicate ourselves to the wrong people and things all the while we let other people and things slip right through the cracks. It's just a part of it all. It sucks. Its ugly. But it is what it is. Nayely Saldana is quoted as saying "we met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson." Some people we meet are brought into our lives for a lesson. I believe that this is what these two guys were for me. They were surrounding me to teach me something. Now have I learned? That's the question. I think I am still in the process of learning what exactly the lessons were that I needed to know. But I have begun to pull those lessons out and with each day that passes I am getting closer to getting it.
As for those two guys, every so often seemingly out of nowhere I will go back and remember. I can still remember so vividly everything about that time of my life regarding their features which is really odd with the guy I never even had a real conversation with. I don't remember anyone else in my speech class or what my professor looked like but I can tell you what both of these guys looked like, and I can remember exactly how I felt and thought at the time going through it all. I used to look at this time and coil up in disgust and agony over what I didn't want to face. But with time and with reflection, the more I open up about what transpired and face the full truth, I don't look at this event as a regret. I look at it as a life altering event that has molded me and helped me on the road to who I am and will continue to help me become who I need to be. So it's not something I am ashamed of now and I can tell because I am sharing this all in detail on my blog. That would've never happened a couple years ago. So I am growing and evolving and that's always a good thing. The truth can be ugly at first but as you confront it directly and go through it, it suddenly doesn't seem so ugly or scary. Just face it and you never know what you might find.
Until next time,
Thanks for reading
Mel
When I was in college I took a speech a class. And in this class there was a guy. From the very first day of class he and I just shared a connection. We began to talk before class every day and at some point we started walking out together talking. I knew he was married. He wasn't hesitant about revealing this fact. I can't say I didn't know or that he was lying to me about it. And I mean we were just talking. I loved talking to him and sharing things and I began to really enjoy his company. At some point, I don't know when or how, I fell for him. I really fell hard for him. But I knew it was wrong to feel that way about someone else's husband. So I kept my feelings to myself and we just kept doing our same routine. Towards the end of the semester, I believe there was about two weeks to go, he came up to me and confessed that another guy in my class who he talked to every day had a thing for me. He was too scared to say it to me though. Well, that shocked me because here is the guy I've fallen hard for telling me another guy has a thing for me. I didn't know what to do with that. I had no idea what to do or how to proceed. The next day of class, the guy I had fallen for asked if I wanted to join him for coffee after class. I knew I shouldn't. I knew this wasn't just coffee. I knew that this was more than just coffee despite myself trying to talk myself into the notion it was just coffee. My gut was screaming at me to say no and put a stop to it. But before I knew what had happened, there I sat across from him at the local Starbucks as he grabbed my hand and told me how much he cared about me and that he would love to be able to feel me up close and personal (note: I've edited this quote to make it far less adult than it actually was) and that he had fallen for me hard. This was it. This was my moment. I knew that this was one of those life defining moments. I could say yes and go down a very rocky, turbulent, wrong road with a guy who I had fallen for and who had me captivated completely or I could simply refuse and do the right thing. What was I going to do?
I sat there for a few minutes and I finally turned down his offer. So I did the right thing. I didn't act upon my feelings. But here's the truth that has been such an ugly fact to face for me, I wanted to. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and just say yes and suffer the consequences later. I simply wanted to just for once in my life throw my morals and my values out the window and just be with him. I was flattered. I wasn't disgusted or appalled at his offer. I was flattered. That's the fact that has haunted me for years. I wanted to be with another woman's husband and wasn't put off at all by what he was offering me. But I guess what I've started to see, with some professional assistance, is that no matter what I felt I did the right thing. Feelings aren't right or wrong. Whether or not you act upon those feelings whatever they may be is the issue. I wasn't wrong to feel what I felt because I really couldn't help what I felt but I had the choice to act on them or to walk away and that's what matters in the end. So my choice to walk away was right. And my feelings were just that. Feelings. I understand it all better now but I still do struggle at times with my feelings to begin with. I sometimes think I can control my feelings but maybe its just not possible for us as humans to control what we feel but the focus should be on the choices we make and the way we behave no matter our feelings.
