Feelings Matter

 Hello everyone! I hope this finds you well. I know right now , in the current state of the world, it’s hard to find wellness , be it physical or mental or emotional or spiritual, but I hope today is treating you well and remember, even in the darkest days of humanity; there is always light! 

I felt compelled to write another blog entry today based on something I learned in therapy awhile ago about myself . And that’s how to recognize my feelings in order to then acknowledge those feelings so I can ultimately face them, whatever they happen to be. Feelings are what this life we are living is all about. Feelings by themselves aren’t good or bad. They just are. They evolve inside of us until they release or revels themselves to us. Sometimes they bring us negative light and energy , sometimes they bring us positive light and energy. What matters is we come to these feelings openly and honestly and with no blinders on because what determines our behavior is how we react to the feelings we feel. The behavior we exhibit is what is good or bad. That is what matters and what we have to focus on evolving , and where we must grow. So here’s the process of enlightenment on that way to growth according to me and my experience. I hope this can help you on your journey through this human experience we call life. 

I feel something, I can’t even describe what that something is , but I feel it stirring inside of me. It’s still not enough to make my conscious self aware and awaken, but it’s somewhere beyond buried in my subconscious. So I let it churn and stir and simmer until it’s ready to reveal itself to me. In due time, it will. I simply allow myself to acknowledge this stirring of the consciousness, accept it is happening and trust that when it’s ready , I’ll know what it means. I don’t deny this stirring or run away from it in fear of what it might mean. I don’t overthink or overanalyze this stirring either. It is what is and will become what it is supposed to be when it is ready. I also don’t let it drive me crazy. Because that’s where overthinking and over analysis gets you.

It leads to obsession, which leads to stress, which leads to depression. So I don’t allow it to have that kind of power. I dictate the terms of how I let it effect me, even when it’s churning uncontrollably inside of me. The way I describe this process is “let it go and let flow”. Let whatever needs to happen transpire. Control what you can control (your reaction and your behavior). And just let that simmer become a boil and see what it cooks up! Usually it’s positive and brings me some newfound sense of joy and peace. Sometimes it isn’t . But it always brings me enlightenment and growth! Always. And that is what this human experience called life is all about. It’s why we are here. To find out purpose and to give meaning to our existence, and the way to do that is to become the best versions of ourselves. We do that through growth. And we have to allow ourselves to become enlightened . Sometimes that takes a long time. We can’t fully grasp the lesson for weeks, months, sometimes even years. But that feeling stirring inside of you is enlightenment waiting to explode . It will always reveal itself on its timeline. So sit back, let it go and let it flow. Trust in the process of enlightenment and soul enrichment. You won’t regret the wisdom and knowledge it will bring you. The self awareness you’ll possess will become so profound, you won’t be able to deceive yourself and the doors this will unlock to you will be untold , as will the riches on the other side of those doors. Feelings are feelings. You will feel them no matter what. The more you try to deny them, or run from them , the more they control you. Feelings are fine. Feel them. Whatever they may be. Don’t allow your behavior to be controlled by your feelings. Facts are this: feelings don’t care what you think or want . They are their own entity. They exist on their own. Give them time to flow inside of you and then allow them to simmer until they explode out of you. This is enlightenment. And this is how you find yourself onto the path to inner peace and authentic joy. 

I hope this finds you inspiration and courage along the path you are on. I believe in you. Stay strong and carry on. 

Until next time, 

This is the world according to me 

Mel 

In the darkest day, there’s always light: my approach to battling the monster that is depression

 Hello guys: long time , no blog! It’s been way too long since I wrote one of these and I’m doing it now because Someone recently asked me how I got through my most recent bout of depression and it got me thinking about how I could explain it to someone else and it made me realize I need to write this down in print to share it in hopes that so many of my fellow sufferers of this dreaded disease known as depression can find some inspiration and wisdom, and perhaps even courage, in their own daily battle. 

