A Hard and Tough Lesson Learned

Hello everyone. Today I want to talk to you about something very important. A life lesson that I have been forced to learn this weekend. It is a hard truth to deal with, as most truths are in this life. But it's something that I needed to learn and that everyone of us needs to realize. What truth am I talking about? I am talking about imperfection. I am talking about messing up and making a mistake and choosing the wrong choice in one moment that as soon as you do it, you regret it instantaneously. You immediately wish you had a huge eraser to erase the past five minutes or you had a remote that let you rewind the last minutes of your life so you could do it over. But the thing about life is there are no do overs are there? Life is not a dress rehearsal is it? You live each day one moment at a time and in each of those moments, there are choices you have to make. Some are so small and seemingly insignificant and yet when they are put all together, they can be pretty relevant to our present. And sometimes you get so excited or anxious or so involved or self-absorbed in what those moments have to offer that you make a choice randomly that you think is no big deal to you. You think it's just a small, insignificant moment that doesn't affect your future. And yet, you couldn't have been more wrong in that assessment. That one choice, that one moment, that one random circumstance makes a HUGE impact on your future. And after the fact, you realize that. You get your head out of your ass long enough to understand that it isn't all about you and what you want and what you think you deserve. At all. Instead of being so damn selfish and self-absorbed, you should have taken one fucking second to think about the other person/people involved. But you didn't and so you hurt them. You didn't mean to. It wasn't your intention. In fact, it was the last thing you ever dreamed of doing. But there is that old saying that the road to hell is paved with the best of intentions. And it's true. You never mean to hurt anyone or cause them pain. Especially those that matter the most to you and who you love and admire. But they are still casualties to your selfishness and your rude and bitchy behavior. You still hurt them, no matter what your original intent. And that doesn't matter to them. To them, you hurt and disappointed them. You upset them. That is what matters to them. It isn't about what was intended but rather, what was perceived by the other person. And to know that you fucked them over and caused them any amount of pain or upset them in the slightest way hurts you to the core of your being. You never want them to hurt and you just want them to always be happy and joyful and never have to undergo a second of unnecessary pain or discomfort. And to know that they did sucks and it breaks your heart. But the worst knowledge is like I said, knowing that you are the guilty culprit who is holding the knife. You hurt them. And that eats away at you and is the most severe punishment you could ever have to endure in this life. You may be physically free and out of prison, but emotionally and spiritually, the chains are wrapped around your soul tightly. You can't even breathe. You can't hardly bare the thought of what you have done. And you would give anything, say anything, sell anything to take it all back. You would die to make it all better. That, my friends is what you call regret. That, my friends, is what they call remorse. And you feel that so deeply, it stings you to your soul. And you understand how much you hurt another person and you realize how much you upset them. But it's too damn late. You can't go back and you can't take any of it back, no matter how much you wish and hope and pray you could. Life is not a dress rehearsal remember? So what can you do? The short answer is nothing. There is shit you can do about it. It was a mistake. An unintentional and regrettable choice that you must learn to deal with and take the consequences of like an adult. You can't say anything to make it better. That is the lesson I am talking about. You make a mistake or a bad choice or do something stupid in the moment that you regret but you can't do anything about it. Now I bet you are all sitting there saying well can't you apologize? Yes, you can. But tell me what the fuck that is going to do. Is that going to change it? Is that going to make the other person hurt less or experience in that moment what they felt? Nope. It doesn't change a thing. Apologies are meaningless. They are filled with good intentions. To try to make amends and to try to get the other person to feel a little better but aren't apologies also about us trying to make ourselves feel better? Trying to clear our conscience from feeling so bad? We somehow convince ourselves that if we just say we are sorry and mean it, that it will be okay. We delude ourselves into believing that because no amounts of words, which are what apologies are, will ever negate the behavior. It will never measure up to the hurt and the pain you caused. EVER!!! The scars are there forever and they are self-inflicted. Yes, there are deep wounds and you are responsible for that. There is nothing that can be done to erase it. But we try. We say I am so sorry and I never meant to hurt you or whatever else we say in an apology. Don't get me wrong. We can be absolutely sincere and mean every word we say in an apology. We can reallly be that sorry. But we can't make it mean more than what it is. Words. Empty and meaningless. We need to show people we are sorry, not tell them. We need to let them see our remorse. And then after we do that, we have to sit back and do nothing more. We cannot force people to forgive us or accept our apology. We have done all we can. In our minds, we want to "fix" the mess we made but the bottom line is this: IT CANNOT BE FIXED. There is nothing on earth we can do to fix it. We can apologize and we can feel remorseful and take responsibility for our bad choice and awful behavior. But that is all we can do. And then we have to understand that people, if