And what about that other guy? The one who had a thing for me way back then. I never did take a chance on him. I approached him half-heartedly once and I never tried again. And our class ended. And I always wondered if I screwed up being so into this other unavailable guy that I overlooked the available guy who was ready willing and able who was right in front of me the whole time. I saw him about a year later and I thought was this fate giving me another chance? I decided to approach him when suddenly I realized he was with another girl. Oh the cruel irony of it all. I had my chance and as I look back on that class, I realize this guy did have a thing for me. It's obvious to me now the way he looked at me while I was giving my speeches and how he always asked me questions after I was done. And it just makes me sad. And upset. I beat myself up a lot for not seeing what was so clear and never giving it a chance because instead I was focused on some guy I was never going to have nor should have even been focused on. But you know what? As I realize now, that's just life. It doesn't make sense all the time. There are times we focus our energy and dedicate ourselves to the wrong people and things all the while we let other people and things slip right through the cracks. It's just a part of it all. It sucks. Its ugly. But it is what it is. Nayely Saldana is quoted as saying "we met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson." Some people we meet are brought into our lives for a lesson. I believe that this is what these two guys were for me. They were surrounding me to teach me something. Now have I learned? That's the question. I think I am still in the process of learning what exactly the lessons were that I needed to know. But I have begun to pull those lessons out and with each day that passes I am getting closer to getting it.
As for those two guys, every so often seemingly out of nowhere I will go back and remember. I can still remember so vividly everything about that time of my life regarding their features which is really odd with the guy I never even had a real conversation with. I don't remember anyone else in my speech class or what my professor looked like but I can tell you what both of these guys looked like, and I can remember exactly how I felt and thought at the time going through it all. I used to look at this time and coil up in disgust and agony over what I didn't want to face. But with time and with reflection, the more I open up about what transpired and face the full truth, I don't look at this event as a regret. I look at it as a life altering event that has molded me and helped me on the road to who I am and will continue to help me become who I need to be. So it's not something I am ashamed of now and I can tell because I am sharing this all in detail on my blog. That would've never happened a couple years ago. So I am growing and evolving and that's always a good thing. The truth can be ugly at first but as you confront it directly and go through it, it suddenly doesn't seem so ugly or scary. Just face it and you never know what you might find.
Until next time,
Thanks for reading
Mel
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Willful Ignorance Isn't Bliss
Hello again everyone. Greetings to you from chilly November southwestern Indiana. Hope you guys are well. The topic of my blog today is actually inspired by a friend of mine's twitter conversation with another about people who claim the Holocaust didn't really happen and how that "opinion" is shared openly in college classrooms in a discussion about religion. My dear friend is Jewish and so of course naturally this guy assumed that her whole beef with him was simply because she's Jewish, and for no other reason. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not just Jewish people who are highly offended and completely appalled by this "opinion". As you've noticed by now I put opinion in quotes because to me this is not a valid opinion. I do my best to be as open minded and non judgmental as I can and understand that we all have our own viewpoints in life and it's many issues. But see, there are some things I just don't find to be relevant, valid viewpoints. And chief among these is willful ignorance, which is what you have to have if you believe that the Holocaust never happened and it was some big elaborate hoax perpetrated by Jews to get sympathy or whatever your particular crazy illogical nonsense belief is. See, you are denying an absolute historical fact. It's a fact. To try and make it anything else is beyond ridiculous and every time you spew that nonsense out of your mouth you slap the faces of every single Jew who had to endure the agony and the suffrage of those atrocious years. Every single time you deny this despicable event occurred you are mocking the families of those survivors of this event who have listened to their loved ones account the horrid details and who have had to comfort them while they relive those disgusting memories over and over again. I remember being so naïve to the fact that holocaust deniers existed. I truly never imagined that anyone could deny something like that. To me, denying the holocaust is akin to denying history. So imagine my complete and utter shock when I too was sitting in my college ethics class and we got on the subject of climate change and people who denied it's existence and impact on the earth when suddenly this one guy started talking about how there are many great hoaxes out there designed to manipulate the masses, chief among them the landing on the moon and the holocaust. Now, he had me with the landing on the moon being a hoax