I sit here struggling to find words, not because I have nothing to say-oh no on the contrary I have plenty to say-, its just because anything I want to say is not important. Words right now are empty, meaningless, hollow, insignificant. Words won't erase what has happened. It won't undo the damage. It won't bring anybody back to life. So here I sit in numbed silence. But not in stunned silence. Nothing about what happened in Colorado earlier this eveining. Why would it shock me? How many times has this scenario taken place before? Far too often. It happens seemingly every week. And the news replays it over and over again, regurgitating all the horror every hour until eventually we become de-sensitized by it all. And we all feel disgusted, angry, sad and we send out our thoughts and prayers to the victims and their families. We talk about how tragic it is and how the world is a terrible place sometimes. And yet, we do nothing about it. We talk and talk and talk but yet we take no action. We can all feel as sorry as we want to. We can all feel sad or disgust. But what do we do about it? We move on. Until the next time this same thing happens. I am not throwing the blame at any of us for these brutal, horrific, reprehensible acts. The individiuals who carry these violent acts out are accountable for their own despicable actions. But my point is that we do nothing in the grand scheme of things to offer up a different scenario. We talk about how things are so awful and how things need to change but do we actually take any initiative to change things? I think we all can say we don't. I am not excluding myself from this criticism. I am guilty of this as well. Is it that we just believe in our hearts that this is our fate and that there is simply nothing we can do to change any of it? That this type of violence will go on as long as there is life on this planet? Are we really that cynical? I don't know the answer but I do know it's forced me to take a good long hard look in the mirror and to really question myself. I don't like this trend we have of tragedies happening and so many people dying or suffering at the hands of another and to have the news channels do nothing but take advantage of the whole thing for ratings. They give the perpetrator exactly what they wanted when they did this unspeakable thing: notoreity. And that gives the next person with a certain degree of callous indifference an idea that grows into a plan which becomes the next big news story. It's a seemingly endless cycle of sickness. I don't know about you but I don't want to keep riding on this speeding train headed for imminent derailment. I want to find a way to stop this train. I want to find a way to save everyone from any more suffering. But if I just simply get off and let everyone else stay on that train, I will have blood on my hands also. I will have contributed to the suffering. And I don't know why we say this is all senseless, mindless violence. I think it makes sense. It's the steady downhill degradation of humanity we are in. The decay of common decency and the eradication of empathy towards others. This decline in the human condition has been happening for decades now, the morality slowly deterioating, but it seems to be happening at a much faster pace these days. Why? I don't have the answer but I know that this is the key question that must be asked. What do all of these atrocities seem to have in common? A man without a conscience, who has absolute total disregard for human life, contempt for his fellow man, and an indescrible amount of callous indifference towards anyone else. And also, a whole lot of weaponry and ammunition. How does he get his hands on these weapons is what we all ask in amazement. Well, because these type of weapons are made, manufactured and are accessible. These two things added together equals a devastatating, malicious, deadly combination. And it keeps happening. No matter what we tell ourselves or each other, no matter how often we hear it on the news, it doesn't stop. It goes on and on and on. Like I said, its a sick cycle, almost as if we are on a carousel at some diabolical carnival where individuals keep buying tickets to take their turn at causing mass chaos and complete panic. What is it going to take for this trend to be reversed? I can't do it alone. You can't do it alone. We MUST do this together. The answer isn't simple. And it won't be easy. But how many more men, women and children have to shed blood for us to finally step up and say enough is enough. We will no longer accept this trend or this fate. We are in control of our own fate. It's up to us. Are you ready, willing and able to fight against this degradation of the human soul? I know I am. I can no longer go on living this way. It has to change. There are no more excuses to use. There isn't any more time to waste. We must act now. We must begin to turn this all around now. Lets no longer only talk about how tragic and sad it all is. Lets no longer talk at all. Lets act. I believe in my heart and know in my mind that we can undo this fate. We cannot bring any of these victims back, we cannot go back in time and erase the misery or the tragedy, but we can make sure that right here in this moment and from now on, none of them have died in vain. Lets make a change. I believe in a better world. And with all of us standing together united, it will not only be a belief of mine but a reality.
RIP to all the victims
and prayers to the families affected
Mel
Friday, July 20, 2012
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Fathers Day Feelings
Father's Day. A day to celebrate with your father, who helped create you, raise you, teach you and shape you. It's a day focused on the love and importance of a father in a child's life. Should be a very happy day. But for myself, it's exactly the opposite. There is no happiness here inside of me today. Only extreme, massive and profound hurt. I dread this day every year because I know it will bring up feelings that are still so intense and powerful, it knocks me off my feet. I can still feel the raw misery in my soul as if it just happened. And I don't want to feel that way. So I don't look at Father's Day like many. I look at it and really have to prepare myself to go to that dark place.
It's been twenty years since my dad passed away. You'd think I'd be able to handle days like this now. After all time heals all wounds right? WRONG. Time will never heal this wound. I will never get over it or past it. I have simply learned through the last two decades how to deal with it and live with it. I won't ever let it go either. There are times when seemingly out of the blue my thoughts will turn to my father and my mind will be consumed with these thoughts. I can't escape them. And, while its true that as time has passed it gets easier to think of the good times and smile, I still always find myself feeling such a heaviness and tightness in my chest due to the severity of the entire situation. I was eight years old when he died and in that moment, my whole life was altered permanently. It was a life defining moment and I was too young to even grasp the magnitude of the situation. I lost my innocence that day you see. I had to grow up and become an adult and feel adult things and understand adult things and yet I wasn't psychologically ready to do that. So I was simply lost, rejected, abandoned, scared, confused and in pain. I lived my life from that point on in isolation and in darkness. The hollowed out feeling and the constant numbness I felt was my norm. I didn't know anything else. So I never had a normal childhood. But lets be clear here: I'm not playing the victim writing this. I understand that this is life and there is nothing fair about it and that there is nobody to blame for what happened to me in my childhood or that I am the only one who has the market cornered on having to deal with this situation. I get that. But I'm just being honest when I say that I have had a chip on my shoulder since that night my father died. It's true. I have been treated unfairly by life and I have a lot of issues I have to deal with because of it. I recognize my issues now and where they stem from, but that doesn't make them disappear or make the war that wages inside of me easier to win. It just gives me hope that I can find a way to deal with the issues I have at some point.
What issues am I referring to? Well, for starters there is my abandonment issue. Yes, I know that nearly everyone who has lost a parent at a young age says they have this and I'm sure some of you want to roll your eyes and go here we go again with this "excuse". I have to tell you that I understand the sentiment from those who feel that way, I do. They simply cannot understand how it feels to lose somebody so vital and fundamental to your existence and who you look up to in so many ways. Its a case of not being able to understand because of lack of experience. Trust me, I am glad they don't have this experience under their belt. I am thrilled that they will never know what it's like to be left in such utter disarray with your head spinning in complete darkness and having your entire life destroyed after a parent's death as a young child. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy because it absolutely fucking sucks. There is nothing I would wish for more than that every child to never lose a parent in their childhood. But that is a wish that cannot be granted. So I can only say that for those who have never had to deal with it, wonderful. But you'll never understand how alone you feel after a parent passes away like that. To be eight years old and have my father die enstilled deep inside of me, the deepest parts of my subconscious, that to love somebody and to invest in somebody that much and to count on them with all of your being is a waste of time because they will only leave you in the end with nothing but despair and confusion and grief. It taught me to not invest in a relationship because why bother? The other person will eventually leave. And so you put up gargantuan walls around your heart so that nobody will ever get in. If they don't get to close, when they do end up leaving, it won't hurt cause you won't really let them get to you. So nobody ever really gets close to you. But yet you still cling to a person when you find them. You have such insecurity that they will eventually leave that you want them with you all the time. You never want them out of your sight. You cling to them as if they are a life preserver. I know that this seems very antithetical and you're right, it is. They are two polar extreme opposites to feel. On one hand you never want to bother to invest in anyone or anything so you close off your heart and mind but on the other hand, you latch onto anyone or anything so much so that they don't leave. But really, it all comes back to the same thing: the fear of being abandoned, rejected, and lost like that day when your father died and non stop chaos ensued. And if your that insecure and unstable, what is going to happen in the end? They are going to leave you and prove that your right for not ever truly investing in them to begin with. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. You really sabotage your own chances at any meaningful relationship by pushing them away with your insecurity and then when they do, you get to feel justified in being close guarded. Make sense? Probably not unless you have actually gone through this yourself. Like I said earlier, if you have never experienced that type of loss in your childhood you will read this and scratch your head saying to yourself this lady is one odd duck (which is true by the way) and will just be confused and possibly upset that you took time to read this. But if you have ever gone through a similar experience, then you understand what I just wrote about completely because you've been there. And you understand the futility you feel when every relationship around you collapses, how you feel unworthy, unlovable and like your a complete failure. And how alone you really feel even if your surrounded by people. You just feel like you are trapped in a dark shell and cannot escape from it. This is the war that is waged inside of me every day guys. Pushing people away so as to not invest in them or latching onto them and becoming so dependent on them, it becomes a matter of survival (but to the people I latch on to, it feels like its obsessive and in many ways it is) to have them around. I honestly don't know what to do with this. I recognize my behavior and why I do what I do, which is only because of the 18 months of therapy, but I still find it doesn't make me stop my behavior. I guess it's just a learning process that I still leave much to be desired on.