The first thing I’ll say is this: it took me years of struggle, turbulence, turmoil and therapy to finally figure out the approach that works for me. And that approach is to not allow the darkness to overwhelm me by trying to suffer in silence or spend my time denying it is there. And this is where so many  fellow sufferers struggle. It isn’t a character flaw . It is how this disease works and why it’s so successful. The voices in your head from that monster try to trick you into pretending it’s all okay, to battle in silence and loneliness and it tells you you are weak. I learned how to not give in to those lies by being vulnerable enough to admit out loud “I’m not okay”, “I’m struggling and losing the battle” and “I hurt”. It’s hard to allow yourself to feel so vulnerable because the monster wants you to think being vulnerable means weakness and weakness means you’re unworthy and have no value because weak people have no value. But it’s absolutely perfectly okay to not be okay and to hurt. It’s even more okay to say it out loud. This isn’t weakness at all. It’s a sign that you’re stronger than you know. And it’s amazing to finally gain self awareness to know this. I know this approach won’t work for lots of you also struggling. I don’t advocate doing this thinking it will automatically work. I tried all sorts of different approaches and lots of them failed. I ended up feeling worse. So don’t think this is a magic cure for all, firstly because not one size fits all for depression and secondly, because there is no cure for this disease to be honest. You will always bear this burden. You will always carry this beast inside of you. It’s as much a part of you as the blood flowing your veins. Accept it. And then Embrace it. Acknowledging it and admitting it out loud makes you more powerful over the darkness that wants you to stay silent because silence is its strength. Silence is what kills you. Silence and denial is what makes you smile on the outside but cry on the inside. Silence hides your vulnerabilities. Accepting your flaws and embracing them allows you to love yourself unconditionally. And that is the greatest weapon any of us can own in this war that is endlessly and ferociously being waged against our minds, souls, and spirits. The monster inside wants to take all of your self worth, your self confidence , your self love and your self esteem away and replace it with self loathing and self hate. It wants you to believe your flaws are unforgivable and uncommon to make you feel like an unlovable outcast unworthy of anything good in life. I’ve been there. I still hear those voices guys. That never goes away. Sometimes I want to give in to those voices and just say it’s too hard to keep going. But it gets better. In the darkest day, there is always light. Always. Light and love always prevails. Even when you hate yourself, even when you say I can’t , love and light endures. And you just have to believe that. Easier said than done I know. I had to learn how to believe it. And I’ll believe it for the both of us when you aren’t strong enough to believe it yourself. I’ll love you when you hate yourself and can’t look at yourself in the mirror. I’ll support you and stand by you, even when you can’t find the energy to get out of bed. At the end of the day, in this lifetime, all we have is this shared human experience and our shared human connection. We may not always be on the same road but we are all traveling on the dame journey. Never forget you’re not unworthy. You’re not unloved. You’re not weak.

You’re human. You’re beautiful. And together, we may struggle and lose the battle  but we can win the war. 

And the last thing I’ll say is to know your weaknesses. For me, it’s alcohol. I can’t drink when I’m feeling depressed. I know it’ll lead me to one path: and that it will involve nothing but self destruction, self sabotage and lots and lots of pain, not just my own but other peoples. I used to be very good at self destructive sabotage. It was my specialty. And I learned how to overcome that behavior, unless I drink and lose my inhibitions. Drinking is like poison for me. And I know this. I am aware how destructive it is to partake in that activity so I don’t. Even when I crave it badly , like I did last time I was in a bout of depression. And it was bad this last round. I didn’t want to get out bed because simply existing hurt too much. I felt empty and full of hurt all at the same time. And I just wanted to drink it all away. I just laid in bed, allowed myself to feel like utter, miserable shit and said out loud I wasn’t okay to everyone so they could keep an eye on me. They could help police my behavior and keep me from doing something reckless, which is all you want to do when you feel the way I did at that time. When you’re in the darkness, you can’t fathom there is light anywhere. Even though I knew it was there, it’s hard to keep that knowledge when you just want to sleep forever because you’re so exhausted emotionally and spiritually. And you’re fed up with being fed up. This battle is perpetual guys and gals. You know this. You understand it. Like I said above, all we have in this life is each other and in the end, the only thing we can truly lean on is each other. We can get through it. I know we can. I believe in me. I believe in you. I believe in us. 

So there it is. That is my advice on how to work through the inevitable bout of depression that will come our way. It’s our truth.

It’s our way of life. And it’s our journey we have to navigate, through all the pain, all the darkness and the endless agony we face. But in the darkest day, there is always light. I promise you this. Hold on. Hang in there. Be well. And don’t be afraid to take a break from everything to recharge, reboot, recalibrate and rejuvenate. Your individual mental health and emotional well being , as well as your spiritual and physical health, is the most important issue there is isn’t it? 