because I thought that was pretty ridiculous but when he had the audacity to say out loud that the holocaust was a hoax, I couldn't even form any words for a minute. When I finally did speak, I just said how offensive it was to claim that was a hoax and how could he think something so repulsive? He was smug himself and asked me if I was Jewish to which I responded that I am a Christian but my religious views have no bearing on your ignorance. That was all I said. It was all I could say to keep from getting into a fight with him cause I think I would have. As I walked back to my car and drove home, I just remember feeling so angry and so offended at the blatant disrespect and the extreme ignorance of this man. Then I realized something even more disturbing: he wasn't the only one who felt this way. He got this idea from somewhere else through some other person. That's when I realized just how bad this was. That people actually believe this and speak it out loud and get others to follow their teachings, to hell with what history proves otherwise, boggled my mind. I mean, do they really believe that over six million people weren't just exterminated by order of Hitler? They think the survivors who lived in concentration camps are just making it up? They were really on vacation somewhere? I just can't understand that kind of ignorance and I don't want to either. I never want to understand the way that kind of warped thinking works. The biggest issue for me is that these people think it's only Jewish people who could ever possibly be offended by or disgusted by their words and their beliefs. Do they honestly not comprehend that there are people out there like me who are not Jewish who just are utterly offended by their ignorance and their disrespect? It's similar to those people who think the only people offended by the use of the six letter racial epithet starting with the letter n are black people. I'm deeply offended by that term as well. And not that this is on the same level at all, but the ignorance shown when guys automatically think a woman is upset with them because its their time of the month is a smaller example of what I'm talking about. I don't know in that case if anyone besides me is offended by that ignorance but my point is that I am offended by ignorance, but actually I am offended by willful ignorance. We are all ignorant on things until we are educated but once we gather the facts and are educated and then we still refuse to accept those facts and form another "opinion" we are willfully ignorant. There is an anonymous quote that sums this all up quite eloquently, "we are all entitled to our own opinion but not to our own facts." The fact is the Holocaust, a systematic extermination of one group of people, happened. It's a documented historical fact. To form any other opinion or form any other conclusion is being willfully woefully ignorant and I cannot respect that opinion at all. I sincerely hope that anyone out there who is being willfully ignorant will at some point see the light and understand the error in their way of thinking.
Until next time,
Mel
Until next time,
Mel
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Guilty No Longer
Hello everyone. I hope this finds you all happy and well. Today I want to tell you about the breakthrough I had at therapy this week. I discovered something about me that at first knocked the wind out of me because of the sudden wave of clarity it brought to me and the absolute randomness of it. We were sitting in my session talking about something completely different when suddenly the overwhelming knowledge that I wasn't to blame for my cousin's death hit me. I have previously written about how I carry the guilt of her death around with me and how I can't let go of that guilt in my heart even though in my head, I knew I wasn't responsible in the least for it. But I have spent the last four years torturing myself over the thought that I could have done something, anything at all, to change the outcome of that tragic day in July 2009. The guilt I felt was all consuming. I couldn't see past it. I couldn't escape it. It was as much a part of me as my heart and soul are a part of me. So, when this feeling of clarity came over me, it threw me for a loop. I had no idea why I suddenly felt it, not just knowing it in my head, but actually feeling it and knowing it in my heart. I stopped the conversation I was having with my therapist and told her exactly what had just occurred. We then spent the rest of the session, about twenty minutes or so, talking about this new development. It was the strangest occurrence of my life quite honestly. But it was one of the greatest single moments of my life as well. And what I really want to talk about now is freedom. True, genuine, actual, spiritual freedom. I have never even known this kind of freedom could exist. The chains in my heart that wrapped all the way to the farthest reaches of my soul just fell away and suddenly I was free. The cell door flung open wide and my pardon had been signed. But I still couldn't quite understand how this happened. When did this truth reveal itself to me? And me being the type of person who has an insatiable curiosity, these answers were something I had to find. But it didn't take me long. What I felt inside of me was the reality of the situation. There was nothing I could do to stop what happened to her. And the past four years I had spent trying to find someway to forgive myself for that unforgivable mistake. But the thing is, and this hit me suddenly as lightning strikes a tree, was that wasn't the proper question to ask. How do I forgive myself? The right question was