And speaking of recognizing truths about myself, here is the whole reason I wrote this blog today on Father's Day. I have been thinking a lot lately about this (as I said earlier I dread this day every year) and a couple weeks ago marked the 20 year anniversary of my dad's death. Since that day, I have really had a hard time dealing. Moreso than in past years and I wasn't sure why. So I went to therapy and had an intensive session, I mean we dug deep. And this is the truth that I came away with from that: I am resentful of others who still have their fathers and I am envious of them. I am. I don't know why but I thought I was not that way. I thought the feelings I had around this time of the year every year were about other things, and on some level they are, but the biggest reason I have such dread and depression around this time of the year is because I hate that I never got more time with my father. I hate that I had to grow up without him, that I had to live my life with such constant sorrow, I hate that I didn't even get the chance to know him at all, and that makes me resentful of those that got all that. When I think of other daughters who get to have their dads walk them down the aisle on their wedding day or have them give a congratulatory hug after graduation or who just get to get to know their dads, it makes me so envious and so damn resentful. Why? I still ask that question. It doesn't do any good to ask that question but I do it anyway. Why did I never get to have that? What makes me inferior to others that I didn't deserve to have that as well? I can't have that and it tears me up inside. I would give anything I have to be able to have my father back and be able to have all those things. I would. And I get totally pissed off when I realize that people out there still have their fathers, the only thing I long for in this life, and yet they don't know how lucky they got it. It infuriates me to no end when I hear people say that they have a father but they don't talk to him or they don't have a relationship with him. Yes, its their choice but it makes me so angry because they still have a dad. I would switch places with them in a fucking new york minute. They don't want a dad and they don't want to cherish him-fine. I will. And to have people who have their fathers around and just don't appreciate them for what they are makes me so mad and sad and disappointed. I wouldn't do that. It's almost like a woman who can't have a child but wants one so badly who constantly sees other women who have children that they don't cherish and appreciate. It's just something you want so badly, you can't see others have it and waste it. That's how I feel when I see other children with their fathers. I know it's not fair to them to feel that way. I know I'm judging them far too harshly but I cannot help how I feel. I want my dad here and I want a relationship with him and I'm never going to get it. And that knowledge brings unbelievable pain, sadness, agony, anger, resentment and disappointment to my mind, heart and soul. So I have to simply get over it. I know that. But it's not that easy. I long for my father's touch and to be able to have a conversation with him just to get to know him. I ache for that. But it's never going to be my reality and I can't take it out on other people who do have that. So I'll figure out a way to deal with this someday. I have no doubts about that. But I gotta tell you that sometimes I hate being so self-aware and understanding my deepest, innermost thoughts because I gotta deal with profound truths that are brutal, intense and challenging. I understand why they say ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I'd rather not know these things. But alas, I do know them and I do feel them and I do have to deal with them.
So here's the deal: I am jealous and resentful of so many of you who have your fathers. I admit it. But I will not take it out on you and I still got nothing but love for you. Just do me a favor though. Don't take him for granted. Cherish every moment you get with him. And for those of you out there like me who are having a rough time with Father's Day because you have lost him, I just want you to know that I feel your pain. I understand what you're going through and I wish I could make it better for you. I know I can't but I wish that for you. And just remember that we are all in this together. Even if we have never met, we have a close bond that will always bind us together. We will always love our daddies and one day, when God sees fit, we will be reunited and get all that we long for now.
Thanks for reading guys.
God bless
Hug your dads (and your moms for that matter)
Mel
It's been twenty years since my dad passed away. You'd think I'd be able to handle days like this now. After all time heals all wounds right? WRONG. Time will never heal this wound. I will never get over it or past it. I have simply learned through the last two decades how to deal with it and live with it. I won't ever let it go either. There are times when seemingly out of the blue my thoughts will turn to my father and my mind will be consumed with these thoughts. I can't escape them. And, while its true that as time has passed it gets easier to think of the good times and smile, I still always find myself feeling such a heaviness and tightness in my chest due to the severity of the entire situation. I was eight years old when he died and in that moment, my whole life was altered permanently. It was a life defining moment and I was too young to even grasp the magnitude of the situation. I lost my innocence that day you see. I had to grow up and become an adult and feel adult things and understand adult things and yet I wasn't psychologically ready to do that. So I was simply lost, rejected, abandoned, scared, confused and in pain. I lived my life from that point on in isolation and in darkness. The hollowed out feeling and the constant numbness I felt was my norm. I didn't know anything else. So I never had a normal childhood. But lets be clear here: I'm not playing the victim writing this. I understand that this is life and there is nothing fair about it and that there is nobody to blame for what happened to me in my childhood or that I am the only one who has the market cornered on having to deal with this situation. I get that. But I'm just being honest when I say that I have had a chip on my shoulder since that night my father died. It's true. I have been treated unfairly by life and I have a lot of issues I have to deal with because of it. I recognize my issues now and where they stem from, but that doesn't make them disappear or make the war that wages inside of me easier to win. It just gives me hope that I can find a way to deal with the issues I have at some point.
What issues am I referring to? Well, for starters there is my abandonment issue. Yes, I know that nearly everyone who has lost a parent at a young age says they have this and I'm sure some of you want to roll your eyes and go here we go again with this "excuse". I have to tell you that I understand the sentiment from those who feel that way, I do. They simply cannot understand how it feels to lose somebody so vital and fundamental to your existence and who you look up to in so many ways. Its a case of not being able to understand because of lack of experience. Trust me, I am glad they don't have this experience under their belt. I am thrilled that they will never know what it's like to be left in such utter disarray with your head spinning in complete darkness and having your entire life destroyed after a parent's death as a young child. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy because it absolutely fucking sucks. There is nothing I would wish for more than that every child to never lose a parent in their childhood. But that is a wish that cannot be granted. So I can only say that for those who have never had to deal with it, wonderful. But you'll never understand how alone you feel after a parent passes away like that. To be eight years old and have my father die enstilled deep inside of me, the deepest parts of my subconscious, that to love somebody and to invest in somebody that much and to count on them with all of your being is a waste of time because they will only leave you in the end with nothing but despair and confusion and grief. It taught me to not invest in a relationship because why bother? The other person will eventually leave. And so you put up gargantuan walls around your heart so that nobody will ever get in. If they don't get to close, when they do end up leaving, it won't hurt cause you won't really let them get to you. So nobody ever really gets close to you. But yet you still cling to a person when you find them. You have such insecurity that they will eventually leave that you want them with you all the time. You never want them out of your sight. You cling to them as if they are a life preserver. I know that this seems very antithetical and you're right, it is. They are two polar extreme opposites to feel. On one hand you never want to bother to invest in anyone or anything so you close off your heart and mind but on the other hand, you latch onto anyone or anything so much so that they don't leave. But really, it all comes back to the same thing: the fear of being abandoned, rejected, and lost like that day when your father died and non stop chaos ensued. And if your that insecure and unstable, what is going to happen in the end? They are going to leave you and prove that your right for not ever truly investing in them to begin with. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. You really sabotage your own chances at any meaningful relationship by pushing them away with your insecurity and then when they do, you get to feel justified in being close guarded. Make sense? Probably not unless you have actually gone through this yourself. Like I said earlier, if you have never experienced that type of loss in your childhood you will read this and scratch your head saying to yourself this lady is one odd duck (which is true by the way) and will just be confused and possibly upset that you took time to read this. But if you have ever gone through a similar experience, then you understand what I just wrote about completely because you've been there. And you understand the futility you feel when every relationship around you collapses, how you feel unworthy, unlovable and like your a complete failure. And how alone you really feel even if your surrounded by people. You just feel like you are trapped in a dark shell and cannot escape from it. This is the war that is waged inside of me every day guys. Pushing people away so as to not invest in them or latching onto them and becoming so dependent on them, it becomes a matter of survival (but to the people I latch on to, it feels like its obsessive and in many ways it is) to have them around. I honestly don't know what to do with this. I recognize my behavior and why I do what I do, which is only because of the 18 months of therapy, but I still find it doesn't make me stop my behavior. I guess it's just a learning process that I still leave much to be desired on.