Keep the faith. 

Love yourself. 

Stay strong and beautiful. 

Be well. Do well. 

Mel 

The Dangers of the Word Can't on Self Fulfillment and Personal Growth.

Hello everyone!! I feel like a stranger to this blog thing. I haven't written here in a few years and to be honest, I nearly had forgotten I even had a blog. But alas, here I am and here I am ready to write a new blog post after a long hiatus. And what has compelled me to write a new post is the subject of stifling personal growth and how we ourselves are the worst offenders of this. Society has its fair share of blame in the stifling of personal growth with the endless labels, constant judgment, and never ending shaming of anyone or anything perceived to be abnormal by society's absurd, hypocritical and impossible standards. But, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". And that's a personal truth we all must come to at some point in life if we are to find ourselves going down the path of personal growth to become the best versions of ourselves we can be.

The first step to this process of walking down this path is to totally and completely erase the word can't from our vocabulary. In my humble opinion, and in my life experiences, there is not a more self destructive, self sabotaging, and self stifling word in the english language than can't. This single word seems so small and insignificant until you realize just how powerful this singular word really is. It stifles our self belief and helps our self doubt grow into something that stifles us in all aspects of life. I hate to use too many quotes in this blog post based on my own independent thoughts but Cam Cameron (one time head coach of IU football and numerous jobs in the NFL) once said "whether you believe you can or you can't, you're right". Once more I will say he is spot on with these words because simply saying I can't is a self fulfilling prophecy that will undercut any and all self belief you may have. And I can say this with one hundred percent clarity based on numerous experiences I've had in my own life. I want to share these experiences of mine with you now to illustrate just how destructive and unproductive a single solitary word brings to individual.

Firstly, when I was in school, I always said I hated math. This is still true to this day. I hate math. It isn't something I'm very good at naturally. I don't have a natural ability to sit down and solve an equation with the ease of some people I know (shout out to my big brother Eric who can literally solve equations over the phone in minutes). I don't have a passion for the subject the way I have for liberal arts. And I really just didn't try at all and settled for just getting by because I told myself I just can't do it. I can't do math. And so I didn't. And that low math grade cost me a lot in my high school academic career as my GPA took a huge hit from that inability to bring home a solid math grade. So let's flash forward to a few years later when I was in college and had to take intermediate algebra. I was intimidated and afraid of this class at first because I told myself once again "I can't do this" and "I can't take this class because I will fail". But I ended up challenging myself to do my very best and put as much effort into this class as I could and see what happened. I would come home and spend hours studying, working problems and working problems again until I finally would get it. I would understand the equations. Turns out when I put the effort and the drive into doing it, I did it. I can do it. I can do it because I did do it. When I brought my final grade home and my grade read A-, that was the proudest moment of my life at that point. I had gotten an A-, me the person who barely passed math in high school, had gotten an A-. And I had grown. I had refused to say I can't do it and because I tried as hard as I could without undercutting myself with the negative I can't talk, I did it. And I grew up. I was on the path to self realization.

So the next example of when I didn't let the word can't stifle me is when I wanted to go on a trip to NYC. I didn't have anyone to go with me. I didn't say "man I can't go because I have nobody to go with me". Instead I booked my trip and went by myself. I didn't let anyone stifle me or hold me back from doing what I really wanted to do. I just went for it. And if I would've let myself say I can't go because I have nobody to go with, I would've missed out on that trip and the people I met during the trip. Travel enriches your soul, expands your worldview, opens your mind and eradicates any and all bigotry or prejudice you may have inside of you. Travel to me is a necessity because when you get bitten by the travel bug, there is no cure to the wanderlust you come down with. And if you allow yourself to stifle your dream of going places simply because you can't find someone to go with you or because you can't because you're too afraid or can't afford it, you'll never end up going anywhere. And you'll regret it. I have gone on many trips and on quite a few of them, I have gone with me, myself and I. I learned a lot from those trips about myself and with each trip, I gained more fierceness and strength and lost more fear and more self doubt. I didn't just say I can go on trips myself, I did it. And I am better for it. I grew. And I was on the path to self realization.