how do I stop blaming myself for something I had no control over? I didn't even answer that question consciously. Somewhere in my subconscious mind, which can be full of darkness and can be a master manipulator, the truth revealed itself to me. I didn't need to forgive myself. I needed to stop blaming myself. And I did. One of my biggest weaknesses is my inability to let myself off the hook for the mistakes I've made in my life. And I thought what I had done, or not done in this case, was something I couldn't let go of or let myself off the hook for. But now I get that there is a difference between forgiving yourself and not blaming yourself. That seems so obvious doesn't it? But at the time, before this moment of clarity hit me, I couldn't see that or understand the difference. And that understanding has made all the difference in my life. I now am free. I now have no bondage of guilt keeping me down. I don't hurt any more over what happened though I do still miss my cousin every day. But I don't have the guilt inside of me. That monster is gone. And that's a wonderful reality to live in. I don't want to ever go back into that prison of darkness. With this lesson I've learned through this process of mine that I didn't even realize I was going through, I won't go back to that place. That's life isn't it? We are all works in progress doing our best to be our best. And we all just have to take it one day at a time and hope that in the end, the lessons we learn help us reach the zenith of our potential as people. I wish that for all of us on this earth. It's been a long, hard, difficult journey to get to this place of understanding and there were definitely some very ugly moments involved. But what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I embrace my strength and look forward to the next step in this journey along life's pathway.
Until next time,
Do your best to be your best.
Mel
Until next time,
Do your best to be your best.
Mel
Monday, September 30, 2013
Forgiveness Is The Path to Pursue
Hello everyone. I hope this finds you in good health and good spirits even if it is Monday. As those of you who have kept up with this blog all ready know, I spend a lot of time on twitter. Sometimes the craziness and drama is hard to deal with but there are definitely times when I see lots of wisdom and gives me great inspiration and motivation to share some of my own personal wisdom with you. And today I'd like to tell you about forgiveness. And why forgiving others even when they don't apologize is such an imperative process in the pursuit of happiness.
I saw this quote on twitter today from Robert Brault "life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got". This is one of the truest words I've ever seen written. And I know this from my own personal experience. I spent many years living in bitterness and anger because of the wrongs committed against me. I felt that I was owed an apology and that people who hurt me should seek redemption and come to me on bended knee in regret and full of contrition. But that never happened and as each day came and went, the more bitter I became. The resentment would grow deeper and I became angrier and angrier. And it turned me into a very angry, unpleasant and bitter shell of a person. People would walk on eggshells around me due to my unpredictable volatile attitude. One minute I'd be fine. The next I'd be on the war path and take out all my frustration and pain onto one unsuspecting and undeserving person after the next. I made everyone around me miserable because misery really does love company. Many of my relationships with people suffered severely and occasionally my inability to let go of the past sins committed by others towards me created an untenable situation where the relationship was forever ruined. When I think back on the many years I spent wasted and all the relationships that I sabotaged due to this, it really does make me quite sad. But in the last several years, I've slowly began to understand that forgiveness is the way out. The way to unburden yourself and release yourself from the spiritual and emotional prison you become trapped in is to forgive. I have learned that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. Whether they seek forgiveness and are repentant in their behavior towards you or whether they ever even acknowledge their shortcomings towards you has nothing to do with whether you forgive them or not. Forgiveness is about you and moving forward with your life. You cannot focus on the future and take any steps forward if you continue to live in the past and hold onto all that anger and resentment of others. It's not possible. You hold yourself back and punish yourself daily by never forgiving and waiting around for that apology from them. Those people who hurt you are not affected negatively by your inability to forgive them in the least. The only person lack of forgiveness hurts is you. Nobody else will ever suffer or be imprisoned by being unforgiving besides you. And it's all your choice. I've finally understood that me living in anger and bitterness was a choice I made when I refused to forgive others. I'm not saying that it's my fault or my choice that people hurt me or that they wronged me in some way because that's not the case at all. But me choosing to allow them to continue to hurt me over and over again by making what they did affect me so negatively that it turns me into a bitter, miserable person that makes everyone around me miserable is all on me. That's my own choice and my own mistake. I allowed them to control me. I allowed them to keep me locked up and I gave them permission to take possession