And speaking of recognizing truths about myself, here is the whole reason I wrote this blog today on Father's Day. I have been thinking a lot lately about this (as I said earlier I dread this day every year) and a couple weeks ago marked the 20 year anniversary of my dad's death. Since that day, I have really had a hard time dealing. Moreso than in past years and I wasn't sure why. So I went to therapy and had an intensive session, I mean we dug deep. And this is the truth that I came away with from that: I am resentful of others who still have their fathers and I am envious of them. I am. I don't know why but I thought I was not that way. I thought the feelings I had around this time of the year every year were about other things, and on some level they are, but the biggest reason I have such dread and depression around this time of the year is because I hate that I never got more time with my father. I hate that I had to grow up without him, that I had to live my life with such constant sorrow, I hate that I didn't even get the chance to know him at all, and that makes me resentful of those that got all that. When I think of other daughters who get to have their dads walk them down the aisle on their wedding day or have them give a congratulatory hug after graduation or who just get to get to know their dads, it makes me so envious and so damn resentful. Why? I still ask that question. It doesn't do any good to ask that question but I do it anyway. Why did I never get to have that? What makes me inferior to others that I didn't deserve to have that as well? I can't have that and it tears me up inside. I would give anything I have to be able to have my father back and be able to have all those things. I would. And I get totally pissed off when I realize that people out there still have their fathers, the only thing I long for in this life, and yet they don't know how lucky they got it. It infuriates me to no end when I hear people say that they have a father but they don't talk to him or they don't have a relationship with him. Yes, its their choice but it makes me so angry because they still have a dad. I would switch places with them in a fucking new york minute. They don't want a dad and they don't want to cherish him-fine. I will. And to have people who have their fathers around and just don't appreciate them for what they are makes me so mad and sad and disappointed. I wouldn't do that. It's almost like a woman who can't have a child but wants one so badly who constantly sees other women who have children that they don't cherish and appreciate. It's just something you want so badly, you can't see others have it and waste it. That's how I feel when I see other children with their fathers. I know it's not fair to them to feel that way. I know I'm judging them far too harshly but I cannot help how I feel. I want my dad here and I want a relationship with him and I'm never going to get it. And that knowledge brings unbelievable pain, sadness, agony, anger, resentment and disappointment to my mind, heart and soul. So I have to simply get over it. I know that. But it's not that easy. I long for my father's touch and to be able to have a conversation with him just to get to know him. I ache for that. But it's never going to be my reality and I can't take it out on other people who do have that. So I'll figure out a way to deal with this someday. I have no doubts about that. But I gotta tell you that sometimes I hate being so self-aware and understanding my deepest, innermost thoughts because I gotta deal with profound truths that are brutal, intense and challenging. I understand why they say ignorance is bliss. Sometimes I'd rather not know these things. But alas, I do know them and I do feel them and I do have to deal with them.
So here's the deal: I am jealous and resentful of so many of you who have your fathers. I admit it. But I will not take it out on you and I still got nothing but love for you. Just do me a favor though. Don't take him for granted. Cherish every moment you get with him. And for those of you out there like me who are having a rough time with Father's Day because you have lost him, I just want you to know that I feel your pain. I understand what you're going through and I wish I could make it better for you. I know I can't but I wish that for you. And just remember that we are all in this together. Even if we have never met, we have a close bond that will always bind us together. We will always love our daddies and one day, when God sees fit, we will be reunited and get all that we long for now.
Thanks for reading guys.
God bless
Hug your dads (and your moms for that matter)
Mel
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Freedom of (Disagreement) Speech
Hello again,
I hope this day finds you well and surrounded by love, peace and hope. I don't think I have yet blogged about how much of a twitter junkie I am, but suffice it to say, I love being on twitter. It's fun. It's entertaining and it's cool to have a place like that to express yourself and meet many new and interesting people. And I also find it awesome to be able to follow somebody with opposite viewpoints as me and that we can converse about this or discuss our different opinions. I love debate. I think it's wonderful as a human being to be able to talk about those different perspectives that help define us as individuals. And to live in a country where freedom of speech and expression is allowed. But here's the thing about freedom of speech: it is a two way street. I far too often see somebody post something on their twitter feed that other people respond to with displeasure because they disagree. And then the poster replies back with am I not allowed an opinion or I have the freedom of speech to express whatever I want. And while that is true, the same is true for the other side. The people who disagree with you have the same freedom to express their opinion of what you said. Freedom of speech does NOT mean that everyone must agree with you or shut up and keep their opinions to themselves. That's just not the way it works. I find it utterly frustrating when I see this happen (and since I'm on twitter all the time, I see it a LOT) because that is not what freedom of speech is about. The truth behind the first amendment right to freedom of speech is that the government "shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech". That literally means that the government cannot tell you what you can't and can speak about. They can't censor you (unless you make real threats against government officials). So, does that say anywhere that I can tweet what I want and cannot have anybody disagree with me and tweet that back to me or tweet a rebuttal? Nope, it doesn't work that way. I get so tired of people being labeled haters or bullies for simply disagreeing with someone else's opinions. There is a HUGE difference between disagreeing and hate speech or being a bully. I can disagree with you but I will always respect you as a person because at the end of the day, we're both human beings and are far more similar than we are different. That's why I love debate. I love learning. I love gaining perspective. I may not share your views but I sure would love to try to discuss them civilly. I think a lot of this country's problem is that we as people get so offended at the very thought of an opposing viewpoint that we become defensive and close minded. Whether we are progressives or conservatives, we believe what we believe and if anyone dares disagree or question us, we feel threatened and as though we are being treated harshly. I think we all need to take a step back and try to do more listening and less talking. I was once told that the reason God gave us two ears and one mouth was because we needed to listen twice as much as we talked. True that! We get so caught up in trying to be right or prove our point that we fail to listen to the other person and just feel that we are "right" and they are "wrong". Well, we feel what we feel don't we? I don't necessarily believe that there is a right and wrong on most issues (there are exceptions of course). So let's sit down and listen-I mean really listen and not just hear the other person. Hearing is simply a physiolical skill that most of us have. Listening is a psychological skill that most of us have a hard time doing. When we think we're right, we don't want to hear anything else so we just block it out. But that doesn't teach us anything. That teaches us to remain ignorant and to live in our own little box where nobody ever disagrees or calls you out on anything. That stunts our growth. We don't all feel the same or look at things the same way. Imagine you are at a screening of a film and they show you one scene and want you to interpret what you've just seen. Do you really think that everyone would see it the same way? Would all of their interpretations be the same? Of course not. So why do we think that everyone will see things the same in life. And when you talk to somebody else at that screening who saw the scene a different way than you did, would you call them stupid or crazy or wrong because of what they saw? I doubt it. You'd be intrigued that they saw things the way they did and you would want to talk to them to get more of their thoughts on the subject. And you may come away with a different perspective. You may not see what they see but you may have learned something. That's the way I try to approach everything in life. Not saying I'm perfect at it. There are times that I get frustrated with people who don't agree but I do my best to let that frustration pass and not let that get in the way of discussion. And I feel one of my strong points is my ability to detach my emotions from debate and just go on logic and I can see what the other side is saying. I am very firm and confident in my convictions but I am also not too stubborn or close minded to listen to another viewpoint. I am proud of that to be honest