they choose to forgive us, will never trust us or look at us the same. Because forgiveness does not equate forgetting. Everyone out there has been hurt before and we have had people hurt us both intentionally and unintentionally and it doesn't matter if was intentional or not, it still fucking hurts. And to be honest, the worst type of pain is the type that is inflicted by those who you trust and love the most. The ones who you really want to spend time with and whose company you treasure. And when those people hurt you, it sucks more because you become guarded. You find yourself holding back and keeping yourself at a distance due to them betraying you that way. So it cuts deeply and it takes awhile for that sting to go away enough to even think of forgiving you, if they ever get to that place. It isn't up to you if they do or not and you have to understand that even if they forgive you eventually, your relationship will never be the same. Because that hurt will always be there in the back of their mind. They will always have the knowledge inside of them that you are capable of hurting them and so they hold back like I said. Your relationship will never be what it once was because just because they forgive you it doesn't equate forgetting. It's engrained in us as adults to never truly be amnesiac. We may forgive but we will always remember and keep that memory in the back of our minds. We hold a grudge, even if it is not in the forefront of our minds. Sometimes it's why I wish we were still child like in nature. Have you even seen children playing on the playground and they get into a squabble over something? They will get mad at each other and walk away and pout for about five minutes. And then they go right back to playing, and they don't even remember fighting at all. They have forgotten and forgiven. Why can't we as adults have that same ability? I guess that is part of growing up but sometimes I feel that growing up and being an adult is way overrated. We hold on to things and we just don't have the capability of truly letting things go. It's always there in the back of our minds. And that is why people can forgive in time but there is no way they can forget. My point in all of this is that when we fuck up, which we will do because we are not perfect, we will hurt others. It's a nasty and vicious truth about life. And we can be the nicest, mos generous, caring people the world has ever seen but that does make us immune to hurting others or upsetting them. It's those choices we make in the moment that we instantaneously wish had not been made that can make a huge impact on our future. Our future can be forever altered by those choices. And we can be as sorry as we want but it won't change what happened. All we can do is apologize and throw ourselves at the person who we wronged's  mercy and hope that with time, they can find a way to forgive us. But that is not required of them. And it is not something we can force them to do. It takes them opening their heart up enough to say I love this person and cherish their company so much that I can look past this behavior and I can let it go because I love them more than that. I love them even though they made a mistake. I love them unconditionally. And I may have been hurt and disappointed and upset by their choice but I am looking past it. I don't agree with it and I certainly don't condone it, but I am not going to let that mistake ruin our relationship. Sometimes they can do that. Other times, they can't. And the choice is theirs. It's not up to you as to whether they forgive you or not. It's up to you to apologize and then that is it. That is all you can do. You have to let it go and have faith that the love and the bond you have with the other person will survive and sustain through this rough patch. If it is meant to be, it will work out and you just have to sit back and let it happen however it happens. You can't force anyone to feel how you want them to feel. And they can't make you feel anyway they want you to feel. So the lesson I have learned this weekend is that you can be as sorry as you want, but sometimes sorry doesn't cut it. You can be as sincere as you want but the other person may not forgive you. And as much as that hurts and breaks your heart into a million pieces, it's something that will help you in the future because the next time if you are in a situation and you start to become self-absorbed and start to feel entitled or selfish and start to get rude, maybe you will remember what happened the last time you were in this similar situation and you chose a different path. One that will save you and the other person lots of unnecessary and unwanted pain and heartache. Life is tough at times but we still have to plow through and get to the other side that is not so rough. And all we can do is take it one day and one moment at a time and hope for the best. And once we make a choice, we have to live with it and whatever comes about from that particular choice. Life is not a dress rehearsal remember? And we get no do overs or re tries. This is all we get. So let's make the most of it and try to minimize the hurt and pain we dish out. The worst kind of pain is the self-inflicted variety. Believe me, I know. I am still left bleeding profusely from a decision I made in a single moment of selfishness and greed. And I will continue to bleed for the rest of my life. I have been able to bandage the wound but it will never be totally repaired as the damage is irreprable. And I will always have to carry this choice and the pain it caused to someone I hold in such high regards and hold so dear to my heart and who I never want to see an ounce of pain come their way in my soul and my conscience forever. That is the hardest part of that decision. I may have had a temporary reward but the permanent pain and agony I will have is a living hell. I am in a prison and it's of my own creation. So take a lesson from me and heed this warning, don't be so quick to react selfishly and without thinking of the other person in the moment. You may very well live to regret it.