of my thoughts and feelings all because I could not let the past go and take steps forward away from all the hurt and the pain and the anger. I literally waited and waited and waited for years for an apology that didn't come and was never going to come. But now, I realize and recognize that if I want to go where I want to go in life and if I want to be free to be who I want to be, I need to accept that apology. I am able to move on when I do that. I'm not saying its easy. It's a challenge to accept that and to forgive them even when they don't even recognize how badly they wronged you. but it's an absolute necessity to do this if you want to reach a place of positivity, light and bliss. If you want to take control of your life completely you have to be able to forgive those who may not deserve it but again, it's not about them. You deserve it. You deserve to not have that weight on your shoulders or those chains wrapped around your soul. You deserve happiness and all the best life has to offer. And you cannot get there if you refuse to forgive others. Believe me, I know this for a fact. Until I began to forgive others and accept their apologies even without their asking for it, I was just a mess. I wasn't in a good place and I allowed so much bitterness to destroy so much good in my life. This is the most important life lesson I've ever learned. Forgiveness is the key for unlocking that door to the future filled with your happiness and the key to unlocking all your dreams. So I have to agree with Robert Brault completely and wholeheartedly. Life does become easier when you learn to accept that apology you never got and most likely will never get. If you have any resentment or hold any grudges towards anyone in your life, forgive them and let it go. Don't do it for them because they deserve it. Do it for you because you deserve it. To me, forgiveness means letting go so that you can stop walking with your feet and mind in the past. It's the way forward into a kind of life you've always wanted and have always deserved.
Until next time,
Do well. Be well.
Mel
I saw this quote on twitter today from Robert Brault "life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got". This is one of the truest words I've ever seen written. And I know this from my own personal experience. I spent many years living in bitterness and anger because of the wrongs committed against me. I felt that I was owed an apology and that people who hurt me should seek redemption and come to me on bended knee in regret and full of contrition. But that never happened and as each day came and went, the more bitter I became. The resentment would grow deeper and I became angrier and angrier. And it turned me into a very angry, unpleasant and bitter shell of a person. People would walk on eggshells around me due to my unpredictable volatile attitude. One minute I'd be fine. The next I'd be on the war path and take out all my frustration and pain onto one unsuspecting and undeserving person after the next. I made everyone around me miserable because misery really does love company. Many of my relationships with people suffered severely and occasionally my inability to let go of the past sins committed by others towards me created an untenable situation where the relationship was forever ruined. When I think back on the many years I spent wasted and all the relationships that I sabotaged due to this, it really does make me quite sad. But in the last several years, I've slowly began to understand that forgiveness is the way out. The way to unburden yourself and release yourself from the spiritual and emotional prison you become trapped in is to forgive. I have learned that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person. Whether they seek forgiveness and are repentant in their behavior towards you or whether they ever even acknowledge their shortcomings towards you has nothing to do with whether you forgive them or not. Forgiveness is about you and moving forward with your life. You cannot focus on the future and take any steps forward if you continue to live in the past and hold onto all that anger and resentment of others. It's not possible. You hold yourself back and punish yourself daily by never forgiving and waiting around for that apology from them. Those people who hurt you are not affected negatively by your inability to forgive them in the least. The only person lack of forgiveness hurts is you. Nobody else will ever suffer or be imprisoned by being unforgiving besides you. And it's all your choice. I've finally understood that me living in anger and bitterness was a choice I made when I refused to forgive others. I'm not saying that it's my fault or my choice that people hurt me or that they wronged me in some way because that's not the case at all. But me choosing to allow them to continue to hurt me over and over again by making what they did affect me so negatively that it turns me into a bitter, miserable person that makes everyone around me miserable is all on me. That's my own choice and my own mistake. I allowed them to control me. I allowed them to keep me locked up and I gave them permission to take possession of my thoughts and feelings all because I could not let the past go and take steps forward away from all the hurt and the pain and the anger. I literally waited and waited and waited for years for an apology that didn't come and was never going to come. But now, I realize and recognize that if I want to go where I want to go in life and if I want to be free to be who I want to be, I need to accept that apology. I am able to move on when I do that. I'm not saying its easy. It's a challenge to