because people always tell me I'm a great listener and that I don't make them feel weird or ostracized or judged for feeling how they feel. I have an open mind and love open dialogue. My entire family, besides my brother who lives in Wisconsin, and most of my friends are staunch, hard core religious conservatives. I am not. But that doesn't keep me from talking to them about political or religious issues. I look forward to those conversations. For me, I care more about people being able to openly express their feelings and being a place they can go for that than I do about being right all the time. And I am glad that I can be that place for people. But again, I'm not sitting here rolling around in my perfection and slamming anyone else who may not be so open in their dialogue. It's not always really easy to do that. And let's be clear. I am for free speech and I openly exchange in dissenting dialogue. However, I do not and will not support hate speech or bullying of any kind. If I see that, I will call it out all the time no matter who is doing it or in what venue. There is a difference between a difference in opinion and bigotry. Bigotry cannot be tolerated. But it also can't always just be shut down either. Sometimes I do engage with bigoted points of view because I really want to try to make my point because I think maybe they just need to engage in an enriching debate. But what I've found out is you cannot argue with close minded, ignorant people. Their mind is made up and nothing I do or say will change it. So I simply pray for them. I do. I pray that they may find some answers and that they may open up their hearts and minds to the differences in the world because honestly, I feel sorry for them. To be that close hearted and closed off to anything that may vary from the way they see things has to make for a pretty miserable existence. So I just leave it to God. I can't change them. You can't change them. But God most certainly can. And so with that, I will leave you with this: free speech doesn't mean people have to be yes men who simply agree with everything you say. That doesn't make them a hater or a bully. It just makes them a unique person. Embrace that and do your best to open up the dialogue and step back from your own notions and opinions to listen to their side of the argument. In the end, it will make you a better person.
Until next time
All the best
Mel
I hope this day finds you well and surrounded by love, peace and hope. I don't think I have yet blogged about how much of a twitter junkie I am, but suffice it to say, I love being on twitter. It's fun. It's entertaining and it's cool to have a place like that to express yourself and meet many new and interesting people. And I also find it awesome to be able to follow somebody with opposite viewpoints as me and that we can converse about this or discuss our different opinions. I love debate. I think it's wonderful as a human being to be able to talk about those different perspectives that help define us as individuals. And to live in a country where freedom of speech and expression is allowed. But here's the thing about freedom of speech: it is a two way street. I far too often see somebody post something on their twitter feed that other people respond to with displeasure because they disagree. And then the poster replies back with am I not allowed an opinion or I have the freedom of speech to express whatever I want. And while that is true, the same is true for the other side. The people who disagree with you have the same freedom to express their opinion of what you said. Freedom of speech does NOT mean that everyone must agree with you or shut up and keep their opinions to themselves. That's just not the way it works. I find it utterly frustrating when I see this happen (and since I'm on twitter all the time, I see it a LOT) because that is not what freedom of speech is about. The truth behind the first amendment right to freedom of speech is that the government "shall make no law abridging the freedom of speech". That literally means that the government cannot tell you what you can't and can speak about. They can't censor you (unless you make real threats against government officials). So, does that say anywhere that I can tweet what I want and cannot have anybody disagree with me and tweet that back to me or tweet a rebuttal? Nope, it doesn't work that way. I get so tired of people being labeled haters or bullies for simply disagreeing with someone else's opinions. There is a HUGE difference between disagreeing and hate speech or being a bully. I can disagree with you but I will always respect you as a person because at the end of the day, we're both human beings and are far more similar than we are different. That's why I love debate. I love learning. I love gaining perspective. I may not share your views but I sure would love to try to discuss them civilly. I think a lot of this country's problem is that we as people get so offended at the very thought of an opposing viewpoint that we become defensive and close minded. Whether we are progressives or conservatives, we believe what we believe and if anyone dares disagree or question us, we feel threatened and as though we are being treated harshly. I think we all need to take a step back and try to do more listening and less talking. I was once told that the reason God gave us two ears and one mouth was because we needed to listen twice as much as we talked. True that! We get so caught up in trying to be right or prove our point that we fail to listen to the other person and just feel that we are "right" and they are "wrong". Well, we feel what we feel don't we? I don't necessarily believe that there is a right and wrong on most issues (there are exceptions of course). So let's sit down and listen-I mean really listen and not just hear the other person. Hearing is simply a physiolical skill that most of us have. Listening is a psychological skill that most of us have a hard time doing. When we think we're right, we don't want to hear anything else so we just block it out. But that doesn't teach us anything. That teaches us to remain ignorant and to live in our own little box where nobody ever disagrees or calls you out on anything. That stunts our growth. We don't all feel the same or look at things the same way. Imagine you are at a screening of a film and they show you one scene and want you to interpret what you've just seen. Do you really think that everyone would see it the same way? Would all of their interpretations be the same? Of course not. So why do we think that everyone will see things the same in life. And when you talk to somebody else at that screening who saw the scene a different way than you did, would you call them stupid or crazy or wrong because of what they saw? I doubt it. You'd be intrigued that they saw things the way they did and you would want to talk to them to get more of their thoughts on the subject. And you may come away with a different perspective. You may not see what they see but you may have learned something. That's the way I try to approach everything in life. Not saying I'm perfect at it. There are times that I get frustrated with people who don't agree but I do my best to let that frustration pass and not let that get in the way of discussion. And I feel one of my strong points is my ability to detach my emotions from debate and just go on logic and I can see what the other side is saying. I am very firm and confident in my convictions but I am also not too stubborn or close minded to listen to another viewpoint. I am proud of that to be honest because people always tell me I'm a great listener and that I don't make them feel weird or ostracized or judged for feeling how they feel. I have an open mind and love open dialogue. My entire family, besides my brother who lives in Wisconsin, and most of my friends are staunch, hard core religious conservatives. I am not. But that doesn't keep me from talking to them about political or religious issues. I look forward to those conversations. For me, I care more about people being able to openly express their feelings and being a place they can go for that than I do about being right all the time. And I am glad that I can be that place for people. But again, I'm not sitting here rolling around in my perfection and slamming anyone else who may not be so open in their dialogue. It's not always really easy to do that. And let's be clear. I am for free speech and I openly exchange in dissenting dialogue. However, I do not and will not support hate speech or bullying of any kind. If I see that, I will call it out all the time no matter who is doing it or in what venue. There is a difference between a difference in opinion and bigotry. Bigotry cannot be tolerated. But it also can't always just be shut down either. Sometimes I do engage with bigoted points of view because I really want to try to make my point because I think maybe they just need to engage in an enriching debate. But what I've found out is you cannot argue with close minded, ignorant people. Their mind is made up and nothing I do or say will change it. So I simply pray for them. I do. I pray that they may find some answers and that they may open up their hearts and minds to the differences in the world because honestly, I feel sorry for them. To be that close hearted and closed off to anything that may vary from the way they see things has to make for a pretty miserable existence. So I just leave it to God. I can't change them. You can't change them. But God most certainly can. And so with that, I will leave you with this: free speech doesn't mean people have to be yes men who simply agree with everything you say. That doesn't make them a hater or a bully. It just makes them a unique person. Embrace that and do your best to open up the dialogue and step back from your own notions and opinions to listen to their side of the argument. In the end, it will make you a better person.