The third example of me overcoming my own self doubts and saying I can't is when I wrote a play. I had wanted to write a play for years. It was a dream of mine because I love the theater and I love writing. But I kept telling myself I can't write a play. I can't because I don't know how. So I didn't write one for years and kept that dream of mine stifled inside underneath fear, insecurity, inferiority and self doubt. Then someone amazing gave me great advice when I asked them what advice they'd have for someone who wanted to write a play for the first time. They told me to "allow yourself to make a mess" and to not let those voices of self doubt we always have about how we can't do it or this will make me look like a bad person and just write what the characters will tell you to write and go back and polish it up later. So I told myself I was going to write a play no matter what. Three days later, I had a finished full length play after never writing one scene of a play before in my life. I told myself I was going to do it, I didn't allow myself to say I can't do this, I ignored the negative voices in my head who said I can't and I'm crazy, and I did it. I wrote a whole play. Since then, I've written two more full length plays and a one act play plus have several more in the pipeline in various stages of completion. The sense of accomplishment I felt after writing the final scene was like nothing else I had experienced, not even when I got that A- in algebra. It was a feeling that was so profound, it made me cry tears of joy. I did it. I had accomplished a goal I had had for years and I did it in spite of my own insecurities and my own attempts to sabotage my success through letting fear win out. I blocked the word can't out of my mind and I did it. And I found personal growth. I was on that path to self realization to where I was born to be.

The last example I will write about here today is how I have found a brand new passion in my life that I never before thought I could do; that is the wonderfulness of cooking. I never knew I could cook. I always just said I can't cook and accepted it as fact. Then about a year ago, I really got into it. It was always the ultimate irony that someone like myself who has spent more than half of my life working in restaurants couldn't cook. I kind of thought there was poetry in that irony being a writer who appreciates good irony. But I had been stifling myself. I kept saying  I can't cook when I never even actually bothered to put much effort into it for fear I'd mess up and be a failure. That is insecurity and fear of being inadequate talking. That is where the word can't comes from. The word comes from that dark place inside all of us that tries to hold us back from fulfillment because we aren't afraid of failing, we are actually afraid of succeeding. We seem to be okay with the status quo because that's the safe and easy road. Challenging yourself is scary. Doing things you thought you couldn't do is a terrifying prospect to all of us. We all have deep rooted fears of insecurity and inferiority. So we stifle ourselves by lying to ourselves about why we don't try things we want to try. We keep making excuses for why we don't do things and instead of digging deep inside of ourselves and facing up our greatest fears head on, we lie to ourselves to keep the status quo alive. But with myself just like in every other scenario I've ever challenged myself on, cooking became more than I thought it would ever be. It's now a passion so deep and profound, I am contemplating going to culinary school so I can one day live my dream of owning my own restaurant. I stopped telling myself I can't cook and I tried it. And I did it. And now I love it. I found personal growth through tremendous personal achievement in conquering my own self doubt and fear. And I am now farther along on that path to self realization I have always meant to be on.

And there you have it folks. That's my story on why the word can't needs to be eradicated from your minds. The amount of personal growth you will find if you do this is off the charts and personal fulfillment is just waiting for you on the other side of this obstacle that our own minds and subconscious have put up to keep ourselves stifled, to keep ourselves held back, so that we can play it safe and not ever fully challenge ourselves to be the best versions of us we can be. I've lived a lot of life and I can absolutely attest to the veracity of the saying "whether you believe you can or you can't, you're right". It's a self fulfilling prophecy either way. Choose wisely. Don't look back on your life in fifty years and wonder what if or feel the pang of regret that stifling yourself will bring.

I haven't written an entry here in more than three years but that stops now. No more procrastinating or making excuses on why I have no time to do this. I want to be a professional writer and make my living at it. But I am a writer whether I am getting paid for it or not. I was born with the incessant desire and unquenchable thirst to write and let my creative juices flow from the pen (or from the keypad as the case may be) always. So I have no excuses to not come here and write. If I want to follow my dream and become what I've always been destined to be, I need to do one thing and one thing only: write. Write. Write some more. And not just write but share it with the world. That is what writing is meant for after all. The purpose is to share with others and to try and inspire in some way, some how. And so I write. It won't always be fascinating. It won't always be compelling. But it will always be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth about what I am feeling, how I see things and what I am living. Sit back. Relax. Prop up your feet. Pop a top on the beer if you prefer. Or pour that glass of wine or milk. Enjoy the world according to me.