accept that and to forgive them even when they don't even recognize how badly they wronged you. but it's an absolute necessity to do this if you want to reach a place of positivity, light and bliss. If you want to take control of your life completely you have to be able to forgive those who may not deserve it but again, it's not about them. You deserve it. You deserve to not have that weight on your shoulders or those chains wrapped around your soul. You deserve happiness and all the best life has to offer. And you cannot get there if you refuse to forgive others. Believe me, I know this for a fact. Until I began to forgive others and accept their apologies even without their asking for it, I was just a mess. I wasn't in a good place and I allowed so much bitterness to destroy so much good in my life. This is the most important life lesson I've ever learned. Forgiveness is the key for unlocking that door to the future filled with your happiness and the key to unlocking all your dreams. So I have to agree with Robert Brault completely and wholeheartedly. Life does become easier when you learn to accept that apology you never got and most likely will never get. If you have any resentment or hold any grudges towards anyone in your life, forgive them and let it go. Don't do it for them because they deserve it. Do it for you because you deserve it. To me, forgiveness means letting go so that you can stop walking with your feet and mind in the past. It's the way forward into a kind of life you've always wanted and have always deserved.
Until next time,
Do well. Be well.
Mel
Friday, September 27, 2013
Why This Trial Matters
After nearly five months, the case against AEG Live for negligence in the hiring, supervising and/or retention of Dr. Conrad Murray filed by Katherine Jackson on behalf of Prince, Paris and Blanket Jackson has been handed over to the jury to deliberate and sift through all the evidence presented by both sides and testimony of many people who worked with and around Michael Jackson in the last days and weeks of his life as well as multiple doctors who treated him throughout the past several years. The jury has a very challenging job ahead as they must sift through, sort out and inspect with a fine tooth comb all of the pages and pages of exhibits and transcripts. I know that they are going to their civic duty and take it seriously and come to the right and fair conclusion of the facts presented. But as we wait for their decision, there are just a few things I'd like to say about this case. Specifically, I'd like to answer three questions I have seen brought up repeatedly on social media by those individuals who don't agree with the filing of this wrongful death suit. I'd like to take a few minutes to respond to these.
The first point opponents make regarding this lawsuit is that there is no point because no amount of money will bring Michael back and there is no way to resolve this fact. They are right. There isn't an amount of money that will ever give Prince, Paris, and Blanket their father back or that will allow Katherine Jackson another opportunity to see her son or hear his voice or that will allow Michael to write another song to help try and heal the world or that will allow him to visit another orphanage and brighten a child's life even if for just a few minutes. And that isn't what they are seeking. In America, there are only two ways for someone to seek justice against those who have committed wrongdoing against them or their loved ones. Either through criminal court or civil court. Since AEG Live cannot be held accountable criminally, the only other recourse was to file a lawsuit in civil court. And the reason for this isn't about money. It's about justice. Every day, there are family members who file lawsuits against companies for negligence. There are several wrongful death lawsuits that occur each week. There is nothing wrong with seeking compensation in civil court from a company that failed to protect or was in some way negligent towards an individual. To say that it there is no reason to file a lawsuit against AEG live because it won't bring Michael back is the equivalent of saying there is no point in prosecuting Conrad Murray for his negligence because what's the point if him being punished in criminal court and going to jail won't bring Michael back? Nothing will bring Michael Jackson back to life. And certainly doing nothing to try and hold those persons and/or company involved in negligence will do nothing at all. If this had happened to your brother or son or father, you'd make the same choice as Katherine Jackson. When my father died, my family had to sue his insurance company and take them to civil court in order to receive the $50,000 life insurance policy. They refused to pay it because of a technicality on their end. We had to fight them in court to get that money that was owed to us. It wasn't about the money. We weren't being greedy or money hungry. It And we knew that it wasn't going to bring my dad back. We weren't going to stop being devastated he wasn't around or stop grieving or suddenly just get over his death. That money wasn't a replacement for his life. It was simply money that we deserved as surviving members of his family since he was no longer able to provide for us. Now you may scoff and say but that was only $50,000. But the point is the same. This lawsuit is about seeking compensation from the company that was negligent and holds some responsibility in the loss of Michael Jackson and this money is what the children and his mother are owed due to the loss of income from Michael. It's not about greed. It's about doing the right thing.