Until next time
All the best
Mel
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Catching Up
Hey everybody,
I'm baaaaaaaccccck. Did you miss me? I'm sure you did and are now jumping up and down on your couch in your very own Tom Cruise moment of exhiliaration at my return to blogging. Sorry, I've been MIA. For somebody who loves writing as much as I do, you'd think I could keep up with this blog better. But, life has simply gotten in the way. Well, that's not true. I just have gotten in my own way and made the excuse that life has gotten in the way. And it's not that I have had nothing to say. Trust me, anybody who knows me can attest, I always have plenty to say. That's not the issue. I just haven't felt motivated and had no desire to write this blog. I have been writing though because I'm a writer. It's what I do. It's as much a part of me as the air I breathe. But it's been writing more poems, more plays and I've added something new to my repertoire-song lyrics. If only I were a musician, I could have some songs composed by now but since I am not, I have to settle for being a lyricist. Oh well, I guess I can't be everything lol. This new venture of writing for me is awesome because now I feel I can actually take the step and actually write a musical, which is something I've longed dreamed of doing but never had the confidence to actually try. Not any longer though. Now I believe I can and so I will try. Will I fail? Who the hell knows, but I'll never know unless I try.
So, what else have I been up to lately besides writing? Well, since you asked, I have found myself doing something I never really thought I'd do. I have become heavily involved in politics. Growing up, I always thought the most boring thing in the world was politics, but then again I also thought I was a Republican so that shows how much I knew when I was younger. So now that I have grown up and evolved, I realize just how much politics isn't boring and how much passion I have for it. I have been grassrooting for President Obama's re-election campaign since the early fall and that has been going pretty rough to be perfectly honest but it's not surprising at all. Let's consider the climate I live in. I live smack dab in the middle of republican country Indiana. I am literally almost the only Democrat I know in about a thirty mile radius (hyperbolic sure but you get the picture). I haven't got a lot of success but that's okay. It's not really about the money I end up fundraising to help ensure the best candidate for the oval office gets re-elected in November. It's about the fact that I am taking a chance and becoming involved and getting active in things I am passionate about. That's a HUGE statement for me because I used to always stand back in the shadows and stay silent for fear of being noticed and having my voice heard. I used to be so damn afraid of my convictions and how I felt that I would just let other people drown me out. Now, I don't stand on the sidelines. I don't let others drown me out. I refuse to stand back in the shadows and not be heard. I am letting my voice be heard and standing up for what I believe in. Some people agree with me. Some people don't. But I am not afraid of differing opinions or putting myself out there only to be rejected or ostracized even. That is something that five years ago would not have ever have happened. Shows such tremendous growth and courage on my part. I am so proud of myself for that.
Besides becoming more active politically, I am also more actively involved in another passion of mine, charitable causes. I have always had a passion for helping other people no matter how small it may have seemed. And now I have started to get out and become involved in the community. Whether it's donating blood or volunteering at Relay For Life and most recently, building for Habitat for Humanity, it's such a privilege for me to be a part of something that helps fellow citizens. I truly believe that we as human beings have a responsibililty to help each other out in any way we can. I believe for me personally that this is my purpose and calling in life (besides writing). I just volunteered to spend two days down in New Orleans with the St. Bernard Project to help build a home for people who have been without adequate housing since Hurricane Katrina. I can't help but feel excited about the chance to do this type of work, even if I have never really done too much building. With Habitat for Humanity, it's been more advocacy and monetary donations-not hands on. But I look forward to that experience and giving hope and help to a few people who have been living in hopelessness and helplessness for far too long.
And with that, I will close this blog out. I wish you all much peace and much love until the next time.
Mel
I'm baaaaaaaccccck. Did you miss me? I'm sure you did and are now jumping up and down on your couch in your very own Tom Cruise moment of exhiliaration at my return to blogging. Sorry, I've been MIA. For somebody who loves writing as much as I do, you'd think I could keep up with this blog better. But, life has simply gotten in the way. Well, that's not true. I just have gotten in my own way and made the excuse that life has gotten in the way. And it's not that I have had nothing to say. Trust me, anybody who knows me can attest, I always have plenty to say. That's not the issue. I just haven't felt motivated and had no desire to write this blog. I have been writing though because I'm a writer. It's what I do. It's as much a part of me as the air I breathe. But it's been writing more poems, more plays and I've added something new to my repertoire-song lyrics. If only I were a musician, I could have some songs composed by now but since I am not, I have to settle for being a lyricist. Oh well, I guess I can't be everything lol. This new venture of writing for me is awesome because now I feel I can actually take the step and actually write a musical, which is something I've longed dreamed of doing but never had the confidence to actually try. Not any longer though. Now I believe I can and so I will try. Will I fail? Who the hell knows, but I'll never know unless I try.
So, what else have I been up to lately besides writing? Well, since you asked, I have found myself doing something I never really thought I'd do. I have become heavily involved in politics. Growing up, I always thought the most boring thing in the world was politics, but then again I also thought I was a Republican so that shows how much I knew when I was younger. So now that I have grown up and evolved, I realize just how much politics isn't boring and how much passion I have for it. I have been grassrooting for President Obama's re-election campaign since the early fall and that has been going pretty rough to be perfectly honest but it's not surprising at all. Let's consider the climate I live in. I live smack dab in the middle of republican country Indiana. I am literally almost the only Democrat I know in about a thirty mile radius (hyperbolic sure but you get the picture). I haven't got a lot of success but that's okay. It's not really about the money I end up fundraising to help ensure the best candidate for the oval office gets re-elected in November. It's about the fact that I am taking a chance and becoming involved and getting active in things I am passionate about. That's a HUGE statement for me because I used to always stand back in the shadows and stay silent for fear of being noticed and having my voice heard. I used to be so damn afraid of my convictions and how I felt that I would just let other people drown me out. Now, I don't stand on the sidelines. I don't let others drown me out. I refuse to stand back in the shadows and not be heard. I am letting my voice be heard and standing up for what I believe in. Some people agree with me. Some people don't. But I am not afraid of differing opinions or putting myself out there only to be rejected or ostracized even. That is something that five years ago would not have ever have happened. Shows such tremendous growth and courage on my part. I am so proud of myself for that.
Besides becoming more active politically, I am also more actively involved in another passion of mine, charitable causes. I have always had a passion for helping other people no matter how small it may have seemed. And now I have started to get out and become involved in the community. Whether it's donating blood or volunteering at Relay For Life and most recently, building for Habitat for Humanity, it's such a privilege for me to be a part of something that helps fellow citizens. I truly believe that we as human beings have a responsibililty to help each other out in any way we can. I believe for me personally that this is my purpose and calling in life (besides writing). I just volunteered to spend two days down in New Orleans with the St. Bernard Project to help build a home for people who have been without adequate housing since Hurricane Katrina. I can't help but feel excited about the chance to do this type of work, even if I have never really done too much building. With Habitat for Humanity, it's been more advocacy and monetary donations-not hands on. But I look forward to that experience and giving hope and help to a few people who have been living in hopelessness and helplessness for far too long.
And with that, I will close this blog out. I wish you all much peace and much love until the next time.
Mel
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Why it's more than just a game to me
Hey everyone! How's it going wherever you are in the world? I hope it's all good and if it's not, just hang in there cause it will get better. It's just a temporary setback. For myself, I'm doing fantabulously well. I am very very VERY happy because my beloved St. Louis Cardinals are National League Champs for this year!! What an incredible run they are on right now to go from being dead in the water at 10 1/2 games back at the beginning of September to playing in yet another Fall Classic this season. It is an amazing, and unbelivable run. I am one of the most loyal, die hard and devoted Cards fan there is but even I am amazed and shocked at how the last few weeks have turned out. I admit I had no faith this team would make the playoffs. I was sure they were done. I was positive that all of us in Cardinal nation would have to wait until next year for another chance. And I could not be more happy to be wrong.I hate being wrong but in this case, I am damn proud to be wrong!!! I am so happy for this team and for all of the fans of this incredible team and organization. What an amazing ride to be on! And I feel so blessed to be able to see yet another pennant be one this year. That makes 3 in 8 years. That's not something that happens very often with too many fans. It's special and I don't forget that as I go through this enjoyment of rooting on this team I love so well. And I tell you all this so I can tell you the following story of just why I love the baseball in general, the Cardinals in particular and why I always cry when they do so well.
