Today I sit here and realize that I haven't divulged something that needs to be divulged in the worst way. It's not that I intentionally don't share it or anything, it's that it isn't easy. It's quite difficult to admit. It's sometimes impossible to face this truth about myself and my life. I never used to believe in regrets. I thought that was just a myth people used to be a victim or gain sympathy or something like that. I never thought anyone could actually feel regret or wish something didn't happen so much that you'd seriously consider selling your soul to the devil and give up anything you ever owned to change one choice you made in your past. And then it happened to me. I made a choice once that at the time was justified and made sense to me. I felt what I felt. I thought what I thought. But hindsight is a bitch in that it's perfect vision. You see things so perfectly clear now that if only you could have seen then, you'd have altered so many things. What am I talking about? I'm talking about my cousin Connie and myself. We were born 10 months apart and grew up less than a mile away from each other. We were always at each other's houses and would spend hours of each day playing, laughing and just being silly girls. We were inseprable. We had such a deep and profound bond that even our closest family members would say how we were more than just cousins, we were like sisters. When she was 15, her parents decided to move and it wasn't even that far away. It was just about 11 miles or so. But it felt like she was going to Siberia or something. Well, she still wanted to go to the same school I did that she was going to and she could as long as she had a ride. Well since I had my license and a car of my own already, I volunteered to get up every morning, pick her up and take her to school .Well that didn't last long because her parents decided to not pay the tuition,which is totally understandable looking back on it now as that kind of thing is extremely expensive, but at the time it felt like the end of the world. So we saw each other less and less but still talked to each other all the time on the phone. Well she then got a job when she turned 16 but had no way of getting there. So once more, I agreed to take her every day. We had such a blast at first as we would blare music and laugh and sing out loud and she taught me this trick to wave at every car we passed and act as if we knew them just to mess with them and be silly!! The expressions of those drivers were priceless and I can still remember her laugh and smile when we would wave like two stark raving mad lunatics at oncoming cars. But in time, we started to become distant. I would get upset at her for not giving me gas money and I told her that I wasn't willing to drive that many miles twice a day and be that nice for free. Well, then she got a boyfriend at her job. And at that point, things got really nasty. I felt abandoned and neglected by her. I felt she was drifting away from me as we talked on the phone less and less and he would come get her and take her to work every day which made me very mad and resentful. I mean I couldn't believe she was tossing me aside for some guy. Even though I told her I wasn't willing to keep driving her every day I still got pissed off that someone else was doing it. And as the months went by, we spoke to each other less and less and saw each other even less than that. At some point, we just stopped. We had no interaction at all. We ceased to exist in each other's lives. I got busy with my life. She got busy with hers. I remember when my mom told me she was graduating high school and wanted me to come along with her that Sunday, I told her no thanks I had better things to do with my time. I found out she was getting married after she got married. Had no invitation or knowledge of her plans to get married before hand. That's how far we had drifted. That's what had become of our incredible bond we had shared for so many years. I saw her once whenever she and her husband were down at my grandmother's house one Saturday and I had to drop something off there for my mom. The awkwardness and discomfort of each of us was palpable. We didn't utter one word to each other. I walked out and left. About six months after this incredibly awkward encounter of ours, I was at my job and received a phone call from my sister. That wasn't anything out of the ordinary as she called me quite often at work. But when I got on the line I was not prepared for what she told me: one of your relatives just committed suicide. I was stunned. What? I barely could find my voice when I asked who? That's when my world was completely shatterd and turned upside down. One word from my sister's mouth was all it took to drop me to my knees in utter disbelief, shock, confusion and pain. "Connie". It didn't even register the first time so I asked her again, and again she said her name "connie". At that point, I lost all my breath in my body. It just went away. I dropped to my knees letting the phone bounce off the counter. What happened in the next few minutes were all a blur. I ended up going over to her and her husband James' house that night and the worst part about this was that I didn't even know where they lived. I had to get directions to go there that night. I never should have been driving that night cause I don't even know how I got there. I just walking in and seeing her mom sitting on the couch with this look of complete shock on her face. I saw my sister and my mom. And then I saw her husband. I didn't know him I just knew who he was. I went over and hugged him so hard and the tears just started flowing uncontrollably. I couldn't even stop to breathe. It was gutteral in that