Second point that the opposition of this lawsuit makes is that AEG Live hasn't been affected by this trial at all and that they aren't broke or losing business. But that isn't a fair point because the verdict hasn't been reached yet and the trial isn't over yet. We must wait and see how this effects AEG Live but the goal isn't even to make them go broke. It's about holding them accountable for their negligence in the death of Michael Jackson. And AEG Live is all about money. If they have to shell out any monetary amount to Katherine Jackson and the three children, that will affect them and there can be no doubt about that. And the facts that have come out of this trial will make AEG Live the pariahs of the entertainment industry. Will every artist out there stop using AEG Live? Probably not but there will be artists who will refuse to work and sign with them due to this trial. And this will change the way that promoters do business. It will. And that makes this trial worth something as well.
The last point that I will discuss here is that the opponents say all this trial did was bring out negative and ugly things about Michael. What things? That he had an addiction to Demerol in 1993 and in 2002? That's not a secret. Michael himself wrote about this struggle in Morphine. There is nothing hidden from public view about his struggles with addiction. They paraded a lot of doctors up on the stand to testify and all they revealed was that Michael lived in lots and lots of pain and at times used too much narcotics for that pain. The other thing that AEG Live counsel kept harping on was about Michael being charged in 2005. Again, that's not a secret, and he was acquitted. So what's ugly or negative about that? These are things in his past that we all know and to just try and not bring those subjects up or ignore the elephant in the room is doing a disservice to Michael's memory. He lived through all that stuff and as people who love him unconditionally we will love and stand by him always even through his trials and tribulations as he asks us to do in Will You Be There. The one thing that I wasn't a fan of coming out was his medical history being made public. That wasn't fun but I understand why it happened. But again, if anything, that only made me admire and respect him more when you see just how much he suffered from so many physical ailments. Michael struggled but yet endured. What is so negative about that? And at the end of the day, Michael made a bad choice regarding using propofol but that doesn't make him a bad person nor does it mean he can be blamed solely for his death. AEG and Dr. Murray definitely contributed to his premature demise. And that is what this case is about. Dr. Murray was punished in a court of law and is sitting in a jail cell as I write this (now I won't talk about how him being released soon is an absolute joke in this blog). So that leaves AEG Live to face the music. And since they can't be charged criminally or be sent to jail, they must pay by paying out money to the surviving children and his mother. There is nothing greedy or selfish or wrong with that.
As I wrap this up, I just want to give positive thoughts to Katherine Jackson and to Michael's three children as they continue to try and navigate their way through the pain and the grief of living without their beloved son and father every day. And I pray for the jury to stay strong, be thorough and bring back a just and fair outcome to this trial. The road has been long and hard but in the end, I have faith that there will be justice for Michael. That doesn't mean it will replace him or that it can substitute his life. It just means that his death won't be completely in vain and that those who share blame in his death are made to face their accountability.