My father loved baseball. He was a very modest, soft spoken, even keeled man who worked hard and supported his family. And he didn't have too much time of leisure. But when he did have that time, he enjoyed baseball. And his favorite team was the St. Louis Cardinals. And so I was a fan by birthright. I didn't choose to be a Red Bird fan. I was born into it. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of listening to Jack Buck every night as he did the play by play of the Cards. I would fall asleep listening to his one of a kind, incredibly brilliant baseball voice. (and when I was younger I NEVER stayed awake for the whole game). My brother and I would each grab a pillow and curl up on the bed and listen to the broadcast after we did our homework and after I'd fall asleep in my brother's room, my mom would yell for me a few hours later and I'd go up to bed. I remember that the teams back then in the early 90s weren't very good even though they had the Wizard but it didn't matter to me. I just remember always being excited to listen to the Cards story that night as told to me by Jack Buck. My father couldn't listen to many of the games because he worked the night shifts and wasn't around a radio very often but he would always somehow know what happened in each game and how well the team played. (I found out later that he had snuck a radio in with him and would listen to the games while he was working). We never got to go to a baseball game at Busch Stadium, my father and I. You see, he died when I was eight. It was sudden and unexpected. It was surreal to go through that. I was only eight and had lost my father. And in those next few months and years, I struggled greatly as did my other siblings and my mother. We couldn't hardly bear the pain and agony at times. But in those hard times, I know I found comfort listening to the Cardinals on the radio. I know my brother did too. And I know it may sound crazy but it was as if we would get lost in the game for a few hours and get so caught up in that world of baseball that everything else would just fall away and be forgotten. Even though I loved my father and missed him greatly, whenever I would hear a Cardinal game it would relax me. It would calm me. It would soothe me. And it would even make me smile at times. I remember finally going to a game at Busch. It was so amazing. I can still feel the excitement of actually seeing a game live and living the action in person. That is something I will not soon, if ever, forget. And through my love of baseball, my love of other sports began. I started to find such passion and love in all things sport whether it be football, basketball, hockey. It didn't matter then, just as it doesn't matter now, what sport it was. If it was a sport, I'd play it or I'd watch it. I was a huge tomboy growing up. I'd always much rather be outside with my brothers and the boys than inside with my sisters and my mother. I have grown out of that a little bit, but my love for sports is still strong and runs deep. And at the very core of that love is my love of baseball. It's my first love. I have loved it and been interested in it since before I can really even remember. I don't ever remember not loving baseball and not loving the Cardinals. I have always lived and breathed Cardinal baseball from March to September (with hopes of it stretching into October) and then talking about it in the offseason. I still to this day find the same comfort and relaxation in following this sport (even though during the playoffs I develop all kinds of ulcers). And the reason why the sport matters to me so much and why I have so much passion and devotion for the Red Birds is because it brought me close to my brothers and my father. I never really got to know my father. I was barely eight when he died and he worked a LOT and I went to school and time just never seemed to be something we had a vast supply of. But I know he loved baseball and he loved the St. Lous Cardinals and he loved his family. So for me, any time the Cardinals play, it's not just a game. It's more. It's feeling that connection to my father. I still feel him so very close to me and I can still hear him cheering any time the Cards make a great play. And I wish so much that he could have been around to see them win the pennants and I especially wish he could have seen them win it all in '06 because if he had time on his side, he would have only been 62 that year. Some men would have been blessed with that many years. But God didn't see fit for my dad to live to see the seasons of glory the Cardinals have had this century. That's okay. I don't question it. God has a plan for everything.And I know my dad can still see the games and I have no doubt what he's witnessed this year has made him the life of the party up there in Heaven. He's probably pissing off all the Cubs fans up there. (oh well dad, let them have it). And as for me, I am gonna root for the Cardinals in the series this year just as I have rooted for them the past 26 years of my existence-with intense passion and total devotion. Go Cards!!!! Bring home another WS title! And daddy, don't stop cheering them on. I don't think you can get a hoarse throat in heaven. (but I'll be sure to get one down here for both of us)
Until next time
Keep the faith and don't ever give up
Mel
My father loved baseball. He was a very modest, soft spoken, even keeled man who worked hard and supported his family. And he didn't have too much time of leisure. But when he did have that time, he enjoyed baseball. And his favorite team was the St. Louis Cardinals. And so I was a fan by birthright. I didn't choose to be a Red Bird fan. I was born into it. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of listening to Jack Buck every night as he did the play by play of the Cards. I would fall asleep listening to his one of a kind, incredibly brilliant baseball voice. (and when I was younger I NEVER stayed awake for the whole game). My brother and I would each grab a pillow and curl up on the bed and listen to the broadcast after we did our homework and after I'd fall asleep in my brother's room, my mom would yell for me a few hours later and I'd go up to bed. I remember that the teams back then in the early 90s weren't very good even though they had the Wizard but it didn't matter to me. I just remember always being excited to listen to the Cards story that night as told to me by Jack Buck. My father couldn't listen to many of the games because he worked the night shifts and wasn't around a radio very often but he would always somehow know what happened in each game and how well the team played. (I found out later that he had snuck a radio in with him and would listen to the games while he was working). We never got to go to a baseball game at Busch Stadium, my father and I. You see, he died when I was eight. It was sudden and unexpected. It was surreal to go through that. I was only eight and had lost my father. And in those next few months and years, I struggled greatly as did my other siblings and my mother. We couldn't hardly bear the pain and agony at times. But in those hard times, I know I found comfort listening to the Cardinals on the radio. I know my brother did too. And I know it may sound crazy but it was as if we would get lost in the game for a few hours and get so caught up in that world of baseball that everything else would just fall away and be forgotten. Even though I loved my father and missed him greatly, whenever I would hear a Cardinal game it would relax me. It would calm me. It would soothe me. And it would even make me smile at times. I remember finally going to a game at Busch. It was so amazing. I can still feel the excitement of actually seeing a game live and living the action in person. That is something I will not soon, if ever, forget. And through my love of baseball, my love of other sports began. I started to find such passion and love in all things sport whether it be football, basketball, hockey. It didn't matter then, just as it doesn't matter now, what sport it was. If it was a sport, I'd play it or I'd watch it. I was a huge tomboy growing up. I'd always much rather be outside with my brothers and the boys than inside with my sisters and my mother. I have grown out of that a little bit, but my love for sports is still strong and runs deep. And at the very core of that love is my love of baseball. It's my first love. I have loved it and been interested in it since before I can really even remember. I don't ever remember not loving baseball and not loving the Cardinals. I have always lived and breathed Cardinal baseball from March to September (with hopes of it stretching into October) and then talking about it in the offseason. I still to this day find the same comfort and relaxation in following this sport (even though during the playoffs I develop all kinds of ulcers). And the reason why the sport matters to me so much and why I have so much passion and devotion for the Red Birds is because it brought me close to my brothers and my father. I never really got to know my father. I was barely eight when he died and he worked a LOT and I went to school and time just never seemed to be something we had a vast supply of. But I know he loved baseball and he loved the St. Lous Cardinals and he loved his family. So for me, any time the Cardinals play, it's not just a game. It's more. It's feeling that connection to my father. I still feel him so very close to me and I can still hear him cheering any time the Cards make a great play. And I wish so much that he could have been around to see them win the pennants and I especially wish he could have seen them win it all in '06 because if he had time on his side, he would have only been 62 that year. Some men would have been blessed with that many years. But God didn't see fit for my dad to live to see the seasons of glory the Cardinals have had this century. That's okay. I don't question it. God has a plan for everything.And I know my dad can still see the games and I have no doubt what he's witnessed this year has made him the life of the party up there in Heaven. He's probably pissing off all the Cubs fans up there. (oh well dad, let them have it). And as for me, I am gonna root for the Cardinals in the series this year just as I have rooted for them the past 26 years of my existence-with intense passion and total devotion. Go Cards!!!! Bring home another WS title! And daddy, don't stop cheering them on. I don't think you can get a hoarse throat in heaven. (but I'll be sure to get one down here for both of us)
Until next time
Keep the faith and don't ever give up
Mel
Thursday, October 13, 2011
I just wanna live
Hey everybody. Yep, its been awhile. I am having way more difficulty keeping up with this blog than I thought I would. But that's life. I have been super busy doing lots of different things going lots of different places and just enjoying every moment. Which is the subject of today's blog. It's about life and learning to appreciate each and every moment, both good and bad because it's all we get. And as I have grown and matured, I have come to understand the following.I don't want to die.I don't. But even more than that,I don't want to not live life and experience it to the fullest.And I mean experience all of it.