When Coffee Isn't Just Coffee

Hey everyone. I hope this finds you all safe and well. Today I want to tell you a story, a story that is both true and hard to tell. It's hard to tell because of the truth it presents but its a story that needs to be told. I've held this true story back about myself for far too long and only now with the assistance of my therapist am I ready to reveal it. I am revealing this story about me because I want to be as open and candid about my life as possible. I've been guarded and held back much of myself for way too long. Truth doesn't hold you back, it sets you free. And I want to be set free. I've always held so much inside of me so tightly that its almost suffocated and choked me to death on more than one occasion. I need to let my truth be brought into the light so that I can face it, accept it, learn from it, and then let it go and move forward. So here's my story.

When I was in college I took a speech a class. And in this class there was a guy. From the very first day of class he and I just shared a connection. We began to talk before class every day and at some point we started walking out together talking. I knew he was married. He wasn't hesitant about revealing this fact. I can't say I didn't know or that he was lying to me about it. And I mean we were just talking. I loved talking to him and sharing things and I began to really enjoy his company. At some point, I don't know when or how, I fell for him. I really fell hard for him. But I knew it was wrong to feel that way about someone else's husband. So I kept my feelings to myself and we just kept doing our same routine. Towards the end of the semester, I believe there was about two weeks to go, he came up to me and confessed that another guy in my class who he talked to every day had a thing for me. He was too scared to say it to me though. Well, that shocked me because here is the guy I've fallen hard for telling me another guy has a thing for me. I didn't know what to do with that. I had no idea what to do or how to proceed. The next day of class, the guy I had fallen for asked if I wanted to join him for coffee after class. I knew I shouldn't. I knew this wasn't just coffee. I knew that this was more than just coffee despite myself trying to talk myself into the notion it was just coffee. My gut was screaming at me to say no and put a stop to it. But before I knew what had happened, there I sat across from him at the local Starbucks as he grabbed my hand and told me how much he cared about me and that he would love to be able to feel me up close and personal (note: I've edited this quote to make it far less adult than it actually was) and that he had fallen for me hard. This was it. This was my moment. I knew that this was one of those life defining moments. I could say yes and go down a very rocky, turbulent, wrong road with a guy who I had fallen for and who had me captivated completely or I could simply refuse and do the right thing. What was I going to do?

I sat there for a few minutes and I finally turned down his offer. So I did the right thing. I didn't act upon my feelings. But here's the truth that has been such an ugly fact to face for me, I wanted to. I wanted to throw caution to the wind and just say yes and suffer the consequences later. I simply wanted to just for once in my life throw my morals and my values out the window and just be with him. I was flattered. I wasn't disgusted or appalled at his offer. I was flattered. That's the fact that has haunted me for years. I wanted to be with another woman's husband and wasn't put off at all by what he was offering me. But I guess what I've started to see, with some professional assistance, is that no matter what I felt I did the right thing. Feelings aren't right or wrong. Whether or not you act upon those feelings whatever they may be is the issue. I wasn't wrong to feel what I felt because I really couldn't help what I felt but I had the choice to act on them or to walk away and that's what matters in the end. So my choice to walk away was right. And my feelings were just that. Feelings. I understand it all better now but I still do struggle at times with my feelings to begin with. I sometimes think I can control my feelings but maybe its just not possible for us as humans to control what we feel but the focus should be on the choices we make and the way we behave no matter our feelings.

And what about that other guy? The one who had a thing for me way back then. I never did take a chance on him. I approached him half-heartedly once and I never tried again. And our class ended. And I always wondered if I screwed up being so into this other unavailable guy that I overlooked the available guy who was ready willing and able who was right in front of me the whole time. I saw him about a year later and I thought was this fate giving me another chance? I decided to approach him when suddenly I realized he was with another girl. Oh the cruel irony of it all. I had my chance and as I look back on that class, I realize this guy did have a thing for me. It's obvious to me now the way he looked at me while I was giving my speeches and how he always asked me questions after I was done. And it just makes me sad. And upset. I beat myself up a lot for not seeing what was so clear and never giving it a chance because instead I was focused on some guy I was never going to have nor should have even been focused on. But you know what? As I realize now, that's just life. It doesn't make sense all the time. There are times we focus our energy and dedicate ourselves to the wrong people and things all the while we let other people and things slip right through the cracks. It's just a part of it all. It sucks. Its ugly. But it is what it is. Nayely Saldana is quoted as saying "we met for a reason, either you're a blessing or a lesson." Some people we meet are brought into our lives for a lesson. I believe that this is what these two guys were for me. They were surrounding me to teach me something. Now have I learned? That's the question. I think I am still in the process of learning what exactly the lessons were that I needed to know. But I have begun to pull those lessons out and with each day that passes I am getting closer to getting it.