Until next time,
Be well and do well
Mel
The first point opponents make regarding this lawsuit is that there is no point because no amount of money will bring Michael back and there is no way to resolve this fact. They are right. There isn't an amount of money that will ever give Prince, Paris, and Blanket their father back or that will allow Katherine Jackson another opportunity to see her son or hear his voice or that will allow Michael to write another song to help try and heal the world or that will allow him to visit another orphanage and brighten a child's life even if for just a few minutes. And that isn't what they are seeking. In America, there are only two ways for someone to seek justice against those who have committed wrongdoing against them or their loved ones. Either through criminal court or civil court. Since AEG Live cannot be held accountable criminally, the only other recourse was to file a lawsuit in civil court. And the reason for this isn't about money. It's about justice. Every day, there are family members who file lawsuits against companies for negligence. There are several wrongful death lawsuits that occur each week. There is nothing wrong with seeking compensation in civil court from a company that failed to protect or was in some way negligent towards an individual. To say that it there is no reason to file a lawsuit against AEG live because it won't bring Michael back is the equivalent of saying there is no point in prosecuting Conrad Murray for his negligence because what's the point if him being punished in criminal court and going to jail won't bring Michael back? Nothing will bring Michael Jackson back to life. And certainly doing nothing to try and hold those persons and/or company involved in negligence will do nothing at all. If this had happened to your brother or son or father, you'd make the same choice as Katherine Jackson. When my father died, my family had to sue his insurance company and take them to civil court in order to receive the $50,000 life insurance policy. They refused to pay it because of a technicality on their end. We had to fight them in court to get that money that was owed to us. It wasn't about the money. We weren't being greedy or money hungry. It And we knew that it wasn't going to bring my dad back. We weren't going to stop being devastated he wasn't around or stop grieving or suddenly just get over his death. That money wasn't a replacement for his life. It was simply money that we deserved as surviving members of his family since he was no longer able to provide for us. Now you may scoff and say but that was only $50,000. But the point is the same. This lawsuit is about seeking compensation from the company that was negligent and holds some responsibility in the loss of Michael Jackson and this money is what the children and his mother are owed due to the loss of income from Michael. It's not about greed. It's about doing the right thing.
Second point that the opposition of this lawsuit makes is that AEG Live hasn't been affected by this trial at all and that they aren't broke or losing business. But that isn't a fair point because the verdict hasn't been reached yet and the trial isn't over yet. We must wait and see how this effects AEG Live but the goal isn't even to make them go broke. It's about holding them accountable for their negligence in the death of Michael Jackson. And AEG Live is all about money. If they have to shell out any monetary amount to Katherine Jackson and the three children, that will affect them and there can be no doubt about that. And the facts that have come out of this trial will make AEG Live the pariahs of the entertainment industry. Will every artist out there stop using AEG Live? Probably not but there will be artists who will refuse to work and sign with them due to this trial. And this will change the way that promoters do business. It will. And that makes this trial worth something as well.
The last point that I will discuss here is that the opponents say all this trial did was bring out negative and ugly things about Michael. What things? That he had an addiction to Demerol in 1993 and in 2002? That's not a secret. Michael himself wrote about this struggle in Morphine. There is nothing hidden from public view about his struggles with addiction. They paraded a lot of doctors up on the stand to testify and all they revealed was that Michael lived in lots and lots of pain and at times used too much narcotics for that pain. The other thing that AEG Live counsel kept harping on was about Michael being charged in 2005. Again, that's not a secret, and he was acquitted. So what's ugly or negative about that? These are things in his past that we all know and to just try and not bring those subjects up or ignore the elephant in the room is doing a disservice to Michael's memory. He lived through all that stuff and as people who love him unconditionally we will love and stand by him always even through his trials and tribulations as he asks us to do in Will You Be There. The one thing that I wasn't a fan of coming out was his medical history being made public. That wasn't fun but I understand why it happened. But again, if anything, that only made me admire and respect him more when you see just how much he suffered from so many physical ailments. Michael struggled but yet endured. What is so negative about that? And at the end of the day, Michael made a bad choice regarding using propofol but that doesn't make him a bad person nor does it mean he can be blamed solely for his death. AEG and Dr. Murray definitely contributed to his premature demise. And that is what this case is about. Dr. Murray was punished in a court of law and is sitting in a jail cell as I write this (now I won't talk about how him being released soon is an absolute joke in this blog). So that leaves AEG Live to face the music. And since they can't be charged criminally or be sent to jail, they must pay by paying out money to the surviving children and his mother. There is nothing greedy or selfish or wrong with that.
As I wrap this up, I just want to give positive thoughts to Katherine Jackson and to Michael's three children as they continue to try and navigate their way through the pain and the grief of living without their beloved son and father every day. And I pray for the jury to stay strong, be thorough and bring back a just and fair outcome to this trial. The road has been long and hard but in the end, I have faith that there will be justice for Michael. That doesn't mean it will replace him or that it can substitute his life. It just means that his death won't be completely in vain and that those who share blame in his death are made to face their accountability.
Until next time,
Be well and do well
Mel
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