Immense pain. Intense joy.
Immeasurable sadness.
Indescribable beauty.
Passion. Pride. Hope.
Disgust. Anguish. Anger.
I want to feel it all
And I will take the bad with the good
And the pain with the joy
And the sorrow with the happiness.
And all take my failures along with my successes.
Because the beautiful,yet frustrating thing
about life is this;
We can never truly appreciate the joy without
also experiencing sorrow
There is no way of truly being happy without going through sadness
Without first experiencing disappointment we never truly feel satisfaction.
Without first failing, we never know true success
If we never go through the darkness
We can't appreciate the glow of the light
If we don't lose, we wont truly appreciate and enjoy when we win.
That is the honest and brutal truth
We can settle for playing it safe and just getting by
And let our fear overwhelm us and overtake us
Let that fear consume us and keep us from going for what we want and strive for
Or we can let go of the fear, have faith and just go for it. Maybe its dangerous and maybe I'll die in the process of going after it
And I don't want to die
But even more than that, I don't want to not live. I don't want to live in fear and play it safe. I dont want to live the next fifty years settling for less and living in predictable safety. I don't wanna waste another minute being scared of going after what I dream and reaching for all my potential. That is gonna lead to regret and living with regret and the constant question of what might have been and if only is a fate far worse than death. I'd rather die today living life to the fullest and experiencing it all than living to be a hundred without ever taking a chance. Life is a high risk high reward. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose: but if you never play the game, you will ALWAYS lose. And that's unacceptable and inexcusable to me. Life is too precious of a commodity to waste on any investment that is less than fulfilling. I don't even mean fulfilling as in successful and winning either. I think failure is just as important as success. What better way to get motivated to win than by losing. It's not about whether I'll fail or fall down, that will happen. It matters how many times I am willing to get back up and face the challenge. Adversity will strike. Character is born and created in the face of that adversity. How will I handle myself? That's when I will reveal my true self. And in those moments I strive to do my best. And to learn and attain as much knowledge as I can. Life is about growth and adaptation. It's about how much you are willing to focus, to listen, to understand, and to use everything you've learned to change yourself and better yourself so that you can help others as much and as often as you can. I want to do that. I want to help people and give to others as much as I can. I want to go as many places as I can, meet as many people as I can and live as much as I can. I want to feel enthusiasm and passion in all that I do and say and I want to always feel. Whether it's pain or joy, happiness or sadness, anger or contentment , I want to feel something always. And I always want to seize the day and live in each moment. Cause life is simply a series of many moments linked together like a chain and once you go through that moment, it passes on down the line-unable to be replicated or repeated. So in my life I'm gonna strive to always seize the day,live not just for today but for this moment, and never play it safe or settle for less than what I deserve. No I don't want to die. I want to live....until I die.
And until next time,
living life as it comes and breathing it all in
Mel
Immense pain. Intense joy.
Immeasurable sadness.
Indescribable beauty.
Passion. Pride. Hope.
Disgust. Anguish. Anger.
I want to feel it all
And I will take the bad with the good
And the pain with the joy
And the sorrow with the happiness.
And all take my failures along with my successes.
Because the beautiful,yet frustrating thing
about life is this;
We can never truly appreciate the joy without
also experiencing sorrow
There is no way of truly being happy without going through sadness
Without first experiencing disappointment we never truly feel satisfaction.
Without first failing, we never know true success
If we never go through the darkness
We can't appreciate the glow of the light
If we don't lose, we wont truly appreciate and enjoy when we win.
That is the honest and brutal truth
We can settle for playing it safe and just getting by
And let our fear overwhelm us and overtake us
Let that fear consume us and keep us from going for what we want and strive for
Or we can let go of the fear, have faith and just go for it. Maybe its dangerous and maybe I'll die in the process of going after it
And I don't want to die
But even more than that, I don't want to not live. I don't want to live in fear and play it safe. I dont want to live the next fifty years settling for less and living in predictable safety. I don't wanna waste another minute being scared of going after what I dream and reaching for all my potential. That is gonna lead to regret and living with regret and the constant question of what might have been and if only is a fate far worse than death. I'd rather die today living life to the fullest and experiencing it all than living to be a hundred without ever taking a chance. Life is a high risk high reward. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose: but if you never play the game, you will ALWAYS lose. And that's unacceptable and inexcusable to me. Life is too precious of a commodity to waste on any investment that is less than fulfilling. I don't even mean fulfilling as in successful and winning either. I think failure is just as important as success. What better way to get motivated to win than by losing. It's not about whether I'll fail or fall down, that will happen. It matters how many times I am willing to get back up and face the challenge. Adversity will strike. Character is born and created in the face of that adversity. How will I handle myself? That's when I will reveal my true self. And in those moments I strive to do my best. And to learn and attain as much knowledge as I can. Life is about growth and adaptation. It's about how much you are willing to focus, to listen, to understand, and to use everything you've learned to change yourself and better yourself so that you can help others as much and as often as you can. I want to do that. I want to help people and give to others as much as I can. I want to go as many places as I can, meet as many people as I can and live as much as I can. I want to feel enthusiasm and passion in all that I do and say and I want to always feel. Whether it's pain or joy, happiness or sadness, anger or contentment , I want to feel something always. And I always want to seize the day and live in each moment. Cause life is simply a series of many moments linked together like a chain and once you go through that moment, it passes on down the line-unable to be replicated or repeated. So in my life I'm gonna strive to always seize the day,live not just for today but for this moment, and never play it safe or settle for less than what I deserve. No I don't want to die. I want to live....until I die.