As for those two guys, every so often seemingly out of nowhere I will go back and remember. I can still remember so vividly everything about that time of my life regarding their features which is really odd with the guy I never even had a real conversation with. I don't remember anyone else in my speech class or what my professor looked like but I can tell you what both of these guys looked like, and I can remember exactly how I felt and thought at the time going through it all. I used to look at this time and coil up in disgust and agony over what I didn't want to face. But with time and with reflection, the more I open up about what transpired and face the full truth, I don't look at this event as a regret. I look at it as a life altering event that has molded me and helped me on the road to who I am and will continue to help me become who I need to be. So it's not something I am ashamed of now and I can tell because I am sharing this all in detail on my blog. That would've never happened a couple years ago. So I am growing and evolving and that's always a good thing. The truth can be ugly at first but as you confront it directly and go through it, it suddenly doesn't seem so ugly or scary. Just face it and you never know what you might find.

Until next time,
Thanks for reading
Mel

Willful Ignorance Isn't Bliss

Hello again everyone. Greetings to you from chilly November southwestern Indiana. Hope you guys are well. The topic of my blog today is actually inspired by a friend of mine's twitter conversation with another about people who claim the Holocaust didn't really happen and how that "opinion" is shared openly in college classrooms in a discussion about religion. My dear friend is Jewish and so of course naturally this guy assumed that her whole beef with him was simply because she's Jewish, and for no other reason. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not just Jewish people who are highly offended and completely appalled by this "opinion". As you've noticed by now I put opinion in quotes because to me this is not a valid opinion. I do my best to be as open minded and non judgmental as I can and understand that we all have our own viewpoints in life and it's many issues. But see, there are some things I just don't find to be relevant, valid viewpoints. And chief among these is willful ignorance, which is what you have to have if you believe that the Holocaust never happened and it was some big elaborate hoax perpetrated by Jews to get sympathy or whatever your particular crazy illogical nonsense belief is. See, you are denying an absolute historical fact. It's a fact. To try and make it anything else is beyond ridiculous and every time you spew that nonsense out of your mouth you slap the faces of every single Jew who had to endure the agony and the suffrage of those atrocious years. Every single time you deny this despicable event occurred you are mocking the families of those survivors of this event who have listened to their loved ones account the horrid details and who have had to comfort them while they relive those disgusting memories over and over again. I remember being so naïve to the fact that holocaust deniers existed. I truly never imagined that anyone could deny something like that. To me, denying the holocaust is akin to denying history. So imagine my complete and utter shock when I too was sitting in my college ethics class and we got on the subject of climate change and people who denied it's existence and impact on the earth when suddenly this one guy started talking about how there are many great hoaxes out there designed to manipulate the masses, chief among them the landing on the moon and the holocaust. Now, he had me with the landing on the moon being a hoax because I thought that was pretty ridiculous but when he had the audacity to say out loud that the holocaust was a hoax, I couldn't even form any words for a minute. When I finally did speak, I just said how offensive it was to claim that was a hoax and how could he think something so repulsive? He was smug himself and asked me if I was Jewish to which I responded that I am a Christian but my religious views have no bearing on your ignorance. That was all I said. It was all I could say to keep from getting into a fight with him cause I think I would have. As I walked back to my car and drove home, I just remember feeling so angry and so offended at the blatant disrespect and the extreme ignorance of this man. Then I realized something even more disturbing: he wasn't the only one who felt this way. He got this idea from somewhere else through some other person. That's when I realized just how bad this was. That people actually believe this and speak it out loud and get others to follow their teachings, to hell with what history proves otherwise, boggled my mind. I mean, do they really believe that over six million people weren't just exterminated by order of Hitler? They think the survivors who lived in concentration camps are just making it up? They were really on vacation somewhere? I just can't understand that kind of ignorance and I don't want to either. I never want to understand the way that kind of warped thinking works. The biggest issue for me is that these people think it's only Jewish people who could ever possibly be offended by or disgusted by their words and their beliefs. Do they honestly not comprehend that there are people out there like me who are not Jewish who just are utterly offended by their ignorance and their disrespect? It's similar to those people who think the only people offended by the use of the six letter racial epithet starting with the letter n are black people. I'm deeply offended by that term as well. And not that this is on the same level at all, but the ignorance shown when guys automatically think a woman is upset with them because its their time of the month is a smaller example of what I'm talking about. I don't know in that case if anyone besides me is offended by that ignorance but my point is that I am offended by ignorance, but actually I am offended by willful ignorance. We are all ignorant on things until we are educated but once we gather the facts and are educated and then we still refuse to accept those facts and form another "opinion" we are willfully ignorant. There is an anonymous quote that sums this all up quite eloquently, "we are all entitled to our own opinion but not to our own facts." The fact is the Holocaust, a systematic extermination of one group of people, happened. It's a documented historical fact. To form any other opinion or form any other conclusion is being willfully woefully ignorant and I cannot respect that opinion at all. I sincerely hope that anyone out there who is being willfully ignorant will at some point see the light and understand the error in their way of thinking.