Until next time
Be well
Melissa

Understanding Is Key to Understanding

Hey everybody!!! I hope this finds you all in good health and good spirits. It's spring finally. So that is good. I am so tired of winter and cold weather. Bring on the sunshine and yes, bring on the rain also because without the rain, the crops in the field won't grow, nor will the flowers that will bloom later on and create such incredible beauty. Also, without the rain, we can't appreciate the true beauty of the sun's rays. To go through the dark storm clouds and then see a rainbow afterwards allows us to keep the faith and hope alive. I am so glad for that.

Now for the topic of today's blog. I was reading the newest installment of Damon L. Jacobs #40 Lessons at shouldless.blogspot.com (and if you guys haven't gotten a chance to read these yet, please do.) and his #21 lesson is this: Don't Condemn What You Don't Understand. I absolutely agree with this. It's very easy for us to sit back and judge people and their choices and the way they do things from a distance. It's easy for us to point the finger at them and lay all the blame at their feet. But as the Chinese proverb states, "you cannot judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes." This is what we need to realize. It's very common for all of us to stand back and condemn that which we don't understand. It's far harder and much more difficult to actually get close to a situation and talk to the person and ask questions and get to a place of empathy. Even if we can't experience exactly what they are experiencing, we can do our best to understand it. We don't have to agree with it or like it but we do need to understand it and respect it for what it is. Their life and their choice. I don't want anyone to judge me too harshly or unfairly and I won't do that to anyone else either. We have a responsibility as humans to spread peace, love and understanding. Life is hard enough the way it is without us labelling and judging and condemning that which we don't understand. I mean, where is the fairness to judge someone without knowing them? Isn't that like reading the back cover of a book and knowing from those few words what the whole book is about and how good or bad it is? That is simply a first impression and first impressions aren't always everything. Sometimes you have to take a second, deeper and more detailed look. Heck, you might even have to read a few chapters before condemning or praising it. When I buy a book, I have to sit down and read a few pages (okay, I admit I am one of those people who pretty much reads the whole book while inside the store much to the chagrin of the employees) before I decide if I am interested in it or not. Maybe I am not interested enough to buy it but I gave it a fair shot. That is how I believe we should judge people also. Give them a shot. Get to know them. You may not like them necessarily after all that time but at least you gave them the benefit of the doubt. And I am sure that you would want them to do the same thing in return. I think the reason we don't approach people and get to know them and instead stand back and condemn them is because we are afraid. Speaking only for myself, I know that it was far safer and easier for me to stay away and keep my distance from people and just base everything on how they looked. Shameful I know but honest. I didn't understand them or what they stood for or believed in. I simply did not take the effort to either. I just knew by how they looked what kind of person they were. And it was all based on my fear. That is what held me back from approaching them and getting to know them and perhaps, liking them. How many friends did I let slip through my fingers all because of me judging them harshly and unfairly? How many of those people believed the same things I did and felt the same way I did about things but instead of going up and taking the time to get to know them, I just turned my back and condemned them? Why did I let my fear of what I didn't understand control me that way? Because it's human nature unfortunately. It's human nature for us to be afraid of what which we don't know. And so, instead of putting our fear aside and  letting it hold us back to find out more about people and maybe just maybe find some pretty special people, we just keep being afraid and stand back and point our fingers and condemn. It's easy to condemn what we dont' understand. But the best of us doesn't lie in what is easiest. The best of us lies in the challenges and the tough parts of life. The best of us is about confronting our fear and facing it and moving past it to better ourselves. We have a choice every day to stand on the sidelines and keep judging others or to do the harder thing and do our best to understand and empathize. I don't know what the rest of you guys think but for me, I chose to understand. Part of that is because I am no longer that person who lets their fear of the unknown and what I don't understand consume me and part of that is because I want to do things that aren't easy. I want to make the tough choices in order to be better and set a better example. And part of that is because I always want to learn and grow and understand more. I will never know or understand everything in this life but I hope that each day that passes, I attain more knowledge and understanding. It's what I hope for you all as well. So remember, you cannot judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes. Start making that walk today. You never know what path it may lead you on.

Until next time
Keep the Faith

Mel