And until next time,
living life as it comes and breathing it all in
Mel
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Ten Years Later
Where were you? That's the question that people ask whenever some sort of national tragedy happens. It was the question everyone is asked about the day President John Kennedy was shot. It was the question that was asked when Challenger exploded a little over two minutes into it's journey to space. It was the question asked the day of the Oklahoma City bombing. It seems every generation has one of those days where such a profound and intense tragedy happens which causes people to remember always where they were and what they were doing when it happened. For myself and many, many others this day for me was September 11th, 2001. It is a day that, as in the words of FDR after Pearl Harbor, will live in infamy. Those images of that bright, clear fall morning suddenly filled with unthinkable destruction, unimaginable pain, and inconceivable pictures of planes being flown into the World Trade Center, our Pentagon missing a large chunk after being hit with a jetliner and the flames being so large and engulfing-raging out of control. I still remember seeing the sheer panic and fear on everybody's faces as nobody could quite comprehend what was going on but yet was so terrified of what the next target would be and who else was going to be under attack. I was a senior in high school and was in first period Spanish when we started to talk about a plane crashing into the World Trade Center and thinking nothing too terrible. Just that it was odd. And then word quickly spread that another plane had hit the second tower. And within minutes, we all just knew that this was no ordinary-albeit strange-accident. We just had this sickening feeling that it was more. And as I made a phone call home to my sister who was watching all the carnage and chaos live on television and she was telling me exactly what was going on, I knew that our country, our own people were under attack. By whom? I did not know. But I knew that our entire country was a target and since we live within thirty miles of a Naval Warfare base that makes all sorts of missiles and weapons for the Navy, my first thought was Oh my Goodness, what if that's their next target? Not knowing anything about the who or the why, it made the events of that day even more terrifying. To see somebody hate us so much that they used our own planes filled with our own people to destroy our own buildings was an idea that coul have never been dreamed up for any Hollywood movie. That there is that type of evil in the world just made my stomach hurt. And as I went to US History that morning, the television was on CNN and we spent the entire hour watching. It was utter and complete silence in that classroom. Twenty 17 and 18 year olds sitting in a classroom watching as their fellow countrymen and women were scrambling around, running, screaming with looks of extreme terror and pain. And we watched as people, rather than being burned alive, decided to jump off the building from 80+ stories up. There was no chance they'd survive that fall and yet they believed that was the better option. How horrible is that? To make the choice to jump to your certain death rather than stay inside an intense inferno? I can't even imagine that circumstance. It still makes me cry and it makes me bleed to my soul to know the unimaginable agony the last few minutes of these people's lives had to have been like. It's hard to remember that. It is. It's also hard to remember seeing that building collapse. Watching that tower crumble like a cracker was devastating beyond words. I remember being in the class and watching that and being able to hear nothing but gasps and sighs of shock, disgust, disbelief and anger. I remember feeling so angry, so sad, so afraid and so distraught all at once. It was an intense mix of emotions and the more I saw the footage of the absolute devastation in the streets of NYC and at the Pentagon, the more those emotions were churning inside of me. I also remember going to lunch that day and not having any appetite at all. I skipped lunch and went to the library to get on the internet to try and find out more details. To try and see what was happening because it felt as if I was physically in Indiana in a school house, but mentally, emotionally and spiritually I was right there along side of so many other Americans living this nightmare. It was a day that I can remember all my movements, all my thoughts, all my feelings which is significant because if you asked me what I did last week or how I felt yesterday, I probably couldn't tell you. I don't remember. But ask me where I was, what I was doing, how I was feeling, ask me to account for every second of that day in September ten years ago and I can. I can recall every waking second. I can recall every last detail vividly. I can't forget. I won't forget. I don't want to forget because as hard as the truth is of that day,the fact is I remember to honor those who were lost. I don't want to forget because to forget means we forget the first responders-the ones who were running into the burning and raging inferno to help while everyone else was running out of it or away from it. I don't want to forget the heroes on Flight 93 who sacrificed everything to try and take back the control the terrorists had first taken from them. They died doing it their way. I am not saying they wanted to die but they made a choice in that moment they chose to take over the plane and knew that if it didn't work, they'd be dead and yet they did it anyway, refusing to just sit back and let the terrorists win by doing what they wanted. It was not going to end the way the terrorists wanted. And those passengers made the choice. I often find myself asking if I was faced with that same difficult,seemingly impossible situation, would I do the same thing? Would I sacrifice my life and try and do the right thing? I don't know the answer but I do know that I am inspired by those heroes on a daily basis. What they did and the heroism they displayed is such an amazingly beautiful thing. They are true heroes in every sense of the word and the courage, bravery and strength they showed to the rest of the world brings hope, inspiration and encouragement to those of us left behind. And that is why I want to remember. I want to remember all the faces and the names of the lives that were taken that day. Not because they weren't lost too soon or because their lives were taken in the most heinous, brutal way imaginable but because their lives mattered. They lived and loved and laughed and inspired and led and fought and bled and they died simply because they went to work that day or because they were flying home to see their families or going to work somewhere else. They were humans and they were doing what they did best: living. That's why the best way I can think of to honor them and their memories is by living, by laughing, by loving, by promoting peace and trying to encourage, inspire and promote peace. That's the way they lived.That's the way you and I will live. Because they may be gone from this earth physically, but yet their spirits and souls remain and surround us. They help us keep living and keep going, even when it's tough. And though I will never know what the surviving famiy and friends feel, I will forever stand by them and with them on this day and all days. I will shed tears for them and their struggles. I will laugh with them when they feel joy. I will walk them in the darkest places so that they don't feel so alone and so surrounded by grief and pain. I share in their sorrow and I offer them solace by praying for them, by sending them positive energy and thoughts and by doing my part in sharing and by simply living. I know it may not seem like much but it can be the simplest, smallest gesture that can make the most difference to someone who is in tremendous pain. And that's the best way to honor those who died on that day. By living. By giving. By being better. By going out and spreading hope, love and peace and not hate or anger. So that's what I do. I don't want to forget, even if I could. Because then I would forget all those people who died so young, so innocently, so senselessly and so brutally. I believe that I owe them that. And going back to the day it happened, I remember feeling so helpless towards any of the victims' families or any of the survivors who lived through the ordeal. I felt like I wanted to help but didn't know how. And so I went down to the Red Cross and donated blood. I didn't know how that would help or if it would help but I just had to do something. It was the only thing I could do. And as I remember the days and weeks following the total chaos of that Tuesday morning, I remember the way everyone in this country united. How we all became stronger and how this nation did NOT fold and did NOT implode but raised up together as one entity and stood up against the hatred and the violence of those involved and refused to let them win. They wanted to take away our passion and our livelihood. They wanted to divide and destroy us, instead we came together and helped each other out. I remember how awesome it was to see the unity and the togetherness we had in the months following the attacks. Now, ten years later, I can say that I don't see that same type of unity and togetherness. I don't see us throwing aside all labels, all judgments, all notions, all political parties and just uniting as one large entity who look to each other as fellow Americans rather than as a liberal or conservative or Christian or atheist or gay or straight. That day and the days following it were an appalling and terrible tragedy but it brought out the very best in us. The most evil and destructive forces that we have ever seen tried to ruin us and we did the exact opposite. We thrived. We overcame. We united. But somewhere along the way in the past ten years, we have lost that unity. We don't have that same passionate spirit because we look too much at our differences and begrudge each other for them rather than embrace those differences and realize that that is what makes this country great. The diversity of this nation is something to be celebrated and revered, not condemned and mocked which is what seems to be the trend these days. Do we really want to honor our fallen heroes in this way? Do we really want to ignore the lessons they taught us that day by paying the ultimate price with their lives? The heroes of that day were as diverse as they come and yet when the time and situation called on them to come together as one and to forget about the differences between them, they stood up as Americans-and as human beings-to fight against the terrorism and the hate. That's what we need to remember today as we think back on September 11, 2001. Let's not just remember the anger and the sadness and the chaos and the destruction, but let's also remember the unity that was created. Let's remember that in one of the biggest atrocities to ever face a nation, we didn't let hatred and evil win out. We united together to stand firm in our belief in each other and in our love for one another. Let's not let the evil and hate win out a decade later. Let's get back to that type of unity and togetherness. That's what we need to remember. That's what we need to do to honor the 3,000 men, women and children lost that day. And today, ten years later, that's my hope and my prayer. Let us not only remember the victims and their families, but also let's remember how united and how together we were. United we stand was the slogan that was started in the aftermath of this tragedy. Let's get back to that. As I look back on what I remember and what I felt in the days, weeks, and months afterwards the biggest memory I have is of everybody standing around waving the American flag singing God Bless America or My Country Tis of Thee or The Star Spangled Banner and standing arm in arm with the person next to them. It was the beautiful part of all the ugly, it was the light in all of the darkness and it was the joy in all of the sorrow. I want us to all stand united once more and break out into a chorus of America the Beautiful. Are you with me? Can we get back to that place? I don't know this but I firmly believe with all my soul that that is what each and every person who died on that day would want as well. September 11,2001 is a day that is etched in all of our minds forever and that has stained our hearts permanently. Let's not let it make us bitter, let it make us better.
God Bless America. God Bless each and every one of you!
Blessings
Mel
God Bless America. God Bless each and every one of you!
Blessings
Mel
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)