moment standing there with him in his living room of the house he shared with her. A house I didn't know at all. I walked around and saw she had two dogs. I didn't know that. I saw she had so many pictures and I just wanted to soak it all in. It was my cousin who I grew up with and shared so many things with and yet in that strange house that night she was a stranger to me. I didn't know what to do or what to say so I just walked out into the garage. The place where it happened. The place she decided to end it all. And I just stood there in somber silence closing my eyes and picturing her with pill bottle in hand laying in the back seat while the engine was running and the garage was filling up with carbon monoxide. I wondered what she felt in that moment. Was she in pain? Or was she finally feeling peace? It probably should have freaked me out to be in that room so quickly after it happened but it didn't. It just felt....right. Like that's where I needed to be in that moment. It seemed like I felt closer to her then than I had in years. Weird right? But so very true. And so we eventually went home and I found not one second of sleep that night. I was haunted by my thoughts, or memories to be more exact. The memories came flooding back to me that night. The good ones we had somehow got overlooked by the bad ones. I kept replaying over and over again the last few conversations we had when we both were so bitter and angry at each other. And I just started to cry. I cried so long and hard that night I didn't think any more tears would come out. I felt carved out inside like I had been completely gutted and had my heart and soul ripped out and stomped on and then put back in and forced to continue to use them. I couldn't sleep. The voice in my head was screaming at me how could you? How could you let this happen? How could you let her down? I knew in my heart that this was my fault. The blame was laid at my feet. I could have changed the outcome. If only I had done something different when I had the chance. Why did I become so distant? Why did I stop caring? When did I turn my back and walk away? I was haunted by my past. I couldn't function. I felt so guilty because I knew things would have been different if I hadn't been so stubborn and foolish. I should've and could've picked up the phone and re connected with her but my pride was too hurt, my heart was too cold, my mind too closed off. I simply refused to do the right thing and make amends while she was here. And now, the cold harsh bitter reality set in. I couldn't change it now. It was done forever. She was gone for all eternity. I couldn't make it right. I couldn't make amends. I couldn't be forgiven. I had to wear this shame as my badge for the rest of my life. The guilt and anger I felt cut me deeper than any knife. I know people tried to tell me that there was nothing that could have changed the outcome because she was set in her ways and wanted to end it all. But I know better. I still feel guilty. I still feel shame because I can't say for sure that me reaching out wouldn't have affected the outcome. I can't say that it wouldn't have mattered. And that uncertainty and that doubt is the worst kind of fate. I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy. To live in a prison of your memories and knowledge is beyond cruel and unfair but it is my pennance for my sins. I accept this. But I don't forgive myself. I spent many hours and days at her gravesite asking if she could ever forgive me and yet I never got an answer and that's because there isn't one. She can't answer me because she doesn't forgive me. I don't blame her. I don't forgive me either. I doubt I ever will. I have become better at not letting the guilt consume me and I have gotten used to what it feels like to regret something so much you'd change anything about yourself or your life to change it. If I could go back to in time and get a re do, I would do it without hesitation. I'd change the way I did things and the words I said. I would alter it all just to find a way to make it right somehow. I lay awake in bed many sleepless nights and wonder why she did what she did. She never left a note so we are left without a reason and any semblance of closure but then I tell myself would it bring me any more peace or closure to know why it happened and she did what she did? The answer is no. It'd still hurt like hell and make me feel so guilty and shameful. The choices I made regarding our friendship are mine and mine alone. They cannot be erased or overturned or passed on to someone else to be held accountable for. It's all on me. and every day I wake up, I have to live with what I have and what I haven't done. It's not an easy thing to do. I do it because what other choice do I have really. It doesn't mean I forgive or forget. It doesn't mean I have found peace or closure. It just means I have to keep living while she lays dead and buried far too prematurely. I will never get over it though. I will never let it go or let myself off the hook. I don't deserve it. There are times I look at myself in the mirror and shake my head in utter disgust and disbelief at what I've done. I feel like I am partially responsible for what transpired and to know that is so damn hard to take. But again, its my pennance. I have learned that every choice I make, and inaction is as much a choice as any action ever could be, has consequences. Be prepared to face those consequences. Do your best to make the best choices. And really try to fix any fractured relationship you may have with someone. You never know when you'll wait too long and live to regret it.
Thanks for reading.
Until next time
Mel
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