Until next time,
Mel

Guilty No Longer

Hello everyone. I hope this finds you all happy and well. Today I want to tell you about the breakthrough I had at therapy this week. I discovered something about me that at first knocked the wind out of me because of the sudden wave of clarity it brought to me and the absolute randomness of it. We were sitting in my session talking about something completely different when suddenly the overwhelming knowledge that I wasn't to blame for my cousin's death hit me. I have previously written about how I carry the guilt of her death around with me and how I can't let go of that guilt in my heart even though in my head, I knew I wasn't responsible in the least for it. But I have spent the last four years torturing myself over the thought that I could have done something, anything at all, to change the outcome of that tragic day in July 2009. The guilt I felt was all consuming. I couldn't see past it. I couldn't escape it. It was as much a part of me as my heart and soul are a part of me. So, when this feeling of clarity came over me, it threw me for a loop. I had no idea why I suddenly felt it, not just knowing it in my head, but actually feeling it and knowing it in my heart. I stopped the conversation I was having with my therapist and told her exactly what had just occurred. We then spent the rest of the session, about twenty minutes or so, talking about this new development. It was the strangest occurrence of my life quite honestly. But it was one of the greatest single moments of my life as well. And what I really want to talk about now is freedom. True, genuine, actual, spiritual freedom. I have never even known this kind of freedom could exist. The chains in my heart that wrapped all the way to the farthest reaches of my soul just fell away and suddenly I was free. The cell door flung open wide and my pardon had been signed. But I still couldn't quite understand how this happened. When did this truth reveal itself to me? And me being the type of person who has an insatiable curiosity, these answers were something I had to find. But it didn't take me long. What I felt inside of me was the reality of the situation. There was nothing I could do to stop what happened to her. And the past four years I had spent trying to find someway to forgive myself for that unforgivable mistake. But the thing is, and this hit me suddenly as lightning strikes a tree, was that wasn't the proper question to ask. How do I forgive myself? The right question was how do I stop blaming myself for something I had no control over? I didn't even answer that question consciously. Somewhere in my subconscious mind, which can be full of darkness and can be a master manipulator, the truth revealed itself to me. I didn't need to forgive myself. I needed to stop blaming myself. And I did. One of my biggest weaknesses is my inability to let myself off the hook for the mistakes I've made in my life. And I thought what I had done, or not done in this case, was something I couldn't let go of or let myself off the hook for. But now I get that there is a difference between forgiving yourself and not blaming yourself. That seems so obvious doesn't it? But at the time, before this moment of clarity hit me, I couldn't see that or understand the difference. And that understanding has made all the difference in my life. I now am free. I now have no bondage of guilt keeping me down. I don't hurt any more over what happened though I do still miss my cousin every day. But I don't have the guilt inside of me. That monster is gone. And that's a wonderful reality to live in. I don't want to ever go back into that prison of darkness. With this lesson I've learned through this process of mine that I didn't even realize I was going through, I won't go back to that place. That's life isn't it? We are all works in progress doing our best to be our best. And we all just have to take it one day at a time and hope that in the end, the lessons we learn help us reach the zenith of our potential as people. I wish that for all of us on this earth. It's been a long, hard, difficult journey to get to this place of understanding and there were definitely some very ugly moments involved. But what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I embrace my strength and look forward to the next step in this journey along life's pathway.

Until next time,
Do your best to be your best.
Mel